first timer - i need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
first timer - i need help!
11
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:16pm
I have been checking the board on and off for about a year now. I have finally come to the realzation i need to end my EMA. It is an addiction that is hard to come to grips with. I truly think I love my OM, who is 11 years younger than I, but the reality of the situation is that I don't think things will really work out between us. I have been married for almost 15 years, have 3 wonderful daughters and am totally questioning why I am still married. I think my H is on to what has been going on for the last 10 months with OM, but is in denial. H is for the most part a very loving, kind, decent man. He says he loves me and I believe it. I wish I could be more in love with him. I think I could if I knocked off the relationship with my OM. I know rationally the best thing to do is to end my A, but I am struggling every waking moment to end it. How do I stop? I have read so many messages on the board from other people who were able to start the process of ending their A's. Please, someone, give me some words of wisdom to learn from. My T tells me that I am on the right track to break this off, but knows how difficult it will be. I need to replace OM with something? Another friend? Preferably not male so their is no temptation - lol. Any advice you can share would be much appreciated at this critical turning point. I am trying so hard not to give in to making contact with OM. A few days seems like an eternity!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 4:33pm

Thank you! You're not being insensitive at all. In fact, just the opposite! I'm glad if there is anything at all in my situation that can be of benefit to you in any way. You're right too. It IS good if the NC is respected by both parties. This is so hard at best. If my XOM would just let go, it would at least be a bit easier to deal with.

The whole thing is just such a big mess. Ending it IS painful enough. I don't want to hurt him any more on top of that. He said that I had told him I'd come and find him if I was ever free. Yes, I DID say that. I also said that if it DID happen, it would have to be after I worked through all of the turmoil of a divorce and the changes caused by it.

I do fear that he could feel compelled to tell my dh about us to try to "hasten along that process" in his eyes. What I'm trying to get him to understand is that if he did that, our relationship would be over for good. No chance we'd ever be together. I'd be too angry with him to even talk about it.

XOM finally confronted me about what I'm doing. If I'm not leaving my dh, what in the he11 has this been about?! I reminded him that I never told him I was leaving my dh. I told him that I can't excuse myself in any way. I made a huge mistake. Followed my heart and we're now both paying for it. I hurt us both.

As for posting, I have replied here because you were so kind to ask. But as for future posting, I probably shouldn't. Don't really feel comfortable doing so. My situation seems to rub lots of people the wrong way. Maybe you don't remember, but the day after I first posted my situation, someone else (who was single & involved with a MM, posted that she couldn't imagine ever being a MW and cheating on her dh. She went on to say that she hoped things would never get THAT bad - she prayed she'd never do anything like that! Maybe her post was really not aimed at me, but still ...

Maybe it's just me. It seems though on this board that married women in affairs are like a hot potato, and I don't want to cause any further friction to others. Besides, everyone else has enough problems already. Don't need to listen to mine. Lol...

So I'll deal with my own situation. Don't worry, I'm NOT going back into the affair. Of that I'm certain!!!!!!

Best wishes to you as you go forward. Thank you again so much for your kind comments and especially for sharing your philosophy. I printed out that stirring post you wrote, and I read it EVERY DAY. You have NO idea how much strength I draw from it. Whenever I start to get weak at all, I just pull it out and reread it. As soon as I do, I'm ready to go again. Thanks!!!

Michele

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