The Fishbowl
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| Sat, 05-01-2004 - 7:57pm |
I am talking to some of the coaches--my friends and xMM's best friends and then i leave. As i drive away, i see xMM driving up (because i am so obsessed i can spot his car a mile away). He is having a blast driving in the car. It seems he is mid-laugh or mid-sentence in a song he is belting out.
My heart sinks. He doesn't even know my car has driven by--you see, he is not obsessed with a pit in his stomach, like i am. He's happy; doesn't know a thing has happened; doesn't know i have figured out all these things about him.
I am a writer. Without divulging too much information, i write for a major metropolitian daily newspaper. That is what gives me the opportunity to check in on this board as many times a day as i do. I mostly sit in front of my computer all day. In my volunteer work for HIS little league, i also write stories for our smaller community newspaper. Usually, they are buried deep inside this little tabloid. But one i wrote, came out on Friday, on the front page--with a picture. Great placement; great PR for HIS little league.
He has not called to thank me or acknowledge me for this. I won't be around next year to do it: or coach, or serve as a commissioner, or write grants to help get the field refurbished. . . he doesn't even know yet.
All i can do, is think of him, laughing and singing in his car--while i walk around, like the wounded dead--with this horrible pit of realization in my stomach.
I am so glad you are here to listen and read this. My friends have given up on me; my cousin, the therapist, hasn't returned multiple calls. I just needed to "talk" about this; as it hurts to see xMM so happy when he knows i am not there while i feel so alone and with this horrible pit in my belly,
Clarice

I understand your horrible "pit in your belly"....I have one too. But, unlike you, I don't see exMM that often and I can't imagine if I had to see him frequently, because I think it would rip me up. I, however, just got a job (yea for me!) that will take me into his general area of town, like a few buildings down. Already I'm obsessing on what it would be like IF I ever ran into him....knowing that his life is probably moving forward and I, feeling like I just lost someone so dear and special to me.....the pain doesn't throb any more...its more like an ache, something that's always present, not enough to take you out, but enough to make its presence known.
As I wrap up school, get close to graduation....I've become increasingly obsessed about sending him an invitation to my graduation...more a symbolic gesture than anything else. But I thought "WHY the heck would I do that, other than some measly attempt to rationalize contact again". Part of me just wants to email him and tell him "hey I got the job"...but again, WHY. Somedays its just so hard to believe that he's gone, and that its done.
What's even harder is that he is in a situation he is happy with, a life he is contented with.....while I have the opposite, but yet I still haven't figured out what the heck keeps me here (Well, I know some things....but its more measly excuses again).
One of the worst things about all this is the unconventionality of it all....really, besides here, where else can you vent about this???? I'm a person who LOVES to talk things out....and this, by far, is my greatest challenge....having to stay silent while I feel a great big gaping hole in my heart....
and a pit in my belly.
big hugs...tomorrow is another day. it will be brighter.
dharma