The "Fist Pump" moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
The "Fist Pump" moment
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 9:13pm

I honestly didn't think I would have a feel good "fist pump" moment anytime soon, however, it has happened. As I drove home from work yesterday I felt good, good that I had made it through another day being separated from xap by only a clear pane of glass and not once wanting to talk to him, or see what he was doing or who he was talking too, cos guess what? I didn't care! I don't care! and to think it was only on Sunday Dec 23rd we had lunch, we went shopping, he picked the diamond ring he would buy me when he wins lotto and can afford to leave his wife, for those not familiar with my story the A actually ended in September, but it has dragged on emotionally until Dec 27th when for whatever reason I don't know (I don't care) he decided to put complete blame on me to save his marriage. But I actually feel better now knowing its over than I have for months, limbo land was horrific and its not a place I want to ever go back. I still love him and to be honest in our 2 year A its only been the last 4 months that I have felt like I was recieving crumbs. 

So my theory for what its worth, I believe you can love your A person and they can love you, but if circumstances aren't right, it's not right either. It is All or Nothing! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 10:47pm

Tily6, congrats!!!  I think you are working towards freedom and that is many times more alluring than looking at what oyu can't have!

I have felt the same about my xap.  I still love him and it wasn't until recently that I got crumbs.  He didn't throw me under the bus but still the end has been painful.  We never talked long term being together, other than having an A for many years to come.  Though he did ask me a few times if I would take him if he left his wife and all the times I said no,

Congrats and relish the strength and power you've gained.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 3:19am
Hi Tily Firstly, well done for making it through the first day. I worked with my xAP too, and it was so tough. I rarely had good moments, but each day that went by where I succeeded in not seeing him, I was proud of myself. I am a little concerned how you are still holding tightly to the fantasy of you loving him. I too have stuggled with what I felt about my xAP, was it love? was it infatuation? was it lust? I could never really figure out what I was feeling - but because the feeling or the rush of being with him was so intense, it was easiest to call it love. If I think about this man, now that I am well and truely out of the fog, I no longer work with him, and I am verging on 1 year out of my A - I can tell you, it was not love. How could I love a man, that was cheating, lying and totally oblivious to the fact that I was married with children. How could he love me - I was lying, cheating and oblivious to the fact I was someone elses wife, I was a mother to two children. Could we share a true, honest, transparent moment? - of course not - the moments we were together were based on lies - we both had to lie to be together. Love is not based on lies, its based on honest, respect and openess - these are the exact opposite for what an Affair stands for. I think it will help you even more, if you start taking a realistic look at your relationship. Tily - are you married? Do you have children? Lets start looking into your REAL life..... Well done on making it though a tough day - and here is hoping for many more of them. How is your job hunting going? WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:22pm

Good for you for getting through the day...*fist pump*!!

Now, let's work on your idea of what love is and what love isn't.  I hope ?Kittery joins in because as long as you both insist it just had to be love, you'll continue to think you are missing out and if only the Moon had just been aligned with Mars....and if we had met at another time and place.  Well, the Moon and Mars did not align and you did not meet at another time and place.  You had made previous commitments, and you lacked the maturity to remain true to these previous commitments...your marriage, your spouses your children.  This goes for all of us, btw...not just you.

Time to get real

Since when does one who loves you have you collude with them in the deceipt and betrayal of their loved ones?  Since when does one who loves you ask you to jeopardize your marriage and the wellbeing of your loves ones.  You insist, T, that this was some sort of great love story...we've been down this road before.  You are not getting it...hopefully, it will come with time and more distance and more work on yourself. In the Healing Library, there's a thread started by Lolly which came as a direct result of your post.

Oh and before I forget, you were receiving crumbs all were dishing out crumbs all along and more importantly, you were throwing crumbs to those you profess to love and to whom you were already committed.

In my opinion, affairs have nothing to do with love at all...except for those few exceptions where both affair partners took the steps to wrap up unfinished business (their marriage) and went on to make a life for themselves together...otherwise, they are cheap and tawdy and ugly, and selfish acts beyond the pale...and has more to do with two immature and dysfunctional people feeding off each other's dysfunction.

And going on to make for a friendship...and continuing on with betrayal and deceipt, was just another slap in the face of real, mature love between two healthy adults.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board