Fixing me first, ssl
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Fixing me first, ssl
| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:36pm |
I understand and get the point of fixing me. I really don't know where to begin. Here's a quick lowdown on me. Id I hope you're reading this. At 2days old, mother gives me away to her mother, doesn't want any girls b/c they get in 'trouble' later in life. Raised by illiterate grandparents. At 5yrs old for almost 2 yrs, sexually abused by step-father. At 9 yrs, grandparents separate, thank goodness they argued all the time. Stayed with grandfather (who I call Dad btw) and his mom. No affection, no communication, just told to do good at school. Learned everything I know from books. At 14, my uncle (fav one at that) takes me for 'a drive' and says we could fool around but we wouldn't have sex. At 14.5 I meet the now exH. We date until I'm 23 when my family tells me he's a good man and I'll never do better, better marry him before we finish university. This is a good one, I have a double degree in biology and psychology yet I'm still a mess. I studied psychology of geriatrics mainly, like dementia and alzheimers. Anyway, I wasn't in love with exH but I loved him, he was a good man and treated me well. While in university, family disowns me b/c I think I'm better than them b/c I went to university. So my whole family has been my H who is now gone from my life and now is not allowed by his gf to speak to me. I'm literally all alone in this world. I'm an orphan as I've always felt. I feel like I don't matter, I want to be validated. When I was with MM, I felt like I was someone. Mainly b/c I had him on a pedestal and if he was with me then I was somebody. Now I'm alone and i don't feel like anyone is ever going to want me and I'm not validated once again. At least when there's drama, then someone is paying attention to me.
Since you guys are my best friends these days and I don't actually have to look any of you in the eyes to tell you this I thought I might share my life with you. I guess there's no threat to be abandoned or neglected here b/c of my past or who I am today. My best friends' don't know this about me. I told MM about the abuse and he cried with me. He said he would never let anyone hurt me like that again. The pain he has caused me has come close to that.
When I ask my friends what I need to do to make myself better, they say time will heal all the wounds. However they don't know half the wounds so to them everything I feel is exagerated. So since you all know this, where do I begin. I know I have issues with trust and I believe one of my motivations for starting affair was that I couldn't really be rejected b/c he was never suppose to be mine therefore I would keep him at arms length away. He is the first man I have been with that I felt attracted to physically. I was attracted to H when we first dated at 15 but it didn't last. Anyway, I'm an open book now to all of you. Please don't be too harsh, I know other people have had harder lives and are doing better than me. I'm a survivor but I feel like it's a struggle everyday and I want to let my guard down for once and not worry about being shot at. I thought I had that with MM, he said I did. Man, I got burnt there......again.
Pray for me.
Lil sad/desperate Rocket

OK, Ms. Rocket,
(((((((((Rocket))))))))))
>>""Now I'm alone and i don't feel like anyone is ever going to want me"<<<
Please do not believe this, I have seen similer words on this board before and I have seen them proved wrong time and again.
People will pray for you but NO ONE will take shots at you for the things you have indured in your life.
Sweetpea you have buckets to offer a man see yourself as the "LIL" treasure you are.
Have you got into counceling yet, sometimes we are to close to the forest to see the trees and a third party can help put life into prespective. Time heals nothin in my opinion it only piles more life on top of it hiding the wounds and pain, you want a wound to heal right you need to clean and banadage it and then time will help.
You have a lot of years ahead of you yet trust that the future be better then the past if you refuse to accept anything\anyone that does not add to life.
Free
rocket,
the past is behind you already, learn from it, i am trying to do the same thing also, if u feel alone then u will be alone, heck i been bounced arounf foster homes when i was young but i think i turned out all right, not so dysfucntional :)
u are not alone, there are about 6 billion of us here in this planet, u have us here on this board
u mentioned about being shot at, well i was literally being shot at before but i was able to shot back to, it was scary but not as scary as losing OW, i know how u feel, its hard but its even harder if u give up, u cannot give up
sometimes its all in the mind, the human mind only uses 10% of its potential, try to use it more and not the heart that much
u are not alone, we are here to let u know that we, i actually get strenght from u, i may be moving on but still i guard my emotions, everyday i feel like running thru a gauntlet, its like hell day in military training, fight or flight, i think Free said is also, when we reach our limit our body and mind will adopt by either fighting or running, its so technical i dont know how to explain it, heck i dont even understand it, all i know is that im feed up and wont take crap(for the lack of a better word) from OW anymore
u deserve much better, i dont know what that would be, only u can know, it will come, dont lose hope, hope in yourself, we will not abandone u here, like they said, we dont live anyone , we take everyone home
on that note, i want u to know that u are not alone, we are all here for u, to listen and supprt u and sometimes to let u know the harsh truth , life is not fair but we can make it even sometimes, but its all up to us, im no expert in psychology but i think its time we make ourselves happy before we can be happy with someone else
let me see, im trying to humor u here, BE ALL U CAN BE !!!
max
ex-ranger/airborne , but i feel like a failure coz i cant handle OW .... ;)
"mess with the best, die like the rest"
From your posts you have impressed me as an intelligent, courageous woman. my mother used to say, "You can either be a victim, or rise above it and say it stops with me." She raised 8 children (was a great mom) and during my teenage years struggled in counseling to deal with her past. (Alcoholic parents, father sexually abused her) I tell you that just so you know you are not alone and can build a wonderful life for yourself. My mother created the family she never had while growing up. She now has 14 grandchildren and has been married for 43 years. On the other hand I had an awesome childhood and a good H yet still have gotten myself into this mess.
You are strong and have a lot to offer. Some day, some way you will use that to create what you want for yourself. You have obtained degrees and are successful. I know that you will put the effort into healing yourself and be whole and happy. I wish you every good thing and will pray for you! Know that you have any support I could give you and I will watch your postings to see how you are doing.
I don't have many words of wisdom but offer hugs and support. First of all, you need to realise and value what you have accomplished - with your education you have so much to offer.
Have you ever sought counselling or any kind of treatment for any of the issues from your past - any one of those experiences would seriously de-rail most people, you have coped with amazing strength so far but perhaps now is the time to reach out for more help to move on.
You might find some better advice and help on some of the mental health boards from others who share your experiences or at least have some appreciation for what you've been through.
Put yourself first for now and I'm sure a better relationship with someone deserving your affection will follow.
Warmest wishes.
MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS>>>>>Id I hope you're reading this. <<<
Didn't see it until this morning and then had to rush off to work. Sorry for the late response...been thinking of taking a break from here anyway, so let me say this;
I sensed that your hurt ran much deeper than XMM. You words were angry, and whenever I read one of your posts, I thought of my own anger....which I let consume me for over 20 years. Don't let that happen to you. When you can let the hurt go, the anger will go with it.
Have a "getting over my past" bonfire. Write on a seperate pieces of paper each and every hurt you have ever experienced and when done doing that, tear each piece up into shreads while you say, "You are useless to me so I'm letting you go." as you throw them into a metal bucket or if they allow bonfires in your backyard, build one and throw them on there.Get out your lighter fluid, douce it, and then toss in a match.
What I am getting at is that until you destroy the hurts of the past, it will eat you alive now and into the future. IOW, LET IT GO.
VALIDATION comes from self-love, not from a man, a lover, a friend, no one! It is not something someone can give you. You receive validation through the good deeds you do for others, from the hard work you put into your job or career, from volunteering or offering a helping hand to people less fortunate. From that, you can gain a sense of selfworth. You start feeling good about yourself without anyone having to tell you just how wonderful you are, or how beautibul you look. Those are just meaningless empty words usually from someone who wants something from you. There is a big difference in a true compliment and ego feeding garbage. Affairs feed the ego. They are nothing more than FALSE intimacy.
Ok, I'm done with my speech now, and have to plunge into the stack of work on my desk. Know that I think of you often, and also know that you CANNOT fix things until you first get rid of the broken parts that are no longer useful to you. Then buy new tools, and rebuild the life you want, one step at a time.
Peace,
Id
id,
You shared some very powerful words with us:
>>VALIDATION comes from self-love, not from a man, a lover, a friend, no one! It is not something someone can give you. You receive validation through the good deeds you do for others, from the hard work you put into your job or career, from volunteering or offering a helping hand to people less fortunate. From that, you can gain a sense of selfworth. You start feeling good about yourself without anyone having to tell you just how wonderful you are, or how beautibul you look. Those are just meaningless empty words usually from someone who wants something from you. There is a big difference in a true compliment and ego feeding garbage. Affairs feed the ego. They are nothing more than FALSE intimacy.<<
Thank you for sharing that. If we could really understand those words and then put them into practice, we probably wouldn't have screwed up our lives so badly.
lilrocket-Your story is a sad one and I wish you peace and strength on your trek for happiness. You'll get there, you really will.
Thanks again.
I want to thank all of you for your words. Id, i like the bombfire idea, maybe I'll give it a try. I've been stabbed in the back by so many people that I work with that now they are just my co-workers not my friends. I don't rely on them for anything.
Knowing you all are there if I need you takes an incredible weight off my shoulders. I do feel like it would be nice to have a good man so I could have a soft place to land when I fall. My MM was that for a while. He really was great that way. I miss him so. Thanks for you words they give me strength. I wish I believed I was as strong as you all perceive me to be, others feel the same too.
One foot in front of the other. Thanks again.
LilRocket