the fog has lifted and now it hurts
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the fog has lifted and now it hurts
| Mon, 12-07-2009 - 12:38pm |
I posted here a little while ago after 10 days of NC, then I had a weak moment, started over with NC and am on day 14. Now that the fog is starting to lift, I am seeing things for what they were/are and it hurts alot. While in the year long A, I convinced myself that I didn't really care and could stop it at any time and thus, would never get hurt. I had all these rules for myself, like I would never email/text or seek him out first (because I was "playing it cool"). I'm seeing now that I gave him complete control - he could contact me whenever he wanted and would always get a response and he could come see me whenever he was wanted to and would always get sex. I knew that he had many other girls on the side and while in the situation, it didn't bother me - because I was REALLY cool (not). Now it disgusts me and hurts. I'm mad at myself for getting in this situation and at him for screwing up my life, playing me, and especially for not hurting and struggling like I am right now. OUCH.

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Mickey, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I think T is a good idea and that might be the road I take as well. At first I was against it because I didn't like that HE made me go to T. But I know now that it's not about him at all. It's about me and fixing me and making me happy. I just want my life back. I want this situation to get out of my head. I want to be happy!!! Hope you had a better day today :)
Hi Live,
Well, today isn't going much better either....still in my pajamas when I should be at work. :(
I understand about wanting something, anything, from him as a sign that he gave a damn....I get that.
Isn't continuously checking for some word from
Maybe it's the realization that comes from the fog having lifted that your reality is still waiting and you still want to avoid it and hide from it.
LS,
I am sure Clarity will do her tap dance later when she checks in, but
~Iddy~
Thanks for posting this.
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