the fog has lifted and now it hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
the fog has lifted and now it hurts
20
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 12:38pm
I posted here a little while ago after 10 days of NC, then I had a weak moment, started over with NC and am on day 14. Now that the fog is starting to lift, I am seeing things for what they were/are and it hurts alot. While in the year long A, I convinced myself that I didn't really care and could stop it at any time and thus, would never get hurt. I had all these rules for myself, like I would never email/text or seek him out first (because I was "playing it cool"). I'm seeing now that I gave him complete control - he could contact me whenever he wanted and would always get a response and he could come see me whenever he was wanted to and would always get sex. I knew that he had many other girls on the side and while in the situation, it didn't bother me - because I was REALLY cool (not). Now it disgusts me and hurts. I'm mad at myself for getting in this situation and at him for screwing up my life, playing me, and especially for not hurting and struggling like I am right now. OUCH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 12:52pm
I would love to block everything before the 24th but NIIA is right. I'm waiting for...something, I'm not sure what he would even say but I do think it would feel good to hear something, anything, to know that I meant something. arghhh...I know that sounds terrible and weak.
Mickey, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I think T is a good idea and that might be the road I take as well. At first I was against it because I didn't like that HE made me go to T. But I know now that it's not about him at all. It's about me and fixing me and making me happy. I just want my life back. I want this situation to get out of my head. I want to be happy!!! Hope you had a better day today :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 1:12pm

Hi Live,


Well, today isn't going much better either....still in my pajamas when I should be at work. :(


I understand about wanting something, anything, from him as a sign that he gave a damn....I get that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 4:22pm

Isn't continuously checking for some word from


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 4:44pm
Mickey, I am just aching for you, honey. Please make an appointment with your doctor. He/she will help you with medication and with finding you a good therapist. You are worthy of that kind of support. You deserve to heal. It is okay if you need help getting there--we all do. I have been through depressions in the past and I know the feeling of not being able to get out of bed. My livelihood also depends on my "getting out there" as I am in a commission-only job. But don't worry about that right now. Turn off your cell phone, get on a land line and make a doctor's appointment. And keep telling yourself that you are worthy of feeling better. Because you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 12:48pm
Clarity, you are 100% right and I want so badly to tell you that I blocked it but I just can't bring myself to do it...yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 1:31pm

Maybe it's the realization that comes from the fog having lifted that your reality is still waiting and you still want to avoid it and hide from it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 12:58pm
Big girl panties are on!! I DID IT!!! Blocked all communication just now and am feeling so strong and wonderful right now! Thanks for the encouragement, I wouldn't have done it without you. I just wanted to be able to tell you so badly that I DID IT!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 1:41pm

LS,


I am sure Clarity will do her tap dance later when she checks in, but

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 3:11pm
Thanks Iddy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 8:18pm

Thanks for posting this.


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