The Fog has Lifted & it Sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
The Fog has Lifted & it Sucks
16
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 2:41pm

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 5:01pm

Hi PG,


The only way to change your moniker is to open a new email account and register again, just so you know.


<>


Sorry to say this, but you freaked him out. This is why you didn't hear from him. You see, they don't want a desperate OW blowing up their cell phone with txts or their computer with emails. That's not part of the deal. His response *was* telling you that he's not going to be able to do anything about your angst...that it's all on you, honey. Just like when they toss us under the bus if their wives start asking too many questions. We are NOT their #1, 2, or 10th priority, trust me. We are supposed to be fun and available when it is convenient for them. Anything else could be a deal breaker. Ow's are not supposed to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 5:30pm

Iddy,


I hope you're a therapist in real life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 5:40pm

Hello,

I remember you. I was SJ, now Luvin. I take it since you are back you have decided to completely end your A. I am happy to see you back.

Ahhh yes, once that fog lifts and you see that pretty picture aint so pretty no more its a body shot...FOR REAL. Sounds like you have had some enlightment. As our CL stated. You looked to him to be there for you and momma that was not what he signed up for. You are fun and that is about it. When you want to attach some emotion and for him to "be there" for you. Playtime was over. Hurts..when you really see where you stand in there lives...hell, if you stand at all.

I was going to post my own thread about luring AP's but since you mentioned it in your post. MM who cheat are always down for a lil sex on the side. They think you are hot and sexy and an escape from their RL. So easy to get them to come get some of your goodies. It takes very little in fact. They actually see us objects not beings with feelings...It is so easy to lure ANY man with sex, now getting a man to love and respect you is all together very different.

I am happy you are starting to see him for what he is and hope that it encourages you to stay NC. Don't subject yourself to further self abuse. You deserve better.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 6:02pm

You are fun and that is about it. When you want to attach some emotion and for him to "be there" for you. Playtime was over


So, am I supposed to feel resentment towards him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 6:59pm

I never said anything about you having to resent him. But I have to ask, what do you think of someone who cheats on their W and then knows you are at a soccer game and engages in PDA (which may be expected-it is his W) with his W while you are there? Do you think this is a nice guy? He totally does not care about your feelings. While it may be the norm for him to have PDA with his wife, was it necessary to do in your presence? Was he being remotely sensitive when you told him how you felt and he said "I am not going to change for you"....Is this a nice guy? Is this a good guy? He sounds borderline cruel....as far as how he has treated you and how you have allowed him to.

U keep saying your lured him in...he is just as responsible for all your acts in the A as well. He made a choice too, its like you are taking all the responsibility and not holding him accountable too. It takes too. I do not care if he did not make you any promises.

He did say enough...did he not? What do you think he was saying you when he said you were like a drug...he was saying I need you...he was saying I want you...he was saying just enough to make you get your high, your ego fix, and making you feel important enough to be cool for the next time you both need your fix....and you were like a drug to him, he to you, also. A's are addictions like any other. He played his part too. Yes, you did lure him, but you did not MAKE him drink...he made the choice and continued to make it.

I often hear many women here say that "he never made me promises".....hard for me to relate cuz my MM promised me the moon and the skies above. It was all BS tho. I do know this, you BOTH played your part, and I think you need not take responsibility for it ALL because you lured him, that's just not healthy. I am not saying that you need not hold yourself accountable...PLEASE do not think that. However,
one proven way for women like you and me to heal from an A is to start looking at ourselves, focusing on you and being better to you. And of course staying NC. That's numero uno.

Let me know if you need anything else...




Edited 4/25/2010 7:00 pm ET by luvinmeforever10
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 7:18pm
You are so right!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 10:05pm

Hi,

You wrote, "So it is up to me to get my power back."

THAT is the key to moving forward. No more settling for crumbs and 2nd best. No more anxiety and worries; or jealous spurts of anger. Put YOURSELF first. Be your own self cheerleader and realize that you are BETTER then the affair and the man.

Remember, the only person that can help you out of this is you. He cannot and most likely won't let you go. IF he does, believe me, it would hurt 10x more.

Keep repeating to yourself that this is YOUR battle, and YOUR goal. Take each step slowly and refuse contacting with him.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:01am

Hi Pilates-


Welcome back. I could have written so much of your post. I can feel the desperation in your attempts to get his attention and he was clearly giving you signs that you would never be his #1 priority- and you knew that... but it was like a conquest almost... could you win him? Could you make him stop loving his W and love you... I can relate to all of this. I think you are clear that it is over now. If neither of you intended to abandon your RL for each other, then there's no point. You now have to face some hard truths about yourself and xap. Stop putting him on a pedastal. Take accountability for your part in the A, but do not absolve him of his. I made that mistake for far too long. I wanted to believe that he was a nice guy. I am not saying you have to hate him... no, but you do have to recognize that he was to blame for the A too- it takes two afterall. So, now, you work hard at NC. You start to be honest with yourself. You move forward. You ride the ups and downs and take them for what they are worth and each day you will get stronger. Each day the fog will lift a little more and you will be able to see everything for what it truly was- you were two people whose paths crossed and you made some bad choices. Now it is time for each of you to pick up the pieces separately. What is important here is you... it's time to focus on you, get to the root of the issues and become a better person. You do have that choice. Happiness is a choice.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:43am

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 10:49am
...


Edited 4/28/2010 2:35 pm ET by jilly1983

Pages