fog of ick

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
fog of ick
11
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 8:24pm

I'm out of town this weekend. I'm sitting in the middle of a big ol' bed, checking emails, watching the news and it hits me.

xAP and I enjoyed ourselves in this very lovely room at some point during our affair. We often met at this hotel for 2 or 3 nights. After I got settled in I realized something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on what was bugging me. The surroundings were just too familiar.(the room is so pretty and stunning views off the balcony) Oh well. Guess I know now. I'm ok. Heck xAP even spent 3 days in my own home, so this is no biggie, other than it's a spooky feeling. And it's a trigger. I thought I was almost immune to "looking back". I feel like I have a veil of ick covering me, a transparent fog of something. Just can't figure out what the something is. Have you ever struggled to get a spider web off you? That's how I feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: bandk73
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:19pm

Hi Band,

I know exactly how you feel. I get that feeling if I just DRIVE BY the hotel that xAP and I used to go to. Not that we did it very often. Just a few times - I considered them very special times.

I'm feeling the ick tonight, not because I'm missing xAP so much, but because H is being a jerk and reminding me how I fell so easily in to the trap of the A in the first place.

Ugh.

-Angel.

NC since April 15, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: bandk73
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 12:44am

Hours later and I'm still trying to shake the ick.

What's a crying shame is this is a gorgeous hotel, beautiful in so many ways, yet tainted by so many memories of nights here with xAP. I suppose I should have requested to move rooms, but I was in here too long before I figured it out. And maybe I should have never booked a room here to start with. But good grief, I like this place. I know it well and it's safe.

Haven't we knocked problems like this around here on EAS in the past? Just how far does one go to avoid triggers? At some point we have to face them. So to myself, yeah so what you guys stayed here a bunch, but by golly these old memories aren't gonna run me off.
Easy said - now get the ick off me !!! ha ha
(bandk is still clawing and spitting at the icky spider web tonight)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bandk73
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 9:08am

Sweetie, I so understand, and let me take your trigger

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
In reply to: bandk73
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 11:42am

Dear Bandk73,

PERFECT metaphor - the icky sticky cobweb that won't come off!!! I feel the exact same way. Just when I think it's all gone and I'm basking in the sunshine of my recovery, I see sparkly glimpses of it on my skin!!

I believe the feeling of the cobweb will eventually go away, if not the web itself. Maybe it's going to be there forever, like a tattoo. We just have to try to accept it like a scar - something that has become a permanent part of us, but you forget about after awhile.

(Funny coincidence - one of the things my xAP told me at the beginning of the A was that he was "stuck in my web"...) (Sigh...)

Here's to clarity, forgiveness and bug spray!!

HLS :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: bandk73
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 4:19pm

iddy, what's weird is xAP was in my home for 3 days and I'm getting past that. I guess because I have to deal with it every day. I drive by one hotel close to my home a few times a week, I shudder, but the feeling passes. But to be sitting on the same bed, relaxing on the same balcony chaises, enjoying the same views - just a wee bit too much. This is a hotel/resort I enjoyed long before I introduced him to it - so I'm not giving up what makes me happy.

hls, yeah, this will forever be ingrained in our memories. I'm hoping it gets pushed so far back I have trouble recalling it.
But when I put myself in a situation like this - what can I expect, ya know! I'm way out from the A. Almost 2 yrs., so one would think I'd be immune to the trigger pains. I did just see him last month and maybe that's still with me. Bring on the bug spray! But do I have to wait until after Halloween to get this icky web off me !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bandk73
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 8:13pm

I so know what you mean. It feels like this sticky film that just sorta covers you. You are braver than I: I couldn't manage to go back to a place we stayed at; like Iddy, I have a hard time even going to any hotel. It is a major trigger.

I too had xAP in my home. Ghosts linger but as I create new memories, they will drift away. I also believe in burning sage to rid spaces of negative energy. They actually moved 2 months after dday and I know part of it was to rid them of the memory of us in their home. I spent lots of time with him there. You know - fake family when they RL one is away.

Ouch.

Anyway - bravo to you for facing your trigger, recognizing in and dealing with the emotions. There are triggers everywhere - heck, just the weather or time of day can be a trigger. Can't avoid those now!

Sending you hugs,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bandk73
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 5:44am

Bandk73,
I feel for you, poor thing. That sticky ick sucks. I'm feeling it right now. Half past 2am and I am wide awake because of it. My family and I had a long-time habit of going to a particular place on Sundays, a place where X and his W would often frequent. I have run into his W there once or twice, but never him. During the A, X and I would coordinate so that I wouldn't be there to vex him should he and his W be going there... how very fn sweet of me to deny my very own family of their pleasure so that gd X wouldn't get a wobbly having to see me in my RL R with my RL family! EW, ew... fn EWWWW! Our family got out of the habit of going there for months, but now my H has said that he misses that tradition and wants to go back regularly again. We went there for Father's Day and I nearly had a panic attack the entire time out of fear of a run-in. Pisses me off! And tonight while making plans for tomorrow, H said he wants to go there again. I thought it might be a good idea to check X's work schedule (which is posted online) to see if he was in town and if I should manipulate my poor H into changing his plan if it were possible that X would be there. Was it a good idea? I don't know. I know that now I feel I've been set back in my healing because I broke strict cyber NC rules, no matter what the reason. However, I've determined... I'm NOT going to be selfish and deny my H what he wants so that I can avoid the stress. I'm really angry at myself and now painfully reminded that I created this ICK, and I'm the only one who should have to contend with it - not my F. As Iddy said, there are triggers that might never go away. I guess I have to buck up. I will never, EVER, check X's work schedule online again. I feel like newbie right now because of it, gosh darn it to heck.

How are you feeling today, B? Any better? I hope so. I admire your kick-it-to-the-curb attitude and I will be thinking of you tomorrow as I walk the gauntlet.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: bandk73
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 10:25am


Dee,

2am and you can't get this out of your mind - I feel for ya!

Dee you sound like me, a classic people pleaser. Maybe more so in the past than now, but I betcha girl you are such a softie at heart. These dang affairs have a way of toughening up our hearts and showing us just what really is important. I kinda like that part of the learning journey. In the past I thought being all sweet and all there for someone was not only the way to be but expected of me. After all, I'm a southern gal! ha! I've adopted a gentle screw you attitude regarding xAP. I'm learning to not let my past with him determine and rule my future. If I worried about seeing him, then I'd be denying myself pleasures that are important to me right now!! No way Jose! His piddling presence on this earth isn't going to determine how I live. You've seen that quote "the best revenge is a life well lived" - well, go for it. Don't let your xAP determine where you and your H might or might not go. I'm blowing my top over that one! Steam coming out I tell ya!Go, have fun, be involved in your real life. Go stake your claim back girl !! Now I might get nervous and hope I don't have to see or talk to xAP, but I won't let the almighty "JAM" rule my whereabouts. I guess that's why I didn't think twice about booking MY hotel room this weekend. This is one of my favorite spots and has been for a long time. Yeah, it's a bit muddled up with memories and it's making me feel icky sticky, but I can deal with it. I'm not willing to trade off MY hotel and go settle for less just because I shared it with him. It's my sandbox and I'm kicking him out, ya know!!!
Dee, I don't know about breaking the NC rules - I try to stay clear of having opinions on that. You did what you did and now it's time to move on. That's all. But IMHO, you looked because you didn't want to run into him. Ok, understand that. But from now on - who gives a rat's behind where he is, ya know. Go. If he sees you and your H, then he sees ya'll. It might just make him squirm enough to leave. Heck, maybe he'd never come back! But my point is I want you to live your life for you and H.
Gotta pack up and hit the road in a while. But not before I enjoy a lovely breakfast on MY balcony, in MY chaise, gazing out over MY view, in MY hotel room.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bandk73
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 10:49am

Good morning, my lil' Steal Magnolia -
Thank you for that great pep talk. I don't think of myself as a people pleaser, but maybe I should rethink that. I certainly was one in the A and bent over backwards to appease X - though, at the time, I considered it more selfish than selfless, since I was trying to hold onto my cake, ykwim? I _am_ a softie, you're right on that, albeit I'm as tough as nails when push comes to shove. When it comes to my family, I am a lioness.

I will adopt your gentle screw you X attitude and reclaim my territory. X is getting kicked out of my sandbox, too. I will piss on bushes, if need be! tomorrow's headlines, "Local Woman Arrested at Farmer's Market for Indecent Exposure and Public Urination on Strawberry Vendor's Stand."

Enjoy YOUR balcony!
xoxo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: bandk73
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 9:59pm

Band,


Just when I was all set to drone on with some oldtimer's advice to you....you found the answer yourself and wrote it:


<<<<<>>>>


You overwrite the memories with new ones in your present time. Just like with any grief (i.e. holidays pass and we end up moving farther and farther away from the stamp of whatever we put on something once). I think you did the best thing by NOT moving to another room. Now you can't say that that room ONLY was the room you trysted in, it is the room you ate a i.e. ton of chocolate in (ok now go do that! or what whatever fun, decadent, or outrageous thing).


Good to see you are doing so great =) I hope you are damn proud of yourself,


Lizzie

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