fog of ick
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| Fri, 06-25-2010 - 8:24pm |
I'm out of town this weekend. I'm sitting in the middle of a big ol' bed, checking emails, watching the news and it hits me.
xAP and I enjoyed ourselves in this very lovely room at some point during our affair. We often met at this hotel for 2 or 3 nights. After I got settled in I realized something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on what was bugging me. The surroundings were just too familiar.(the room is so pretty and stunning views off the balcony) Oh well. Guess I know now. I'm ok. Heck xAP even spent 3 days in my own home, so this is no biggie, other than it's a spooky feeling. And it's a trigger. I thought I was almost immune to "looking back". I feel like I have a veil of ick covering me, a transparent fog of something. Just can't figure out what the something is. Have you ever struggled to get a spider web off you? That's how I feel.

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lizzie, yeah I figured it out all by my lonesome! And I like it that way, ha ha!! (so glad I was alone) If I wallowed in the questions or doubt I had regarding the affair, I wouldn't get very far and I'd be missing so much of real life. Not saying I don't ever think about it - I do. But if I work through it, then I almost always find my strength and with that, the answers. And move on.
I've really grown out of my shell since ending the affair. Maybe it's an age thing or maybe the affair really did shake me to my core. Now I can't stand to be a doormat or be taken advantage of. I took so much crap from xAP that I didn't call him out on. No way would I allow him (memories) to ever suppress me, hold me back or in this case, enjoy something I have every right to. I have to remember it was him (us really) not the hotel that was making me feel icky.
Edited 6/28/2010 1:27 am ET by bandk73
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