The "FOG" is lifting....I can SEE
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| Fri, 05-06-2005 - 6:34am |
It is amazing (and also terrifying) how much dissonance a human being can tolerate. My 7 year participation in an EMA has brought the term “fooling myself” to an entirely new level. I was blinded by the highs of the sexual release which now upon reflection feel more like a wanton experiment in depravity. Yesterday I returned to the site of many of our rendezvous – a lover’s lane of sorts at the end of a rarely used country road. I did some “soul purging” …. Primal, intense sobbing, my pride oozing out as the tears streamed out in torrents of pain – for the SHAME and utterly insipid, idiotic denial of reality that I have tolerated for so long; for all those wasted years sedated by the placebo that was my Affair.
I have been reviewing some of my journaling during the course of my A and have been truly humbled by the level of narcism and rationalization that I am finding within the pages and between the lines. One passage, in particular, provides interesting insight into the state of my mind during my A.
(March 2003) Today is the fifth anniversary of my having a lover. How I have delighted in the escapism of our trysts -the sheer carnal release of our love-making but at what cost to my soul? How I hunger for his touch – but he does not have the power to heal the splinters of my reality. Is he my catalyst or my nemesis? Am I better now with him or without him? Have I reached the peak of his impact on the evolution of me or does the separateness of another “us” in my life keep me from disappearing within my marriage/career partnership? So many questions…. I am afraid to know the answer. I am not strong enough to deny myself the wanton needs of my body self – just another compromise that ravages the personification of me.
I have so much to learn about what I describe as the fragmentation of my reality. I believe the psychologists’ term for it is “compartmentalization”. My A has created yet another splinter in my already wounded soul (I experienced sexual abuse as a child – not an excuse, just another story). It seems I have some obvious issues with intimacy….LOL (understatement).
As the fog slowly settles in the aftermath of my A, I realize that the only one who can “fix” me is ME. I am looking forward to continuing my personal healing journey with the support of a professional therapist (BIG STEP for me!), by reaching out to all you “Survivors” here on this Board and with the TOTAL COMMITMENT to return “all of me” to my husband and family.
ARTIST

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Hey Artist,
Seems you have come a long way in understanding what has been happening in your life - well done with that. I think we all have past reasons that make us targets for A's - I too was abused as a child, and have huge issues with intimacy. I am unfortunately not a survivor just yet, but I am working on it! I hope you have a great day and we get to talk again soon.
Liz
Artist.
Thank you so much for posting this. I was raped 12 years ago by three guys (date rape situation, I guess you could call it), and while I try not to use this as an excuse, I have come to the realization that the rape has something to do with my self-loathing, and constant hunger for attention and admiration from men. All men. I have yet to really work this out in therapy but as the days go by, I know this is the only first step to my recovery.
Thanks and be well.
Rhonda
Artist
NOW you begin to heal, slowly but surely, now your marriage begins to heal, you will make it.
(((Arty)))
Free
((Artist))
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Welcome to the first day of the rest of your new life, a journey that will take you places where your fears will no longer be welcomed. Dig your heels deep into the "foundation of truth" that lays before you, enriched with self_enlightenments and epiphanies. You have earned the right to plant your "victory" flag into the soil due to winning your first battle towards self_discovery.
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Acknowledging that one's burdens can be too overbearing is a HUGE big step. As humans, we are weak and fragile creatures that can easily break under the strenuous weight of self misconceptions. Learning to understand the forces that initially led us into the murky waters of denial will take great courage and fortitude. The road the lies ahead will be riddled with bumps, so hold onto your hat....But it will also be very rewarding and well worth the ride as long as you refuse to take the shortcuts that will present themselves. Always remember that it was temptation that got us into this mess in the first place ;)
I wish you peace and strength,
I can't begin to describe the relief of finally "LETTING GO". I am reminded of some of the reading that I have done in the past about paradym shifts. How profoundly essential is "prospective" to our experience of reality.
I have this new sense of being more connected to the moments of my life. My H seems to intuitively responding to the change in my spirit. We are spontaneously drawn to touching and kissing each other. This may also sound totally melodramatic but even the sun is shining brighter and I feel a renewed and powerful congruence with the natural environment.... I can almost HEAR the grass growing!!!!! If this is that stuff called living in authenticity or oneness or wholeness -whatever, give it to me baby -I want more.
I have my first meeting with a therapist on Thursday - I am apprehensive yet hopeful. So yes, FREE - you're right - the healing has begun :) Haleluyah - and **Id** I AM READY for that bumpy ride. (I printed out your message about me earning my first victory flag and am re-reading it daily -thank-you)
To you others out there wrestling with your own personal demons - particularly those who have also suffered sexual abuse - may we all have the courage and strength to find the TRUTHS that are beckoning in the distance - leading us forth out of the tunnel of darkness that we have allowed to engulf us for much too long.
ARTIST
****Just a side note - my XMM sent me an e-mail over the weekend to tell me how much he missed me - his BEST friend. When I didn't respond he sent me another one, apologizing that he broke our NC rule and that he had had a bit too much wine the night he sent it. The interesting thing for me is that this whole incident is IRRELEVANT to me. What he thinks or is experiencing no longer has any significance to me. My only focus is to move beyond him and learn the lessons of what caused me to detour from my life's journey with him. I no longer need him in my life.
SIGH - easy to say today when I feel strong - but I recognize that there will be times when I will be more vulnerable - that is why it is even more important that I have a full understanding (and control over) my personal triggers.****
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YOU, my dear, are a perfect example as to why I continue to patronize these boards. Whenever one of you amazing women finally "GET IT" and discover the freedom that comes with the "LETTING GO", I want to go running nude through the meadows, screaming at the top of my lungs in utter gleefulness...(I know, quite a visual but it got your attention, eh?)
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You are experiencing the benefits of making an honest decision/choice for putting your life back on track. With that comes empowerment. It will only get better as each new truth swallows up another non-rooted fallacy that affairs can only offer. Soon your wings will be ready for a full-throttled take off, leaving the past completely behind you where it belongs.
Peace,
artist,
i am realy happy for you, no words can describe when u realize the truth, it will be bumpy but i know that u will make it
we are all behind u !!!!
take care,
max
still stuck but doing it one day at a time
ID
I would go running with you but I think mother nature would never be the same after that, to many animals going in to shock at the same time.
Artist
A blessing on your life and marriage....Health Strength and peace to you and your hubby, may a large brick land on XMM from a great height if he sticks his nose in your life.
Free
Edited 5/10/2005 8:07 pm ET ET by mfreenow
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