The "FOG" is lifting....I can SEE
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| Fri, 05-06-2005 - 6:34am |
It is amazing (and also terrifying) how much dissonance a human being can tolerate. My 7 year participation in an EMA has brought the term “fooling myself” to an entirely new level. I was blinded by the highs of the sexual release which now upon reflection feel more like a wanton experiment in depravity. Yesterday I returned to the site of many of our rendezvous – a lover’s lane of sorts at the end of a rarely used country road. I did some “soul purging” …. Primal, intense sobbing, my pride oozing out as the tears streamed out in torrents of pain – for the SHAME and utterly insipid, idiotic denial of reality that I have tolerated for so long; for all those wasted years sedated by the placebo that was my Affair.
I have been reviewing some of my journaling during the course of my A and have been truly humbled by the level of narcism and rationalization that I am finding within the pages and between the lines. One passage, in particular, provides interesting insight into the state of my mind during my A.
(March 2003) Today is the fifth anniversary of my having a lover. How I have delighted in the escapism of our trysts -the sheer carnal release of our love-making but at what cost to my soul? How I hunger for his touch – but he does not have the power to heal the splinters of my reality. Is he my catalyst or my nemesis? Am I better now with him or without him? Have I reached the peak of his impact on the evolution of me or does the separateness of another “us” in my life keep me from disappearing within my marriage/career partnership? So many questions…. I am afraid to know the answer. I am not strong enough to deny myself the wanton needs of my body self – just another compromise that ravages the personification of me.
I have so much to learn about what I describe as the fragmentation of my reality. I believe the psychologists’ term for it is “compartmentalization”. My A has created yet another splinter in my already wounded soul (I experienced sexual abuse as a child – not an excuse, just another story). It seems I have some obvious issues with intimacy….LOL (understatement).
As the fog slowly settles in the aftermath of my A, I realize that the only one who can “fix” me is ME. I am looking forward to continuing my personal healing journey with the support of a professional therapist (BIG STEP for me!), by reaching out to all you “Survivors” here on this Board and with the TOTAL COMMITMENT to return “all of me” to my husband and family.
ARTIST

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