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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
following
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Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:40am

Does anyone have advice about being followed by their XAP? I'm not in fear physically. But will he FINALLY get it this time?? Long story short, I've been trying to end this for a week and a half (or 7 1/2 years, depending on how you look at it...) I tried to just disappear, didn't work. We finally had the "don't contact me until you've left your W" talk on Sunday. Monday I noticed him driving by my office several times during the day. Yesterday, same thing but I got a text that said he's not an idiot. (translation: I know you are up to something, you are seeing someone) He can't possibly imagine that I don't want anything to do with him because he is a MM and I'm sick and tired of getting nothing from him. No, I don't want to talk to him (insert sarcastic tone here) because I am already flinging it up with some other man and lying to him about it. Please.

I'm going to walk to work this morning so he won't know that I'm there. He'll be back at work next week, and won't have all this time on this hands, so hopefully it will just stop. Affairs turn us into such ugly people. I've said things to him that I can't even believe I've said. I've been treated in ways that I never would have imagined allowing. Why? For what? Last night as I was playing a game with my daughter, son and son's girlfriend. I thought to myself "I'm not having an affair anymore". And it felt good.

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 8:44am
This is a song and dance you have played with this MM for seven years. That's a long time. Why did you talk to him on Sunday and tell him not to call you until he left his W? Why didn't you block him and not allow him to get through to you? This man just came off of vacation with his W and he returns and wants to know if his mistress has another man???? Do you really want this circus to be over? If so, tell him it is none of his business who you, a single woman dates. Tell him that he has a W whom he thought so much about that he took her on vacation. Tell him you are tired of hiding out and being his dirty little secret. If he continues to stalk you, warn him that you will file stalking charges on him. It's time for you to get real with yourself and tough with this cheater.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 8:46am

Bodhi,
Tell me again why you can't block his text?

If you're not in fear, and he's just being a pest/jerk, then it would be best if you could insulate yourself from exposure - as in not being available for his text and not looking out for him circling your office (if possible.)

On the other hand, if you are the slightest bit worried that he could be a threat, then you must take very decisive action. There are shocking statistics re: how many women have had to deal with stalkers, something like 1 in 4, I think. Anyway, there is lots of advice online for this. Change your routine, route to work, where you park, even your car. Alert your building security and receptionist about him and instruct them that the police should be called if he comes onto the property. And do not ever, ever, ever engage the stalker in any way. Any contact with you, even angry threats to "leave me alone" only fuels their fire and encourages more stalking.

Don't let this turkey get you down. You have to focus on your healing now and should not be worrying too much what he things re: you having a life that doesn't include him. Don't waste your valuable mental energy in his direction any more.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 9:13am

I don't have any advice about being followed. When I ended my A, I made it clear that it was over, for good. It sounds like you left the door open... The A is over, unless he ends his M??? Really??? If he left his W today, you'd be with him? After everything?

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 10:25am

<<>>

I talked to him on Sunday because I'd never actually said the words "don't contact me" I thought that by ignoring him, he would get the message. Plus I'll admit I was scared to. Regardless, I did finally say the words, and I have not talked to him since. I did tell him during the last conversation all of the things you suggested - that he took W on vacation, that I'm tired of hiding, etc. I'm sure since he's heard it all before, he thinks that I'm bluffing.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 10:44am

Thanks Dee :)

I could block his cell from my cell, but he can call my office and my house (I'm single). Also, he is a client of mine and there are numerous numbers that he can call from from work. I don't work with him directly, so I get calls from other people there as well. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's really not - I'm not looking to keep an open door. I do have caller ID at home and at work. When their number shows up at work, I've let it go to VM so I can make sure it's not him. He's a pretty prominent person in town, so I don't think he'll take it any further than what he is doing now. This is his reaction when I pull away. He feels very entitled to me and doesn't know yet that I do mean business this time.

I did walk to work today, so my car isn't here. I've moved my computer so I don't face the street - I have two large windows in front of my office, so it's a normal reaction for me to glance up a lot - trust me, I'm not looking for his car to drive by constantly.

Great idea to change my routine too. It's just me and my employee here - I do have a panic button that is under my desk that I put in with my security system about 10 years ago. You can never be too safe - even without a crazed XAP in your life. It works too - I accidentally pushed it a couple years ago! :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 10:55am

Jane -

I made it clear - he just has a very thick head, combine that with 7.5 years of me crying wolf as you said, it's no wonder.

You made a good point - when telling him not to contact me anymore I should have left out the "unless you end things" part. It doesn't matter. He won't leave her and I'm realizing more and more each day just how toxic he is and how horrible the relationship was. So, no - if he left today I wouldn't welcome him with open arms.

I'm not letting him in - literally or figuratively. I can't go back. I've felt more relief in the past several days than I've felt in years.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:02pm

Good for you Bodhi. I hope you didn't think I was criticizing you. That was not my intent. I was only looking at it from his perspective. You have decided you are done and now you take the steps to block him. You have your resolve and that's what it takes. I know you can do this :) I am glad you are here to get support and offer your insight to others.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:30pm

Not at all Jane :) I don't know if he drove by in the morning, but I left work at 1:30 to take my kids to see Eclipse (oooooo). We walked to the theatre and he drove by us 4 times. Scary, huh? I can't wait until his vacation is over! He won't have time for this next week.

Bodhi

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:06am

MPoV - (Male Point of View)


He knows that you just couldn't leave him unless you had someone new. -- Blow to his ego.


You said it before. He knows that you don't mean it. -- She'll change her mind.


She said UNLESS, that means she still loves

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:44am

Great response, RBM, and thanks for posting in. We can always use a MPOV around these here parts. ;-)


I've already told Bodhi that he's looking around to see if he has already been replaced. What a tool. Sorry, but when people do this, (M or F), it is just so high school, IMO. Too bad he isn't focusing on deciding whether he wants to stay M or not, but then again, where is the rush in that?


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


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