Following your heart or your head?
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Following your heart or your head?
| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:45pm |
Realizing that things would never be as I wanted them to be, but just not able to walk away I was seeing how the issues were literally changing who we were when we were together, and I didn't want for that to be happening to us as what we shared was much to special to allow for things to come down to that. So, in not wanting things to get to the point of destroying the memories of all of the great times we once shared, I decided to write my MM a letter explaining just that. As I didn't want to have to end it with feeling hurt or angry.
Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting over the weekend for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.
Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting over the weekend for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.

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Agreed, banished at least
For thoughs that did not get it the Genes thing was a joke.
F
Edited 4/10/2004 12:55 pm ET ET by mefreenow
I hate to admit it but for the past 5 months I've been a female stringer alonger. The OM and I talk constantly about what we are both feeling and he continually says that it is a decision he has made to continue to see me. Thus putting the blame (and pain) of the relationship on himself. However it was me who finally had to say NO MORE.
elf
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