Fool me once didn't work...
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|Thu, 04-25-2013 - 2:31pm|
I’ve been in an A for about a year now. He’s a MM, co-worker. I was M 8 yrs when it started. Somehow AP convinced me he saw something missing in my life and felt HE was the one who could provide it. I fought the urges (I had had an A back in 2002, got dumped by AP when we got caught). I ended up D my 1st H as a result of many years of emotional abuse, but not because of the A. He never knew about it. I had barely any interaction with this co-worker NOR did I flirt or give out signals I was interested in him. He came at me from nowhere. He was persistent, INSISTANT and basically wouldn’t leave me alone even when I told him time and time again I wasn’t interested. I went back and forth between what was wrong and what was right sometimes within an hour’s time over the fact I did NOT want to hurt my DH or repeat history. I should have told DH…I totally admit that now. But I didn’t.
Long story short, I was intrigued, curious and flattered and caved to where we started meeting outside of work (just sitting in a car talking or kissing). There was definitely chemistry –something that had always been lacking in my M. We only had one “date” one Saturday (no s*x at this point) before his W got suspicious and confronted him. He admitted he had feelings for me..she called my H, all hel* broke loose then. I was ready to walk out on my H on D-Day. MM thought he was going to walk out too until he realized how difficult and painful that decision was on his kids (something I had been warning him about for a while) so he backed out and left me hanging. I was devastated and felt soo foolish because this had happened to me AGAIN!
I made a half-hearted effort to repair my M…insisted on NC (for a short time), separated for a bit, but I couldn’t get MM out of my head or my heart and working together made that virtually impossible. MM said he couldn’t leave his family -- YET, but he wanted to continue seeing me saying his feelings for me hadn’t changed. At first I was FURIOUS and refused thinking I had WAY more self-respect than that. Like an idiot, I agreed to let him back in my life and that pretty much ended my M. I got caught several times contacting MM outside work through various ways. The worst was when H and I were on a get-away in an attempt to repair things, when he found a sent email on my phone. H was understandably upset and things just ended up getting crazy to the point of him getting physical with me, so we filed for D which was final a month ago.
Fast forward 7 months- MM and I eventually took it from an EA to a PA. OFF THE CHARTS…best s*x both of us have had our whole lives. (Not that this matters, but it plays into the difficulty of letting go). One or both of us have been busted by his W in numerous ways…she does NOT know to what extent we are involved though because he just tells her we are co-workers and friends.
He wants a D—has told his W this, she ignores it and sweeps it under the rug. Whenever I start pulling back from guilt or because I know I want more and he can’t give it, he tells me how bad things are at his house and ends up doing something to convince me I just need to hang in there while they split up. He seems to think that there is SOME way for him to split cleanly, have his kids be OK AND interject me into his life later. I’ve told him that I don’t see a way that will happen.
We have been in the merry-go-round mode of arguing, talking about splitting up, making up and things being great (which literally only lasts 4-5 days at the MOST) and then we go back around again. Last week, quite out of the blue, he asked me to give him some time to try to “work things out” on his end because he was having issues with his teenage kids (which he felt was his fault) and was feeling a lot of guilt. He felt that his W was going to use the A as a weapon to get his kids to side with her during a D. He didn’t want to give her any ammunition, nor did he want to chance a slip-up which could potentially ruin him. He said he didn’t want to talk because he was having so many mixed feelings. MM told me we are NOT broken up, but our contact has gone WAY down at work and he never contacts me once he leaves. He is basically avoiding me like the plague. In a moment of panic, I told him I’d wait for him for however long it took. THEN I realized that I’m looking at the potential to sit around waiting for months at the very minimum. If it even happens! He is keeping me in his back pocket as a fail safe to go back to when things get tough at his house. I have NO idea what is going on … he’s keeping me in the dark on purpose.
Going back to me, I’ve been living on my own since February and am MISERABLE. I miss my H’s companionship (but that’s about it), I miss my social life and feel like I’ve become a hermit because my mood is solely driven by whether or not I have contact with him. I do SOME activities, but nothing like I used to. Weekends are the worst! L
I am obsessed with him, although I am TRYING not to be. I realize its an addiction and am hoping it gets easier. I am thinking this time on our “break”, things could just naturally fizzle out… he misses me (he admitted that yesterday), but perhaps he realizes that he just has too much stuff to sort through and can’t expect me to wait. He is afraid of losing me, knows that he’s not giving me all that I deserve, but doesn’t want me trying to find someone ELSE because it would kill him.
I AM in counseling…have been since October. I’m making head-way with my discoveries about myself, but because of being driven by fear, I cannot or will not allow myself to actually act on them and make changes. I know what I need to do, but just cannot seem to pull the plug and make it final.
This MB got me through my last A after it ended and I made a life-long friend. I’m hoping this time the same thing happens. Only 1 friend knows the whole situation and I’m SURE she is getting tired of listening to the same B.S. over and over!
Thanks for reading..