Fool me once didn't work...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2012
Fool me once didn't work...
3
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 2:31pm

I’ve been in an A for about a year now.  He’s a MM, co-worker.  I was M 8 yrs when it started.  Somehow AP convinced me he saw something missing in my life and felt HE was the one who could provide it. I fought the urges (I had had an A back in 2002, got dumped by AP when we got caught).  I ended up D my 1st H as a result of many years of emotional abuse, but not because of the A.  He never knew about it.   I had barely any interaction with this co-worker NOR did I flirt or give out signals I was interested in him.  He came at me from nowhere.  He was persistent, INSISTANT and basically wouldn’t leave me alone even when I told him time and time again I wasn’t interested.   I went back and forth between what was wrong and what was right sometimes within an hour’s time over the fact I did NOT want to hurt my DH or repeat history.  I should have told DH…I totally admit that now. But I didn’t. 

Long story short, I was intrigued, curious and flattered and caved to where we started meeting outside of work (just sitting in a car talking or kissing).  There was definitely chemistry –something that had always been lacking in my M.  We only had one “date” one Saturday (no s*x at this point) before his W got suspicious and confronted him.  He admitted he had feelings for me..she called my H, all hel* broke loose then.   I was ready to walk out on my H on D-Day.  MM thought he was going to walk out too until he realized how difficult and painful that decision was on his kids (something I had been warning him about for a while) so he backed out and left me hanging.  I was devastated and felt soo foolish because this had happened to me AGAIN!

I made a half-hearted effort to repair my M…insisted on NC (for a short time), separated for a bit, but I couldn’t get MM out of my head or my heart and working together made that virtually impossible.  MM said he couldn’t leave his family -- YET, but he wanted to continue seeing me saying his feelings for me hadn’t changed.  At first I was FURIOUS and refused thinking I had WAY more self-respect than that.  Like an idiot, I agreed to let him back in my life and that pretty much ended my M.  I got caught several times contacting MM outside work through various ways.  The worst was when H and I were on a get-away in an attempt to repair things, when he found a sent email on my phone.  H was understandably upset and things just ended up getting crazy to the point of him getting physical with me, so we filed for D which was final a month ago.  

Fast forward 7 months- MM and I eventually took it from an EA to a PA.  OFF THE CHARTS…best s*x both of us have had our whole lives.   (Not that this matters, but it plays into the difficulty of letting go). One or both of us have been busted by his W in numerous  ways…she does NOT know to what extent we are involved though because he just tells her we are co-workers and friends.   

He wants a D—has told his W this, she ignores it and sweeps it under the rug.   Whenever I start pulling back from guilt or because I know I want more and he can’t give it, he tells me how bad things are at his house and ends up doing something to convince me I just need to hang in there while they split up.  He seems to think that there is SOME way for him to split cleanly, have his kids be OK AND interject me into his life later.  I’ve told him that I don’t see a way that will happen. 

We have been in the merry-go-round mode of arguing, talking about splitting up, making up and things being great (which literally only lasts 4-5 days at the MOST) and then we go back around again.  Last week, quite out of the blue, he asked me to give him some time to try to “work things out” on his end because he was having issues with his teenage kids (which he felt was his fault) and was feeling a lot of guilt.  He felt that his W was going to use the A as a weapon to get his kids to side with her during a D.  He didn’t want to give her any ammunition, nor did he want to chance a slip-up which could potentially ruin him.  He said he didn’t want to talk because he was having so many mixed feelings.  MM told me we are NOT broken up, but our contact has gone WAY down at work and he never contacts me once he leaves.  He is basically avoiding me like the plague.   In a moment of panic, I told him I’d wait for him for however long it took.  THEN I realized that I’m looking at the potential to sit around waiting for months at the very minimum.  If it even happens!    He is keeping me in his back pocket as a fail safe to go back to when things get tough at his house.    I have NO idea what is going on … he’s keeping me in the dark on purpose.

Going back to me, I’ve been living on my own since February and am MISERABLE.  I miss my H’s companionship (but that’s about it), I miss my social life and feel like I’ve become a hermit because my mood is solely driven by whether or not I have contact with him.   I do SOME activities, but nothing like I used to.  Weekends are the worst!  L

 I am obsessed with him, although I am TRYING not to be.  I realize its an addiction and am hoping it gets easier.  I am thinking this time on our “break”, things could just naturally fizzle out… he misses me (he admitted that yesterday), but perhaps he realizes that he just has too much stuff to sort through and can’t expect me to wait.  He is afraid of losing me, knows that he’s not giving me all that I deserve, but doesn’t want me trying to find someone ELSE because it would kill him.    

I AM in counseling…have been since October.  I’m making head-way with my discoveries about myself, but because of being driven by fear, I cannot or will not allow myself to actually act on them and make changes.  I know what I need to do, but just cannot seem to pull the plug and make it final.

This MB got me through my last A after it ended and I made a life-long friend.  I’m hoping this time the same thing happens.  Only 1 friend knows the whole situation and I’m SURE she is getting tired of listening to the same B.S. over and over!  

Thanks for reading.. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 5:08pm
My, my what a tangled web you've woven. First, please stop telling yourself that this MM pursued you so hard that you just had to say no. When you really learn to take complete charge of your actions and your life NO ONE can force you into anything. Especially a MM who has made vows to another woman. Second, this is the second M where you have cheated and that is not good. Not judging because I had an exit A to end my first M but I would rather jump off of a bridge before I ever let someone talk me into entering into another A. You are still in the stage where you are believing everything he is telling you and that is not a healthy stage. You have to realize that when you meet a man who isn't going home to someone else who loves, nurtures and takes care of you and you feel safe, there is no better s*x in the world. To wake up with a man who isn't washing away your scent after the act but rather he holds you in his arms and doesn't rush away to another woman - OMG - that creates an "O" that is not just physical but emotional as well. Anyway, you have to learn boundaries with MM. You have give off a clear message that you are not "that girl" so MM know not to pursue you. Even if it means not having MM as friends and not allowing yourself to enter into non-work-related conversations with MM. You have to start safe-guarding your heart and your dignity but putting rules of behavior in place. Of course he is afraid of losing you. He has a woman who is willing to sacrifice her dignity, hide out in his life and keep in from his W while having two women serve him up. You have to start making better choices about your life and the ppl you choose to let into your life. Good luck in T, I hope you can get to a place where you can unravel what is making you make such destructive choices. Especially if you have children who are watching you lead your life into a train wreck.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 8:47pm

Welcome back to the Ending an Affair Support Board, Hereagain

I'm sorry you are here again, but glad you feel comfortable coming back for support.  I think you want support to end it, right?  

You said this MB helped you with your first affair.  So you know the drills, you know the score....what has to be done to end this.  Do you want this affair to end or are you just waiting 'til he gives the green light?

If you are serious about ending it, you know you need to take back your power and make a concise and clear declaration that you 'are done' and implement limited, business-only contact at the work place and then stick to your guns to move on.  You already know this, right?  Good good good :)

You are going to have to pull that plug.  I think it should be you, and not him, who does it. Nothing worse than getting rejected, and he's been rejecting you over and over...time for you take over the wheel of your life and reject this whole affair.  Believe me, it is better that YOU do it before he does...to avoid further feelings of rejection.

And I am glad you are in counseling...to help you sort through your stuff and help guide and support you.  

Keep posting in for support and to let us know are you are doing.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2012
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 9:12am

Myrasfriend--I totally agree with you on my 2nd A in a 2nd M;  I also cheated on my 1st H a few times which were one time things and got back into an EA with my XAP while married to H#2 as well.  I FINALLY kicked the habit (or so I thought). Actually it was about March of last year (right before this MM started at me) that I told DH how PROUD I was of myself because I had no secrets, I had not done anything "bad" for a few years and I thought we were in a good place.   Then whammy!!  MM played to my weakness then AND he still does!  

This is how pathetic I am!  Yesterday when I wrote this message I had included something along the lines if MM contacts me again for a booty-call I'm going to tell  him no because I'm not going through this pain and hurt again.  Then I deleted it, because I wasn’t sure that was entirely the case.

He and I ended up chatting a bit in IM yesterday, he told me how much better his home life was when we weren’t communicating (which of course I realized would happen), but that he missed me so very much.  The conversation ended up turning  into him asking if he could come see me before work today.  At first I said no..that it wasn't going to help resolve anything and I wasn’t even entirely sure he was serious.  He said I was right, but it would be a few minutes in heaven.  He also told me that he almost surprised me before work yesterday (I would have been enormously shocked) but didn’t do it cause he didn’t want to cause me any more pain.   He threw out some sexual comments at me, said how pretty I was and promised he'd call me when he left work.  

I sat here shaking my head thinking...WHAT THE H*LL is wrong with me?  AND HIM!  He's a piece of CRAP for jerking me and my emotions around like that.  He hasn't talked to me in almost 2 weeks and NOW that there is a potential to hook up, he's going to call.  Well, he did call..we couldn't talk long because I had left work and had to be somewhere, but basically we both agreed he's not leaving his family nor can he keep me stringing me along.   We admitted we loved each other, but there wasn’t anything good that was going to come from it.   And then we agreed we'd just meet for s*x this morning... sort of friends with benefits!   I know, I know!  Are you screaming at your screen at me??? I deserve it!

This morning we ended up talking for about an hour, both of us cried (he feels bad for destroying my life, but I said it wasn't all him and I was taking 1/2 the blame as well).   He said he was certain this wasn’t the last time we would hook-up, but I want it to be and it HAS to be!  I’m not sad and actually feel a sense of relief that he has finally agreed to let me go instead of giving me hope he could get some way for it to work out.  He gave his “permission” for me to date when I’m ready (which I am NOT yet).   I have been a nervous wreck the past few months not knowing what was going to happen.  Now I know he’s made his choice,  I will have time to just take care of me and try to figure out what has driven me to these repeated VERY bad life choices.  Sadly, Myrasfriend I’m almost 52 yrs old… you would think I would know better.  My kids are grown, live away..they know nothing, thank God!   I have deep-seated issues, obviously.   I’m not proud at all.  I so badly want a good, normal relationship with a loving man who I connect with on all levels.  I’m just not confident that will happen at this point in my life… L