Foolish me...
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Foolish me...
| Fri, 02-06-2004 - 6:59am |
I foolishly thought that I was getting over this hurt. For the first time since November 23, i made it through the day without crying...not just one day, but 4 in a row! And then for some strange reason I was up at 3am this morning squalling my eyes out again, wondering how the hell I will make it without him. WHY? I mean, i can't think of anything that may have set off the overwhelming flood of memories. I just know that all of the sudden I MISSED him so much. The smell of his skin, the look in his eyes, the sound of his voice...his kiss. I just want to get over this, but at the same time I kind of know that it won't happen anytime soon.
ineverknew (it would hurt this much)

i think all of this is the "normal" way we experience loss......i was reading a book about recovering from loss of love, and this author puts a name to what we've been going through.....she says we go through five stages - S.W.I.R.L. -
1. Shattering
2. Withdrawal
3. Internalizing the Rejection
4. Rage
5. Lifting
according to the author, and i completely agree after going through this, we go through this SWIRL, these stages initially after a loss, and then, even though when we finally reach the end we think we're on our way to recovery, it seems we just go back around the circle again.....i know for me, i'm always surprised, sometimes shocked, to find myself experiencing the earlier phases again.....i'll be thinking i'm really ok (i guess i'm in the lifting stage at that point), and i'll be looking ahead to my future and trying to be optimistic about it, and that will feel pretty good.....and before i know it, BAM!, i turn around and i'm crying because i miss him again!.....and then maybe a day later i'll remember something that happened in the past and i'll be so angry at him about it.....and then eventually i'll come full circle and forgive him and wish the best for him in my heart.....all i know, is that this cycle keeps happening to me, but i've noticed that each time the stages are much shorter lived than before, (thank heaven!!) and i recover from them quicker and move to the next stage......according to the author of the book, we don't always hit each stage every time around either.....it's just such a process!!!!....and it's strange to see myself going through it and be subject to these constant changes of mood and ways of thinking.....just when i think i've gotten to one point, i'm back at another again.......
i don't know if this explanation helped at all, but i hope it did.......i've been tryng to not fight all of this swirling, but just go through it and accept the range of emotions...and i've been trying to learn different things from different stages.....it seems every stage brings some new wisdom to it, either about myself or about him or about the relationship and situation of our lives, and i keep trying to take that to the next place i'm in and let it help me through the next difficult time......
believe it or not, on days like today, it's difficult to see that you ARE making progress....it's just so hard to see during moments or days when you're still overwhelmed with emotion.......i'm banking on it getting better, because what else can i do?.....and everyone heals at a different pace, and you just have to have faith that you are moving towards a healthier place in your life.....try to listen to the things you're learning as you go through all of this, and make all of that knowledge work for you while you're healing and in the future.......and keep posting for support...there is so much of it here......hugs to you!.....ada...
For me, it's all behind me. I'm only grateful to my friends who never ever let me forget that what I was doing was wrong and not good enough for me, my therapist who helped me understand why I had an A and what I got out of it and how to meet those needs in healthy ways, my new boyfriend who taught me what honesty and love really is in a REAL relationship, and my kids who just by being there reminded me every day that I had to change my life FOR THEM.
Good luck to you all -- let yourself grieve this loss but start taking steps to MOVE ON. Get involved in YOUR life. Go into therapy if you're unable to move on. do NOT give up or give in. You deserve a good happy honest life. You don't deserve the trash.