forgiveness in the new year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
forgiveness in the new year.
6
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 12:35pm

It's been a while.  I see lot of newbies, and lots of vet faces - it's good to see all of you.

Yesterday I was served with an "official" request from agovt source. xAP is upgrading his security clearance and our affair is in question.  Not too long after being served with the official request for information, I also got an email from him via my work email. 

I won't lie - I felt physically sick.  Even tho it's been 2 years and even tho I've worked out a lot of demons that led me to and through my A, I feel like just when I get to a good place with things somehow that ONE SINGLE DECISION to engage comes back again and again.  Every time it does I feel like a failure again.  Last night when it reared it's head again I physically felt ill. Even tho I "know" I have come a long way from being the person that chose that, I feel like that one mistake will punctuate parts the rest of my life. HOW do I get past this sense of failure?

I can't believe how much it's crippled me.
Emotionally I feel raw and hurt and angry and frustrated. and dumb. because it was dumb. really really dumb. I just want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head and munch on comfort foods and make myself feel better.. even tho I know that it's only a temporary feel-good. ugh. But I'm not doing that. I am at work, trying to not feel horrid and beat myself up. It's so dumb that I feel heartbroken all over again in myself. I've sat here all morning examining my life since - and retracing subsequent poor choices because it took me a while to put measures in place not to put myself in the same position again. I know I shouldn't sit here and self-flog - but a part of me feels like I deserve it.

Someone once told me that the reason we have a hard time is because we rarely forgive ourselves for such mistakes. Now I'm left to wonder if this is true - obviously I hold myself emotionally and mentally hostage and if this is so - how on earth do I forgive myself?  I've gone round the bend with this - as everyone that I've worked with (therapist, religious person, etc.) tells me it's just a matter of letting it go, or giving it over to God - and for the life of me I thought I had....... but if I have - why am I sitting here feeling such hurt and sadness and grief again???

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 1:33pm

I wish I could help you. I am at a loss for words.

Holding on, seems to be the question and how to get over it.

In my case I hold onto other things that others tell me to let go of and I can't.

I don't understand. I can't get a grasp on your guilt.

I've said this before, and it must just be the difference in human beings. I feel no guilt, no self disappointment, no nothing about doing what I did.  I feel like a fool, but that is only because of my age. I think I should have known better. 

Good luck to you, and glad to see you here. I wish you healing this new year.

My best in your healing.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 3:01pm

Hey there,

So glad you posted.  Funny, but another vet of ours is posting in due to feeling a little shaky.  Malepov recently posted that he found a photo of XAP and it shook things up again.  So good to know that there is a place we can go to where people really GET it.

I shared with another friend today that we must simply navigate and slowly move over the speed bumps that come our way versus trying to fly over them at high speeds, which just incurs more damage.

Be gentle with yourself.  Maybe you don’t have the answer as to ‘why’ you feel the way you do right now.  Just accept it, ride it out.  You’ll be okay.  I know you will.

Yes, we all behaved poorly while in the A.  An ugly fact.  But what we do with that now is what is important.  You are not the person you were while you were in the A.  Celebrate that!  And don’t beat yourself up.  It’s not like you broke contact or anything!!  Now, THAT would be a BIG self-imposed speed bump!!Surprised

Maybe write a grateful list? 

Please keep us posted……..

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 3:02pm
thanks RBM, I've had my share of guilt, and thought that I was past it. While I'm disappointed that I let myself get to a low place enough to agree to cash in for crumbs, I have no other self-disappointment, and I hold no guilt issues with what I did to xap's family or W. He did that to his family with his own choices. Maybe I'm confusing sadness with being heartbroken - whatever it is It has put me in a weird place mentally - I don't miss xAP and I'm clear in my head what our A was about - and there was no love in it. Scary how mis-used that word is. I hold no illusions about him or what we had anymore. But why would I be sad?? My feelings as I had to sit through the day and fill out this humilitating record are that of anger. Angry that I have to do this - angry that I am left to explain and answer for what I did with xAP so that HE can upgrade his security clearance. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at the injustice of having to answer to anyone actually. WTH is my xA any part of anyones business. ugh. Maybe bitterness is creeping in. is that it? Am I just bitter?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 3:05pm
Thanks Sunrise :) Maybe you are right - maybe today I just need to stop and remember the gratefuls. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 5:41pm

Hello Lolly,

GAK. When I have my moments in which I have to confront the A again, and I don't have many, my emotions go from anger, to frustration, to sadenss, to disappointment - in myself. I think it's at times like these when the world asks us to account again for what we did. I know it's awful, and nobody's business, but why should we get to skate? I mean, where special, but we not THAT special.

Like you, I don't often feel guilty, and I don't indulge shame, but those moments when I have to account for the A again - well - they engage the not so confident and poor self-esteem sides of me that I really don't like; and hate to have to work on even more. I'd like a pass on those from time to time.

Sunrise reminds me of finding that photo of my XAP recently.  That sucked pretty bad. For one, I remember really liking that photo. Two, I thought I had gotten rid of all of that stuff in the shredder. Three, It reminded me of how poor all of my decision making was. Four, what if DW found it. It really triggered a moment of self-loathing that I could have done without, and honestly, it made me feel bitter; I don't like feeling bitter. We all have had our struggles with feeling angry at our XAPs. It's an emotion that just begets more and more and more of the same. Anger begets anger.  Feeling angry at myself, bitter about XAP, and lame about the whole circumstance; well, it's just no good at all.

To me, though, it's all about acceptance. It's what I work on the most. If I can accept, fully, that I engaged in the A, that I acted the way I acted, and that I exercised so much poor judgment, then I have to accept that occasionally the world is going to ask me to account for it. As much as I hate it, they go hand in hand. We don't get off that easy; and why should we? I have to accept that from time to time, I'm going to have to deal with what I did and the fallout from it. But, if I can accept it, maybe it won't be so bad.  It's just a part of life after the A.

So, perhaps you could think about that. I would hate to have to deal with it as you have, but you don't have to deal with it emotionally, just factually and mechanically. It's like having to step on the scale at the doctor's office; just do it and don't look. Fill out the form, check the boxes, and don't give it any more though. 

Age: Older than I'd like

Weight: More than I can believe

Had affair: Yep

Breath deep, smile, forgive yourself, and ignore anyone that would judge your answers.

I hope it goes well and that the sadness doesn't last. 

MPV

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 8:49pm

I'm sorry, (((Lolly)))

It really sucks when we work so hard at doing and being better; and then whammo...we are blindsided by being served up a reminder of a time we have worked so hard to put behind us.  Seems it can't be helped.  Sh*t happens...sh*t shows up when we least expect it.

I hate to see this upsetting your applecart, Lolly.  Try not to let it negate all you've done to be who you are today.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS