Forgiving Yourself After the Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Forgiving Yourself After the Affair
4
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:14pm

For those of you who were able to successfully end your affair or are seriously considering ending it, how are you coping with the leftover guilt? I am an xOW who was in an affair with a MM. After he told his wife about the A, she decided she wanted to try to work it out, much to his dismay. Since the A ended (almost a year ago), I have been overcome with guilt at what this did to his wife and family (they have children under 2 years of age). The only solace I have is that I essentially told him to go back to his family because I didn't think I would be able to live with myself if I successfully stole him away. But, now I'm caught in a Catch-22. Even though I quit my job (xMM and I worked together) and moved to another state, I can't help but feel immense guilt for the hurt I caused last year. It has been helpful to me that I have been able to ignore his attempts at communication with me, knowing I am FINALLY doing the right thing, when I was being so unethical DURING the affair. Kind of a philosophy where I've started the fire, but I'm not adding any more kindling to the flames...it helps me, at least, to know I am finally taking the higher road.

So, my question is this: how have you coped with the guilt, if any, that you newly found or was more pronounced after the affair's death?

~Seeking Peace (now you know how I chose my name for this board :))




Edited 11/27/2004 9:19 pm ET ET by seekingpeace04
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:24pm

I guess I should clarify that I did not actively seek him out to have an affair with; as with most affairs, it was the opposite. XMM came on strongly to me...but I didn't really put up a fight. So, I am equally culpable. I just re-read my last post and I made it sound like I was trying to "steal" him, but by having an A with him, I suppose I was, albeit indirectly and more passive-aggressively. I never asked him to leave his wife, but I was engaging in emotionally and sexually intimate relations with him...so aggressively or passive-aggressively, I was taking him away from his home.

Anyway, back to my original question. How does the OW/OP forgive herself?

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 10:07pm

I have to say that the fact that you are feeling this guilt is probably a good sign - it means that you are opening your eyes to the reality of what the affair really was. I know with myself I have felt guilty at times, but mainly I find myself in denial at what I've really done to their family and ofcourse to mine. I recall one day not long ago complaining of something OM's wife has done as she is a 'friend' of mine and all of a sudden it ran through my mind 'and what have you done???'. It stopped me dead in my tracks, yes, she had not taken her turn in carpooling, but really, how does that compare to what I had done? I felt really horrible at how hard I had been on her, when I was the one that had really betrayed a friend.

It is hard to face - I don't think I've even really begun. I admire you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 10:38pm

Peace

Wow!! Guilt that's a novel concept. It has never even crossed my mind, I guess I have been believing his W and my H, neglected and ignored the problems for so long that we were doing this to save/stay in our marriages. Pretty pathetic...and above all selfish.

You are luck to feel guilt, I just feel numb now. Don't sell yourself short you are a better woman than you are willing to admit.

Thanks for the wake up call.
Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:20am

Seekingpeace, here is a copy of my post about guilt that I posted on October 24, #14416.5:


"Since you are a church going person, I share this quote from 1st John 1:7-10, New Language Translation by Tyndale House Publishers:


"But if we are living in the light of God's presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that His word has no place in our hearts."


I ulitmately found that my relationship with God was more important than any affair I ever participated in. It took me over 17 years to reach that place. I had already spoken with my ex-w about my marriage affairs and then wondered how to re-connect with God. A visiting speaker at my church shared the quote above with me as a path to move past my guilt and renew my connection with God. I share it with you now as a means to regain your faith and leave your guilt behind you. Leave your affair in the past and accept nothing that resembles it into your life going forward. You will regain your integrity. God delivers on His promises. I am living proof of that........"


I'm open to any follow up questions you may have.....


cl-nre