former lurker

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Registered: 05-31-2003
former lurker
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Sat, 01-08-2005 - 1:03pm
I've just ended a 4+ year EA which never got beyond the kissing stage because I couldn't go there. It is also a long distance A, which sure helped us not get physical, even though we managed to see each other several times a year. I rationalized that since we weren't having intercourse, I wasn't such a bad girl. But naturally, I withdrew from my husband, wasn't there for my kids in ways I should have been, went through ridiculous moods swings that baffled my husband, etc. I saw xMM in December and explained all the reasons I had to end it. The immediate issue was that he was pressuring me to have sex finally, and I realized I just couldn't go there. The very next day, of course, I thought I had made a big mistake, depriving myself of sex with the Love of My Life. Luckily, he is resolute about ending the EA/whateveritis also, because he needs to move on with his life. He is separated but not divorced.
Anyway, I am still hurting and still have fantasies about getting back together, still wishing I had had a REAL affair instead of just an EA (I know this is crazy because an EA was crazy-making enough), still hoping to contact him, etc. It's taken a little while to hash things out, but now I am in NC.
Husband just came into room. Would love comments, suggestions. I have a pretty thick skin, so...
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Registered: 07-18-2004
In reply to: alice700
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:31pm

Wow. I think emotional affairs (which is what mine mostly was) are more painful than in-the-sack affairs. But be proud of yourself that you didn't go there. I realize it's just a technicality -- you DID have an affair -- but you didn't sleep with him.

There's nothing wrong with you, and no one here is going to beat you up. We've all 'been there, done that' -- and a lot of us are still trying to make "NC" work (and that's hard). I had an affair with a single man when I was married the first time, and I am now single (LONG single) and just ended a three-year affair with a MM. So I've 'been there' on both sides. I stayed in my first marriage for the children (THAT was the REAL mistake) and for financial security -- I was scared to raise three kids on my own. When I left my husband, I dumped my lover. It had been going on for nine years. I was delirious with freedom. Also, XOM was going to the seminary (ain't that a hoot), and I didn't want to be the preacher's wife. I have no regrets. I was sorry I hadn't left my XH sooner. I saw my XMM 12-15 years later (can't even remember), and I was SO glad I hadn't married him. (And I really do love men to death.) You need to realize that the main reason you had an affair is that you have issues with your husband and your marriage. What is going on?? Get into therapy.

You are ADDICTED to how you FEEL when you are with/talking with XOM. It is not just a word. Physical/emotional addiction to another person is a reality. Chemicals/hormones get activated in women so that we bond with a man. It will get better as time goes by. You're really mourning the loss of this man. And it's a real grieving, as though he had died.

I know all of this sounds so 'nothing' when you're pining away for XOM, but you have to realize that affairs have NOTHING to do with reality (which is what makes them SO GREAT) and that if you married this guy, you'd be bored with him, too, sooner or later. Because human beings and life is just like that. REAL relationships take WORK. They don't make us feel 'gooey' inside MOST OF THE TIME -- if ever -- once the rose-colored glasses come off. If you think that, after the first year, he would light up every time he saw you -- you're dreaming. Of course, you would know -- because you wouldn't be able to see his face glued to the newspaper or TV or both at the same time!

Come on, Alice. A dose of reality here. And if you've read my other posts -- it took me two years to say goodbye to my XMM, so I'm not throwing stones at you. Just hoping you don't go through the same thing.

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Registered: 05-31-2003
In reply to: alice700
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:47pm
Thanks Bella,
You're right about the addiction to the feelings, the highs, all that. Of course I'm going to tell you there was more to the relationship than just that. After all, I'd know the guy for over 20 years, etc. etc. I really do think we would have made a better marriage than the one I'm currently in. But I have to face the fact that no one is presenting me with those two options. I never was presented with those two options, and never will be.
I know I have to work on my current marriage to a guy I respect, have a lot in common with etc. and two kids, but emotionally we are so very different. I'm more effusive, impulsive, spontaneous, put my foot in my mouth a lot, while he is more reserved, careful, is good at socializing, but actually has very very few friends. He simply has a really hard time letting people in, including me. AFter years of marriage and mutual hurt, etc. sometimes I just get sick of trying to get him to let me in, to pay attention to me. It's been easier just to live our separate lives emotionally, even though we are intertwined deeply with the kids. He's a terrific father. We've been unsuccessful with marriage counseling. I don't think I want a divorce, though I guess that's one of the things I'll be considering.
I've been in and out of therapy since the age of 16, and I am about to start up again with a terrific therapist.
Thanks for all your thoughts. I really appreciate the feedback. You've clearly been there, done that, and gained a lot of wisdom in the process.
Alice