Found Out Today I Was "The Office Joke"
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Found Out Today I Was "The Office Joke"
| Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:28pm |
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.
| Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:28pm |
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.
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Dear Aloha,
((HUGS)) Please remember, my post is coming from a place of concern only. I am not passing judgment on you as a person, just your actions. I have been where you are.
I am so sorry that you are in pain right now. From reading your response to my post, I feel awful for you that you felt your actions were justified & empowering. Now this is just my read/perspective, but here is how I see it:
1) I went into my XAP's office yesterday and called him on the carpet about me finding out that our co-worker was also in on this game. I told him he makes me sick!
You were instructed NOT to break LC, and this is exactly what you did. You let him know that his behaviour impacted you. Remember, some people thrive on any attention - so just like a child his ego will be filled up from the negative attention just as much as the positive attention. It is about NOT giving them ANY attention at all. That's the whole, fake it until you make it thing!
2) He texted me that he thought I was "smarter than that". I WENT BACK INTO HIS OFFICE ...
Engaging again in the drama - trying to be right. Trying to prove that you are smarter than him. You lowered yourself.
3) threw a printout of the website address on his desk. (I saved the texts to protect myself as the assistant before me filed a sexual harrassment suit against him, which she later dropped. My employer took his side b/c he was supposedly devastated). It was a read-between-the-lines kind of thing -- "I could show your Fiancee all the text messages..." (And believe me, there is such a big part of me that wants to.)
What the what?! You were involved in an affair with someone you KNEW had had a previous charge against them for sexual harrassment?
Now you are using your A to threaten him? Not good Aloha.
3) Well, he absolutely hates me now, neither of us has made eye contact for a day and a half and we don't talk unless I have to transfer a call to him. Guess, this will make LC a piece of cake.
NOTHING MAKES LC A PIECE OF CAKE! You think because he 'hates' you that it is going to be easy for you? I am so worried for you that this is going to all back-fire. Men who use power don't succumb so easily. The only hope you've got is getting yourself into therapy and maybe even applying for a new job.
Acting out at work is NOT LC. You can send him a million messages through body language. It is about acting as though he doesn't matter.
4) I didn't cheat on anyone, I didn't propose to anyone a week after I f***** someone else and I didn't invite a friend to be in on the game so I could have a good laugh and share stories at the end of the day. Yet, I am now the bad person, the Bitch, the Psycho (or whatever else he is thinking!).
You became a cheater. You cheated his Fiance. You colluded with a cheater to hide the A. Just like people who are charged with aiding someone who committed a crime... you may not have been the one who committed the offense, but you made it possible (too) for the offense to occur and be hidden. You are not the bad person, but you are not a victim either.
5) But, his actions, or lack thereof, speaks volumes. He never cared about me. If he did, he would be able to empathize with me. He could understand how my finding out about the involvement of our co-worker in our A and learning that he encouraged our co-worker to try to f*** me, too would be beyond hurtful. He would see how cruel it really all was and not be surprised at my reaction.
There are NO RULES IN AN AFFAIR! How can you expect someone who is cheating and lying and manipulating his CHOSEN life partner to treat you with kindness and concern? If he was a kind, insightful and empathetic person he wouldn't be rolling around in the hay with you! You can't expect it both ways; you can't expect him to treat her with total and utter disrespect and then turn around and treat you humanly. Well you can expect that, but that's part of the fantasy and is delusional.
6) He wouldn't walk around hating me, but would try to smoothe things over especially knowing I have all this "evidence".
You are trying to manipulate him into treating you in a particular way. Can you see that in what you have written? And remember, one of the reasons we are all here is because we can
t/couldn't trust our own judgment early in ending - until the fog clears we ask you to post all thoughts BEFORE you act so that you can get feedback and input. You posted your thoughts and we responded TO NOT ENGAGE HIM. If you decide to go with your own best thinking at this time against the advice of the vets, well that's very unwise. You see, they are out of the fog and can see the bigger picture. They have heard it all before. They assist us to behave in ways that are healthy. When we are certain we need to do X, they are right there to say 'ah NO, you need to do Y'. As counter-intuitive as it may feel, trust the wisdom of the board.
***
That's just my perspective on what you have shared here. The good news is you've told him what you felt you needed to, and I HOPE that this brings you some sense of peace. I hope that you get into therapy now to figure out what this affair was all about. Ending is the first step on a very long, but totally worthwhile, road to recovery.
I am thinking of you Aloha and hope you are okay. Please stay connected.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU,
All I can say is thank you for your last post.
"Do I just resume LC and hold my head high and appear happy and unphased by my recent actions? "
Exactly (-: Now you don't need to go around giggling and like you just won a million dollars. Act professional and nothing but. You can SOOOOO do this. I believe in you.
So, you're on yor way Aloha. I am so relieved that you found the post helpful and received it with the care I intended. Your post shows some accountability and insight into your motivations. That's hard work to do in such a short period of time. You should be so proud of yourself IN THIS MOMENT. The past is in the past. Should, woulda, coulda ... but NOW you can, and you will.
The hard part is resistance, letting go of the A and trusting those who truly care ... well - that's where/when your path to healing begins.
Tomorrow - Day 2.
Sleep well knowing it is all behind you. Now you rebuild and that's equally as scary as it is thrilling!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU,
Have I told you how amazing your posts have been lately?
Aloha,
I can imagine how frustrated and upset you were. TU has given you some great advice. It is never wise to become a threat to someone and/or become their enemy purposely in the workplace. Lesson learned. I too hope it does not backfire especially when he has a coconspirator (his friend) that seems to go along with his plots. I pray he is leaving.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Just a note: please realize my thoughts are just from MY experience. I have a different view than most here.
AG,
You are not a "joke". I get why you lashed out at him and put all the cards on the table. I would've done the same (please don't judge me and preach about LC). I had to lash out and say everything I needed before I came to terms with NC. Some of us need that closure, to put it all out and say what needs to be said... especially because you AG are at the anger stage. Now that you've said what you've needed LC is the only way to go. I believe "you reap what you sow". His actions were manipulative and mean spirited.
As far as the fiance goes, I would send the info she needs anon. Again I have a different view. I look at it from "if I were the fiance would I want to know?" She should be given the chance to dump his a$$ before she gets frther involved with him (marriage or getting pregnant). JMO
Belle
I am so glad I found this Board and have all of you offering so much care and support!
Aloha -
It sounds like you've had an enlightening. When we sign up for an A, we don't quite know what we are going to get. You didn't deserve the intentional cruelty and what your slimeball did saddens me.
<<>>
I hope your XAP leaves too, but for now, get back to strict, professional LC. Focus on yourself and your life. It is not your place to say anything to his fiance, even anonymously. She probably wouldn't believe it anyway. Let them live their lives - what will be will be. Start creating a life for yourself.
Bodhi
I don't plan on posting day-by-day updates, but today was pretty awful.
Hello Aloha,
This was the feared outcome we all had for you, because nothing you do and don't do will shift him into being the mindful, kind and compassionate man you so wish he could be.
His actions in no way dictate what you do from now on. How he acts, what he chooses to say and who he talks to is NONE of your business. It never was - but especially not now.
You need to re-focus your attention on only YOUR actions. I know this is brutally hard - but Aloha, ignoring him and going about your own healing is what taking back your power is really about.
Can you see that today? Can you see how you hoped that having that 'last' word would bring you dignity, respect & closure. It didn't work because you are looking to him, to his actions for validation, closure and empowerment.
Those will come from inside YOU. Healing will come when you stop being dependent on him to finally 'get it' and make changes for the better.
This is on you Aloha, from here on in. NOTHING he does matters. It just doesn't.
We are here for you.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"And the two of them were loudly referring to a "bun in the oven", so Fiance may be pregnant!!
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