Four weeks NC - feeling confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Four weeks NC - feeling confused
4
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:57am

Four weeks ago I ended it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 1:04pm

you say that you had the perfect marriage and you still strayed--hmm doesnt sound like things were completely perfect, now were they?

I find it awfully bold of your H to say that by going to counseling is suggesting that you dont trust him. I dont think what he is saying and how he is making you feel healthy AT ALL. If you feel the need to seek counseling then by all means who is anyone to stop you from getting your thoughts and feelings organized. I would assume this is what your H wants in the long run-for you to be happy with him.But hes closing the door before youve even had a chance to consider all of the healing options. It seems like hes pushing for the opposite-doesnt want you to talk to anyone else about this A aside from him;not healthy and FYI most abusers dont want their spouses talking to anyone else.(classic sign) Have you suggested going together? Have you thought about not discussing XAP with your H or at the very least very minimal amounts. Hes healing too, and probably trying to control your emotions so that he feels confident and secure in this M.

It is obvious that your H doesnt have the respect or understanding for the healing/grieving process. You cant just 'get over' something in a certain matter of time. It just doesnt work like that(how much easier would it be though if we could all put a time line on our healing process). The ultimatum's has to stop, youre doing excelty what he is asking of you- talking about your thoughts and feelings and it does appear that he cant handle them or he wouldnt be giving the ultimatum's. It does sound like your H wants to get things back on track but hes going about it all the wrong way.

What concerns me about XAP is that you still want to talk to him. To say what? You said , his look on his face says it all...so LEAVE IT ALONE. Youre 4 weeks out...would you believe me if I told you that usually around 6 weeks of NC things start to feel abit better. Thats 2 weeks away from where you are now. Keep focusing on you, not XAP or your H. Go back over the healing library, re read ,maybe print some stuff of for your H to read as well.

DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 1:59pm

Your situation sounds soooo close to home with me! There wasnt much wrong with my marriage. I started a new job and for 9 months before I actually started talking to AP, my

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 2:35pm

Men are so different emotionally than we are. They can have a sexual relationship and not be half as invested as we women. We get mad at them because we give them our souls and we expect them to give us their hearts because they have ours. Your xmm has thrown himself back into his M and he is so consumed with his W right now that he is consumed with saving his M. Your H is in more pain than you can possibly imagine right now. You are blessed to have him stick around knowing that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 2:57pm

Hi Ajayceegirl,


First know that you are not alone in what you are feeling and going through after D-day.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.