Four weeks of NC. Need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Four weeks of NC. Need advice.
17
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 1:47pm
Hi everyone:

XMM has called numerous times. So far I’ve kept my resolve to end it but don’t know how much longer I can avoid him. This morning he called my cell phone twice. Luckily it was in the car. At noon he called the house where he knew I was home for lunch and left a b/s business-related message on the recorder for my H. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was and is put out by my lack of response.

Anyhow, I feel fairly certain he wants to know what the hell is going on. Who wouldn’t? I’m scared to talk to him for two reasons: 1) I’m afraid I’ll break down and get sucked back in. I’ve rehearsed my speech in my head over and over, but once I hear his voice, I fear all my hard work will go for naught; or 2) I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of having the last word. This is selfish, but he’s just as prideful, if not more so, than me, and it’s killing him not to be the one in control. He wants to talk to me just so he can be mean and make me feel bad. Which truth be told, I do feel bad yet vindicated at the same time.

I know in my heart that the only reason I got involved with him is because I am a narcissist and he didn’t fall at my feet right away. I was bound and determined to MAKE him love me, but after reading these boards I realized it could never really happen. I’m sorry I used him for my own personal gain, but in my opinion, he needs to be taught a lesson as well. He can’t just go around using women and cheating on his wife (who, by the way, is a wonderful person and I’m so sorry I got involved with her H). I will not be making that mistake again for sure.

So anyway, back to my original dilemma. Should I just get it over with and call him or should I keep avoiding him and hope he goes away?

fresh

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:54pm
Okay people. I'm really starting to soften. He called again this afternoon. I'm feeling really badly about not answering. He doesn't have any idea why I'm not answering. I don't want to hurt him. Even though he's a butthead, he is human. If he did this to me it would tear me up. It's just not fair. Tell me what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:05pm
Well, your post is interesting to me. I can't speak from experience, just observation from this board. How many times have you seen posters in absolute agony because their xOP is ignoring them and they just can't figure out why. I mean these folks are in agony.

It is hard to read sometimes.

Yet, you also see tons of other posters who say that 'NC means NC. Period!'

If he has no clue why you are not responding, I think you owe him a conversation. I mean, really. How would you like to be treated here? I know you fear he will talk you into something you don't want to do, but out of common decency, I think that is what you'll have to do. Be strong. Firm. Clear. And fair.

Do unto others.

OneTimer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:07pm
Next time he calls I would just answer, if you dont want him to have the last word then just dont give him the chance, be really unfamiliar with him and if he asks what you have been up to say you have just been insanley busy. When there is a pause in the conversation or you think he is going to ask you out or something just say that "Im really sorry but I was just on my way out to meet (friends name) for coffee." Then hell say well ok, and you say "Take care (his name)" and hang up. Unless he is a complete idiot he will get the message to back off. Hope that helps some:)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:21pm
It would be nice if he would just move on. But...If he’s already calling the house and frequenting the cell phone, it might get worse before he gets the picture. You don’t want him showing up somewhere unannounced, uninvited and you with your H. in tow.

If you can be brisk and business-like on the phone, then maybe you should just get over with. Personally, I would send an e-mail note that clearly delineates the facts of the situation and then block his e-mail so he can’t respond.

But if the phone is your only option, be very frank, don’t reminisce and I think you can get through it.

Good luck!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:05pm


If you have this capability, send him an e-mail; make it short and sweet...just thank him for the phone calls but currently you are caught up with personal problems...would get in touch with him as soon as all clear up (a lie of course). This should keep him at bay...in time, if he is not stupid, he will get the hint. After sending the

e-mail...BLOCK IT.

As for phone, again be strong...just say whatever as written in top paragraph...

Good luck! Keep posting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 10:57pm
Fresh

If your not at the place were you can talk to him with out caveing in then DO NOT CALL HIM.

If e-mail is possible then a short to the point e-mail telling him your done with him and to NEVER CONTACT YOU AGAIN even if he sees you in passing, no explaining yourself or justifying anything.

If you call him do the same no explaining no justifying no discussing or agreeing to a future discussion , and no thanking him for anything except not contacting you again.

Block his mails after you send it and call you phone company or companies and have calls from all of his known numbers blocked ASAP.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 4:42am

You answered your own question.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:58am
Love, I don't how you did it, but you managed to see right through me. God, will this madness ever end?!?!

When I first initiated NC, I admit, deep down inside it was my intention to renegotiate the terms of my affair. I want this guy by the balls and can't stand the fact that I'm last on his list of priorities. I swear he's all I think about 24/7.

However, since NC, the thoughts of him aren't of a painful, agonizing 'why-doesn't-he-love-me-type' nature. And I like it. I am more at peace in my mind, spirit and body. H and I are getting along better, and I'm spending more time with my children.

I'd give just about anything if I could go back to the day before we met. Affairs suck. I didn't know that until I was already involved. I thought I could just have some fun and handle it. I learned some very valuable lessons and wouldn't recommend having an affair to my worst enemy.

Anyhow, I'm going to take your advice. I'm not going to talk to him. I'm not going to talk to him. Wish me luck everyone.

fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:03am
REMEMBER BIG SISTER IS WATCHING YOU ;o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:31am

I wish you luck!


Your issues are different than mine since you are married.

Love

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