Four weeks of NC. Need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Four weeks of NC. Need advice.
17
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 1:47pm
Hi everyone:

XMM has called numerous times. So far I’ve kept my resolve to end it but don’t know how much longer I can avoid him. This morning he called my cell phone twice. Luckily it was in the car. At noon he called the house where he knew I was home for lunch and left a b/s business-related message on the recorder for my H. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was and is put out by my lack of response.

Anyhow, I feel fairly certain he wants to know what the hell is going on. Who wouldn’t? I’m scared to talk to him for two reasons: 1) I’m afraid I’ll break down and get sucked back in. I’ve rehearsed my speech in my head over and over, but once I hear his voice, I fear all my hard work will go for naught; or 2) I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of having the last word. This is selfish, but he’s just as prideful, if not more so, than me, and it’s killing him not to be the one in control. He wants to talk to me just so he can be mean and make me feel bad. Which truth be told, I do feel bad yet vindicated at the same time.

I know in my heart that the only reason I got involved with him is because I am a narcissist and he didn’t fall at my feet right away. I was bound and determined to MAKE him love me, but after reading these boards I realized it could never really happen. I’m sorry I used him for my own personal gain, but in my opinion, he needs to be taught a lesson as well. He can’t just go around using women and cheating on his wife (who, by the way, is a wonderful person and I’m so sorry I got involved with her H). I will not be making that mistake again for sure.

So anyway, back to my original dilemma. Should I just get it over with and call him or should I keep avoiding him and hope he goes away?

fresh

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:46am
fresh -

"I'd give just about anything if I could go back to the day before we met. Affairs suck. I didn't know that until I was already involved. I thought I could just have some fun and handle it. I learned some very valuable lessons and wouldn't recommend having an affair to my worst enemy."

Most of us feel this way - I know I do. It's been over 3 months for me, and it does get better. Just believe that. The hardest part is fighting the addiction, but the only way to get through it is no contact. Otherwise, you will just get caught in a revolving door and I don't think you want to be stuck on a 'hamster wheel'!

I personally only felt it was fair to let XMM know that I didn't want him to contact me. He still tried (it's only human nature) and as hard as it was, I resisted contacting him back in those early days. It was SO HARD, but I did it, and I am at such peace now that I'm thankful I took everyone's advice about NC.

Hang in there and best of luck to you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:04am
Free-eee (in a whiney tone). Will you please call my XMM and tell him to go away? I'm such a fraidy-cat. I HATE any sort of confrontation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:24am
Hi Fresh,

Sorry to see what u are dealing with, I would take his next call and just be honest with him, I know it is not easy to resist the temptation, but if you truly want to end it then you know what needs to be done.

I am surprised he has not gotten the hint already, Did you ever tell him it was over?

I broke NC yesterday after 8 weeks of struggling, This is not easy to do, not by a long shot. And hearing his voice yesterday weakend me like never before. Today I am battling alot of emotions, I hope you can be strong and get thru this period. I truly wish I would not have called him yesterday.

Wishing you the best.....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:53am
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Love, I have not told him I am through with him, thus my whole dilemma. I feel guilty. He needs to be told. I am honestly amazed he has not given up already. I figured after one or two unanswered calls, he would get the hint. He's a serial cheater. Hell, he wrote the book, 'Love em and Leave em'. I have him pegged as being prideful and not about to let any woman control him. Perhaps I have him figured all wrong. That or he's just upset about losing his convenient piece of ass. Yeah, that sounds more like it.


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It's ironic that about the same time I truly decided to end this affair, my H starting making comments about 'me having a boyfriend'. I don't think he knows anything for sure, but he is extremely perceptive and knows me like a book. He says things like, 'it'll come out eventually'. I know he's trying to bait me. Whew! I better quit while I'm ahead, right?


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I can't lose H. I'd die. He's my rock and definitely my better half. We've been together for a very long time. He'd never get over it if he found out.


Love, I admire you for staying strong and sticking to your guns with your OM. I, too, am a sucker for romance. Keep us posted on yours.

fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:06am
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Ladybug, I know where you're coming from. Just seeing XMM's number on the caller I.D. sends me into near cardiac arrest. Geez, so dramatic.

These MM's are like a drug and we are the junkies. Thank Heaven for this support board and all the wonderful people offering their advice and words of wisdom. I've been lurking and reading for several months, and if it weren't for you all, I don't know what I'd do.

fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:20am

"I can't lose H. I'd die. He's my rock and definitely my better half. We've been together for a very long time. He'd never get over it if he found out."

Okay, here's what I'd do in your situation.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:55am
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And you. I printed your last post and will read it over and over. You give great advice, and I intend to follow it. I'll let you know as soon as I speak with XMM.

fresh

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