FREAKING OUT-HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
FREAKING OUT-HELP!
26
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:08pm

Sorry to sound so alarmist, but i am really freaking out right now.
My PCP called to tell me that i have had an abnormal pap test and need to see an obgyn for additional testing. my first thought: my AP gave me HPV, which will turn into warts, which means i'll have to tell my H, which means he'll divorce me, which means i'll be alone and miserable.

i'm trying to fight that downward spiral by reminding myself that many women have abnormal paps that turn out to be nothing, the chances of having HPV are minimal, that it often takes years for healthy cells to turn problematic therefore i may not have gotten it from AP at all, etc. my rational brain is on overload trying to fight my emotional brain. i'm so scared to tell H that the test even came back weird, bc i know his brain is going to go to the place of, "she cheated and got a disease". but then again, keeping this to myself is really hard as well.

my plan right now is that i have an appt with the obgyn next week, and am not going to tell anybody until after the appt. so im stewing, between now and next tuesday. AIERFAUFIOJAWEFLJ!!

ok, thanks for reading. any support or advice is appreciated :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:19pm

Hey E82-


Take a deep breath.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:21pm
do i tell the H?? im so scared!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:23pm
Hi Exist. Abnormal test with the Ob/gyn can be anything. That includes stuff like bacterial vaginosis (sp) which is very treatable. If you are a tampon user, that can cause problems. Could you tell him they are just wanting to run more tests and leave it at that? The only way you would have to mention HPV is if does come back positive. Does H suspect anything now, affair wise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:29pm

Abnormal pap results are a dime a dozen and you should certainly not be freaking out about it. More often than not, the follow up pap is fine!! There are sooo many harmless reasons that to jump straight to a std or such is unwarranted. Be calm. Stay realistic and don't overly stress yourself.

Now, as far as your perception of how H would react if you told him... that is alarming. Can you please explain more about why you feel this way and why H would not be a loving and supportive partner in your time of stress?

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:34pm

Hi all,
thanks for helping me calm down. i know logically everything you say is correct, but emotionally, i'm nervous.

Dee, if this had been 1 year ago, i'd say that H would have been incredibly loving and supportive. but, since he has a suspicion that i cheated on him, i feel that it would be hard for him to be supportive. i think he would try, but in the back of his mind, the thought that i contracted an STD would certainly be there. i'm not sure how supportive he COULD be as long as that paranoia is there.

i've denied up and down that i was involved in a PA. i told him it was more of an EA, but denied any physical contact. i think for the most part, he believes me, but im afraid this will start the doubt up again.

realistically, it often takes years for abnormal cells to show in a pap, so its most likely if i DO have something, that its from H!! since i've only been involved in the A for 7 months, that seems like a very short time for cells to change. but, the guilt is whats freaking me out. if i hadn't cheated, i'm sure i'd look at this as a perfectly normal annoyance thats not worth freaking out about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:52pm

Hello,

I have had many an abnormal PAP - and this is always very difficult for me as we have a history of (cervical) cancers in our family. You're right - it can take years for it to manifest into something detectable. I also know that physician error collecting a sample can cause problems.

So, please ground yourself back into reality. I personally would share with my H, and allow him to support me through this emotional place. I shared my result of an abnormal pap with my H who knew about the A and still managed to show me nothing but care and concern for my life. Looking back, I can't believe it actually. Talk about Real love. As Dee asked, why would he automatically jump to accusing you of having an A? If it is an STI, he will have to know as well.(As a side note, this is one reason why I believe in disclosure if you aren't using protection - I believe our primary partners have the right to know they might be at 'risk'. Just my two cents).

Please keep us posted and know that no matter what, you are strong enough to overcome.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 3:29pm

Thank you so much TU. As an FYI-i always used protection with my AP, but the guilt makes me paranoid anyway. You are correct that my H has a right to know, I guess i'm hoping it turns out fine and then there won't be anything to share.

then again, god forbid something does happen, he is likely to be a little upset that i had kept it to myself.

right now is a very sensitive time in my marriage. though i never had a D-Day, i was an absentee wife, and my H always had his suspicions. as i said before, even though i think he believes me, i just know that he is himself an anxious, paranoid character, and although he may want to be supportive, he wont be able to stop himself from wondering the worst.

i guess its a quesetion of, "do i deal with him being paranoid" or "do i deal with him being upset that i kept it from him". i remember once my mother had an abormal mammogram, and she never told me about it. when she went for her follow up, they told her everythihng was fine, at which point she told me. i was furious that she had not told me before, because she did not give me the opportunity to support her, and she was just suffering in silence.
the only thing is, if i DO tell H, i'll have to be prepared for the worst on his end as well...

thank goodness i have you guys :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 3:34pm

Ok so here is the low down on the area down low. Dont panic and if it IS HPV, its ok too....


There are hundreds of strains of HPV and only a few of them cause warts, the rest casue cervical cancer. All are spread via sexual contact and men are the carriers (another thing besides being able to pee standing up that they got lucky on). But like you said, it can take years for the cells to show up. The only way your H might not have given it to you is if he was a virgin and only been with you. If thats not the case then you can bet your a$$ that he just might be a carrier just as much as xAP.


Dont underestimate your H and think he would immediately think you had cheated. Your chances are greater for

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 6:00pm

Hello-

I know that can be a scary thing. Try to calm down. I have an abnormal pap almost every other year. The first year it freaked me out, but I only had to undergo a minor procedure and everything was taken care of. I've never had an STD. GMLB is right about HPV- there are many ways to get that besides as an STD. I would relay your stress to your husband and let him be there for you. You don't know how he'd react until you give him the chance. I fell into the dangerous trap of assuming the worst about my H and was proven wrong time and time again. You will get through this.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 6:53pm

thanks girls. i'm just really scared. i feel like since my M is just in such a fragile state, anything can push it in a bad direction. i just feel like i have no right to ask my H to support me, when he thinks about the past year, how many nights a week i didn't answer the phone, came home late, hid my phone, was just generally shady, etc. part of me feels like i deserve this, and that i dont deserve my husband's support.

he's just so on the fence about me right now...i'd like to be able to lean on him, but i dont know if i can handle it if he flips out on me. i feel like maybe i should just be leaning on anybody BUT him instead of taking the risk.

i feel like, in order to save my M, i should be working tirelessly to regain his trust; im basically in relationship probationary period. during that time, one mis step could cost me everything. telling him i could potentially have an STD might be the thing that puts us over the edge.

bottom line--i dont know if we are strong enough right now to handle it.

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