Free for all!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Free for all!!!!
21
Mon, 07-23-2012 - 2:14pm

Awfully quiet around here these past few days. I'd like to think no one is affairing anymore and so in no need of support...wouldn't THAT be nice.

I thought maybe it'd be a good thing for peeps to post in on where they are at.  And AT can be any where.  Are you in a good place?  Are you still struggling...and with what in particular.  Are you still missing JAM/JAW?  Are you still hurting?

Maybe we can help...shed some light on things.  Maybe help with a little reframing here...a little reframing there.  Or maybe, you just need a little reassurance that you not alone and be comforted knowing that it's all a part of the process of accepting, grieving and closing a chapter of your life.

Who wants to spill their guts first?  

I'd go first, but I have nothing to spill.  I'm in a good place :smileyhappy:

group (((((HUG))))))

Clarity 


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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Re: Free for all!!!!
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 8:41am

My ears are ringing!  Did someone mention my name??? 

I am still here.  Listening.  Reading every post.  I usually check in to the site 4-5 times a day. Everyday.  (I know, I have way too much time on my hands)

Where am I?  Helping several golf course owners keep in business everyday and feeding a lot of families who work there.  Adjusting for heat index, I am a cool dude.  That's a lot of adjusting for an old dude who usually is just pounding the ground and killing grass.

Seriously, I am really getting to BE ME.  The old me.  The happy me.  The real me. When I started all of this, I was cruising through life, enjoying myself and not having much in the way of worries.  I fell into this, because I have unsettled issues with my marriage.   Nothing has changed there.  At the time I thought I accepted life as I knew it, and was happy.  I wasn't prepared for the ego stroking that I got, and fell into the trap of the A hole. It's all still very confusing as to why I would involve myself, for a few cheap feel-goods, and so many feel bads, so much more of the time.  Strange???  Does it really matter???

In the last month I have had a couple of internal moments where I thought I wasn't prepared and was sure I would run into her.  I won't bore you with the stories, but obligations made me think I would physically HAVE to see her.  Even my W let me know in her way that I was in dangerous territory. It ended with a week of sleepless nights for me.  It gives you some soul searching of what you want, and where you are heading.  Maybe there are times that we need that.

As most of you know, I am a day counter.  Actually smartphone does it for me.  I think I am ready to delete that app.  It doesn't matter much anymore.  73 weeks, 5 days and 19 hours, No Contact.  The only reason I don't delete the app is that it tells me I can do this.  It's a reminder.  Sometimes we need reminders. 

It scares me when I see posts about people who are fantasizing about their A.  I did that for a long time. That is why it has taken me so long in this journey. 

I know I am direct, short and usually cut right to the chase.  It bothers some, and is appreciated by others.  I am not a person who normally fantasizes these things, and try to keep it real.  That's what worries me the most.  I am never quite sure that I am any different than those who keep holding on to their A.  I worry that if I can't let go, how can I tell someone else to let go?  I guess the answer is, We know the right thing to do. Like Nike says, "Just Do It."

Many times I have wondered if I am addicted to iVilliage and some of the boards.  If it would be better to find some other interests and let this die.  I just keep coming back.  Waiting for a train wreck to come along, and then closing my eyes to it. 

I hate the slow times.  I assume the powers that be, are all on vacation and beating the heat by not maintaining the CL situation here.  One of the things we have to be honest about, this board is not a public service.  It's a money generator from the advertising that pops up on our pages.  When it ceases to do that the board will change.  Is that coming?  Isn't it the job of the CL to advance page hits, advertising revenue, as well as keep some type of order to the discussions?  There is more to this than meets the eye. We have been blessed with good people who have been in that role since I have been here.

So thats where I am at.  I have had my ups and downs.  Mostly ups.  I am really an 'up' type of guy, believe it or not. 

My best wishes to you all, I want you all to be happy.  No matter what it is that would make you that way.  :smileyvery-happy:  I am committed to making my life happy. 

Rather.......

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:39am

Thank you Clarity, for your thread and your reply to me.

Made perfect sense.  And that is exactly the things I have been pondering.

I taught him how to treat me, I accepted his behavior, I overlooked my gut feelings and intuition when I allowed myself to be disrespected.  I played the role of the OW.  The “object” for his ego stroking, sexual satisfaction.  My anger does indeed need to be towards myself for healing to take place and so that I can move on.  And I hope I can get there with the guidance of my T and with the distance and space and time that comes with NC.  But, as I mentioned, being angry at him right now is serving a purpose; it’s keeping me away from him.  But, I know that ultimately that anger must shift to me, in a non-judgmental way and a forgiving way.

I very much appreciate and am holding onto your words about how to forgive myself.  By doing all the things I’m doing:  therapy, on anti-d’s, regular exercise (which I’ve always done and has always been my key to maintaining some sanity!), working my Alanon program, participating in church and bible study again, talking to my H, journaling, reading (and now posting) here, and most importantly, maintaining NC and completely and purposefully avoiding anywhere that I might see him.  Another thing that has been recently helpful is to focus on staying in the moment. 

And I appreciated the conversation Soglad would have with her xap! I did some journaling and some work with my T about that as well and he had me write the following as a letter from XAP to me IF HE WERE TO TELL THE TRUTH:

“Sunrise, I am crazy about you and I don’t want to hurt you and I never want this (fantasy and thing on the side) to end.  I never want you to close the door on us (He actually did tell me that one time.).  I love you (the ego stroking, sex), but I am not going to leave my W because I like my life; it works for me and I would never be able to be alone.  And I don’t want to give up my house, Porsche, golf country club membership, my image at work or in our social circle.  I do what I want to make me look and feel good, regardless of what my actions to do others or regardless of whether it’s right, wrong or noble.  I just know what I want and am always going to go for it.  I live to please myself first.  I’ve always cheated, lied and manipulated to get what I need.  But please don’t take away my fantasy and side fun.  But, if you do, I will move on to something or someone else to fill this hole inside of me.”

Which he appears to be doing.  Got a new, bigger house recently with W and told me that he needed something new to do, had to build a new Sunrise garden (which he built at his other house) and he even told me during our last period of contact that someone else was interested in him.  Say what??? 

Sorry, getting a little carried away on this tangent when I really just wanted to acknowledge and thank you for your reply Clarity!

Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:40am

Soglad, I relate to what you are saying about resuming contact.  I have no intention of resuming contact either.  I know it will put me right back where I was and I hated that.  You know, I was thinking on the way to my early morning workout this morning that what I was the most sick of was something Angie had shared with me one time.  I was sick of the lying.  Not just me lying, especially to my H, my I was so sick of being lied to.  My XAP was the king of lies of omission. 

I achieved NC many times and XAP stalked me and showed up several times in several different venues to chat, or, I realize now, to make sure I didn’t “hate him” or that he still “had an in”.  And, I too, didn’t want to be mean and was always polite and engaged.  He would tell me that he was miserable without me, that he loved me, would always be there, wasn’t going anywhere.  One time he even told me that he had watched Forrest Gump and that I was his “jenny”!!  And it always got me back to square one.  And each time I went back for more, I had a feeling in my gut that I didn’t want to and I would pray for clarity on the situation.  And I always got it.  My last go around with him two months ago ONCE AGAIN showed me who he was and what role I was playing.

I am starting to feel though that if and when he attempts contact again, that it will be just to see “if he can” and to feel the situation out and to get an ego stroke.  I no longer take it as flattering when he contacts me.  One of the last VM’s I received was when he was traveling, over 1,000 miles away from his W.  How is that supposed to make me feel special???  He only contacts me while away from his W?  Hmm..feeling like number 2, if you know what I mean?

But, like Clarity said in her reply to me, I taught him that that behavior was acceptable.  My bad; I must own that.

So thank you Soglad for sharing where you are at with NC and your experience.

I appreciate it.

Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:41am

Mornin' Rather :smileyhappy:

Did you hear?  Soglad says I have an element of you.  I like that, and I guess that would make me Mrs. Blunt :smileyhappy:

You sound good...on solid ground.  Ups and downs...they are all a part of life, right?  It's been a long journey for you back to your real, happy self.

If you are so concerned about being addicted to ivillage, have you ever considered applying for the CL position?  Wouldn't that be something...our first male CL!  And then no more worries about being addicted or not...you'd be here because you HAVE to be :smileyhappy:

Glad to hear you are doing well.

((hugs))

Clarity 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Re: Free for all!!!!
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:31am

You said I could hit you, but that was the other day...does that carry into today?  You are scarying me...and I don't like being scared.  

What I see is the blame game.  It is all his fault that you fell back into the a-hole.  And it will be again should he show up.

And, you are saying that, even today, your resolve will weaken...should he show up...all he has to do is throw you a few lines of b/s (and believe me, it's all b/s), pull a few strings...and you'll be back to dancing like his marionette.  Simply hoping that you won't isn't enough, working hard to make sure it doesn't can make all the difference in the world.   

And I don't think he gets or should get your being polite.   The only people who should get your polite is your husband and children.  As in "I'm married and so I politely decline your invitation to invite harm into my life."

About getting down to the real nitty gritty.  Specifically, what are you doing to insure that you will not fall back into the a-hole just because he shows up.  What are you doing to protect yourself and your loved ones?  You are not that weak romance-type heroine with the back of her hand up against her forehead, sighing, relenting and swooning back into his arms.  You have been enlightened and have new-found knowledge just from participating on this Board.

I don't want you to feel like I am picking on you....hah! but I am :smileyhappy:  I know that by being here, you are already thinking about things and working your resolve, but again it scares me to hear you say you will weaken.  You must work harder yet to insure that that WILL NOT happen.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:12pm

Hi Rather - I've been wondering where you were! I am glad your happiness is coming back and not just on the golf course. Keep on being you!

Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:33pm
So many great stories! We are "at" a lot of interesting places.

I will add my big holey bucketful of guts to the mix! I have been posting lately, three months NC and am sooo happy about that. The hurts are less and the fog is lifting. But - where I am NOT, is what bugs me. I still think about xAP every day, enough that it has to be pulling me off RL. I have run the gamut of worrying about his health so much that I expect to hear that he has died, and then I start planning how I will get to his funeral...or, I think well, maybe I'll see him in two years at our reunion, and then what will I say. I will not break NC, and I know he won't either but these continuing thoughts all just make me feel so FAKE! What kind of colander brain do I have if I can't keep my focus and exclude what I don't want?

The worst is when I go faux-fishing. It's not even that, it's more like worming. I'll hear some song or be reminded of a place we were at or a book we read. Then, like a bowerbird displaying trashy wares, I drape that on the "likes" of my public profile, hoping he'll see it and get the ..what...that I am still a sapsucker? It's silly on all fronts because he never looks at those pages anyway, I would never know if he did, I don't want him to contact me, but still I sometimes give in and do these things, and it's like looking through binocular backwards, still wanting to see the tiny figure because you can't quite let go.

Thanks for the open mike!

Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Re: Free for all!!!!
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:14pm

Oh Hearts, Money woes can tug strings in all parts of our bodies. So sorry that is the case for you right now. You are certainly creative and will find a way to do your part, but DH may need some more God-underwritten advice, so here's a few:

God helps those who help themselves.

Begin to weave and God will give you the thread.

God will provide the food, but he will not cook the dinner.

And my favorite when times are thin:

God will provide...ah, if only he would till he does!

 

 

Much appreciation to you for all of your good works!

XO Daisy

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:23pm

Daisy

You have such a flair!  Congratulations on three months!

I'm sorry you feel bugged about where you are not, and of course you know why...so that I don't have to say the word that rhymes with jabotage.

Looking back is bad enough, but looking back not even through rose-colored glasses, but binoculars no less makes things/people appear even larger than they were :smileywink:

Eyes forward, Miss Daisy.  Supertweenerville will be right around the corner and you can probably almost reach out and touch it with those binoculars looking that way :smileyhappy:

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 6:03pm

good good good.  I wasn't sure if there was a statue of limitations on that 'hit me' :smileyhappy:

Sounds to me like you ARE doing all the right things.  Reinvesting your energy and re-focus on your real life.  And it sounds, too, like you have been thinking about the what if...and are planning out what you will do should he show up.  That's really good!  Having a plan in place is always better than being blindsided and so unprepared.

Treasuring your loves ones...that's awesome. I've seen too many times to count others losing them...well losing them to shared custody anyway.  And then there is always the loss of respect of friends, family, lose of job, standing in the community.  We mustn't let the attention of one man...just one man who walks this vast planet and puts his socks on one foot at a time like everyone else...having us jeopardizing all we hold dear.   

Of course, the hard part is usually the digging into our 'whys'...the real core issues and usually it's most helpful to have a T. I mean, we can support you of course, but we can't delve into your issues like a T can. I can't stress that enough.  

We've all had to come to the realization that we were two people feeding off each others dysfunction.  Doesn't make us bad people...just humans with strengths and weaknesses.  All of us...xaffair partners too. Try not to get stuck on his whys.  His whys are not important to you.  And you aren't the first person who's been lied to for someone elses gain. 

I really like your plan of action...ignoring him, walking to your car and driving away.  In the mean time, work on getting that percentage to 100% assurety (?sp).  Because when we are 100% sure we will follow through with a particular action, we no longer have to think about it...and it can hold us back...that fear...and focus our attention on our healing.

I'm no longer scared. I have my faith in you...that you can do it.

((hugs))

Clarity


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