free at last

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
free at last
15
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 10:03am

I've been thinking a lot about the process of reclaiming my dignity and character and about how badly I crave that feeling of being redeemed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 10:23am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 12:33pm

Holy smokes Dee, what you expressed is exactly what I was striving so hard to get to. I got there. But it is so comforting to see it in words.

I think maybe it is indifference if you want to put a label on it. Or very close to it. Whatever it is, it feels so good and rewarding to be done. To be past the cr*p.

Being able to look at myself in the mirror and not see "that woman" was my goal. I've only been there a short while compared to the length of time I struggled with my part of the affair. I think time, reflection and being honest with ourselves will eventually lead us to a calmer place. I have to insert here, that had I had a D-Day, I know everything would be different. And I thank my lucky stars I avoided that.

It's strange how we spent so much time wallowing in the past, missing the feel goods and now like you said, the only thing I feel is "Ewww" !! How could I ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 3:15pm

((Dee))

<>

You are right. They can't coexist and knowing and accepting this is

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 4:11pm

Girl, you are such an inspiration!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 4:28pm

Dear Dee,

What a great post - and a great point in the process. You are no longer working on the "ending" of the affair, but the continued beginning of your new(er) you & life. You've been an inspiration to me and everyone else here on this board (that is if they are wise enough to get over their own sh&t to hear your message). You've made me laugh out loud and nod my head in agreement. I have felt sadness when you were struggling, and I rejoice with you in your triumphs. I am getting closer and closer to indifference each day, and I am relieved to hear Iddy say that we'll always be reminded of the affair, but reach a point that it just rolls off our minds. You've counted your blessings (like no xAP fishing) and have moved past the "just getting through the day" phase of ending. I wish for all the newbies to take heart when they hear that with work, hard work, you get past the mourning period and into the phase of deep reflection relatively quickly. I like you, couldn't hold onto any of the 'feel goods' of the affair. When I look back, none of the "best memories" are even good memories. When I think about the antics that were pulled off in order to "accomplish" those oh so blissful moments, I feel sick. I feel sick about who was hurt, knowingly or not, who was lied to, deceived, who was stolen from ... and the remorse I feel for his family is everlasting. I feel a deep sense of concern for them, not for him. I worry about how they are doing, how they are feeling, and if they are healing.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 4:57pm
Forgiveness and repentance. I, too, come from a Christian upbringing. There is absolutely no justifying my A and what I have done to betray my H. I will wholeheartedly admit that this A stemmed from a huge inner rebellion within my soul, fueled by anger against H (he is a wonderful, humble man who has never abused me or caused me harm in any way), but his lack of financial goals, planning, and a lack of excitement in the bedroom pushed me into being a vulnerable target for xAP. XAP appeared to be "just a lonely guy, in need of a good friend". Well, that's a "Christian" thing to do, right? Be a good friend. I could do that. Be a friend. And more...more than I ever bargained for. But I kept making stupid excuses for staying with him. Pushing off the guilt that choked me to the very core...after having slept with xAP at his apt while my entire family was out of town...waking up with xAP knowing that my H was going to call me any minute and say "good morning, honey. I miss you." oh, Lord. Sometimes I would actually say to myself "WHO is this woman? What have I become? And now...I am free. Yes, it feels good to say that. And Amber, if you are reading this, though I cannot say I understand everything about your situation with your H wanting you to go to confession with him sitting with you, I can say that I personally struggle with going to confession. I am not Catholic, but Eastern Orthodox. And we view confession as a Sacrament. I feel badly that I haven't gone yet, but here is the thing - my husband is the PRIEST. Yep. So, truly I have not been the "good" priest's wife. A very flawed one who is struggling to get better. And by God's grace, I will come around and receive that complete forgiveness. I also do not hate xAP. Not at all. Thanks for listening, everyone. Hearts<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 9:22pm

Wow, the other side of Dee --- serious ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 9:41pm

Thanks for sharing a very heartfelt, powerful post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 10:10pm

Thanks everyone for the kudos, but I really think this is group success.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 5:11pm

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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