Free, Mo, Posie I need your help BAD

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Registered: 05-30-2003
Free, Mo, Posie I need your help BAD
9
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:06am


Well H and I went on our trip and got back Sunday night. It wasn't a pleasant trip, no matter what I tried H turned away from me. We did have some fun times but there was always a distance I felt between us. Emotionally and physically he has distanced himself from me. I know he is hurting and I don't blame him but I really have been trying and I thought that being alone just the two of us in a different setting would help. How wrong I was.

Last night he told me he can't do it anymore, that it is over. He said that he still loves me but that he isn't in love with me anymore. He told me that my A and him finding out only brought things to the surface. Then he said he was going for a ride and would be back later. I cried and cried and didn't know what to do so I called him and asked him to come home so that we could talk, he told me he couldn't he needed time. About 10 min later he called and said that he was at the bar watching the game and would be home after. So when he did get home, he asked if I was ok, I told him NO. I couldn't stop crying, I don't know what to do. I told him that I love him and I don't want to lose him or our family. I was up all night just crying and thinking, I couldn't sleep and I don't think I was really thinking clearly.

I asked him if he would try counseling and he asked why? He said that he doesn't think it would help and that he can't get those feelings back. I am telling you this hurts more than anything, my A and giving up OM is nothing compared to how I feel now. If I could take everything back I would. I told H that I had a counseling appt tonight and if I talked to her and asked her if he could come to the next appt would he, he did say he would. Do I take it that he would still be open to trying or is he just going to prove to me he is right it is over? I told him that I think we can make it work but it will take a lot of effort on both of our parts. I told him that I will do anything to make this work that I don't want to live the rest of my life without him.

H said that for now things have to be this way, and that we have to figure things out. Nothing will happen before the holidays for the kids sakes, he is very worried about DD. Maybe that is a good thing because if he will go and continue to go to counseling we will be able to work thru things and figure things out, I just don't know. I just feel so isolated and alone, I have no one to turn to, to talk to except this board. Please help me get thru this.

I'm not really thinking straight so if this doesn't make much sense I am sorry.

DAF

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anonymous user
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:36am
Hiya Daf,

I'm popping in & out & just saw your post, hon.

Remember that DH is going through a huge amount of emotional trauma. There may well be moments when he says it's over when the next he'll be saying something else altogether. This is completely & utterly normal, honey.

It's a bereavement. The relationship he believed you had has died. The assumptions about what course his life was taking have been pulled out from underneathe him like a rug and he's reeling, trying to recapture some sense of balance.

It's totally normal for the BS to want to end it and then be clinging to you the next moment. He hopes there is something left, but when he thought everything was ok or at least tolerable before, he knows that it wasn't. He doesn't know how to trust his own feelings right now.

This really is the tragedy, Daf. And seeing what effect our actions have had in an up close & personal situation is not an easy thing to do. Remember that while what you feel is certainly important, the focus isn't about you right now - it's about him (his shock, denial, grief, anger & eventual acceptance) and you both (as a couple).

Suggesting he attends some counselling with you is a very good idea. You'll both have a neutral & safe place where you can discuss some things that are tough to talk about without a guide to mediate and point you towards more positive perspectives.

Reading through this lengthy article might help you both. http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980701-000026.html

You aren't alone, honey, we're here.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:23pm
Thanks Posie,

I just finished reading that article and I printed it to take home to H tonight, hopefully he will read it. I called him a few times today and he just called me back, seems he has been doing yard work to get ready for winter. There is so much more I want to tell him and it is just like he has given up. But you know I haven't given up and maybe with my strength, he will decide that we can make it work. I mean if he didn't even have a little glimmer of trying then he wouldn't have agreed to counseling, right?

Do you think that once he goes to counseling and we start talking in that neutral and safe place that he will see that all is not lost? When he told me that he has been thinking about everything and processing everything these last 6 wks, I asked him why he didn't talk to me, why didn't you share with me what you were thinking, he didn't answer. Then he said that I acted like nothing happened, that I tried a little but not like he thought I should have. I asked him why he didn't tell me what he expected and wanted, I have asked him this repeatedly, instead of pushing me away, again he didn't answer. Maybe all of these things he will be able to answer in counseling.

Right now it is scary and I don't even know where my head is. Thanks for your thoughts and strength I may need a whole bunch more before too long.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:43pm

Hi,

We haven't talked before so I hope it is ok I write to you. I agree that he is extremely hurt right now and he is going to go back and forth on this and you have to understand why and not get upset at him for it, not saying you would, but its true...his whole world was shattered. he probably feels he is suppossed to leave but then the other part him doesnt because I am sure he still loves you. I would have patience with him and let him work at his own pace. You don't want to "tell" him what to do because then he may feel you are belitteling (sp?) his feelings. The reason why i am writing is not only to tell you that but same thing happened to me. here I was having this A like I wouldn't care if my H left, hoping he would at times but then we he did, we are together now, but when he did...it was like BOOM, all of sudden it hit me. I knew it could happen but never thought it would so when it did I realized that I could not live without him and I looed at my OM as...he no way compared to the type of love my H gave me. Maybe, this is a good thing even though it does not feel like it. It can be good because now you KNOW what he means to you and how severe this issue is and can be. Now you can put all of you into making ti work and he will see that. he will see that you do care and you are committed. It took my H awhile to see that, it took him awhile to just be ok with it so we could see if we could make it work so just have patience. I really believe things work it if that is what is meant to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:33pm

Oh Daf, honey, big ((((((((hugs))))))) to you. My own personal opinion is that your H is venting his pain. The fact that he actually feels pain, I would take that as a positive sign. If your marriage were really over, if he really didn't have any feelings for you, obviously this wouldn't hurt so much, right? He'd be able to just walk out, wouldn't care how you feel and certainly wouldn't waste his time going to a counselor with you.

The A may have brought some issues in your marriage to the surface and now is a good time to "clean house." That's what me and my H did. We separated, convinced we'd never reconcile, went our own ways, got individual counseling, and accidentally wound up back together and, I dare say, happier than ever. I think facing the issues in a marriage is very difficult. We'd all like things to be wonderful 100% of the time, but that's not realistic. Your A is going to force you and your H to commit to working on your marriage, or giving it up. It turned out that for my H and I, giving up on our marriage was much more difficult than committing to work on it. That's just our experience.

I think that you have definite reason to be hopeful at this point. Your H is probably hurting, confused, undecided, scared about the future, feeling like a failure, not to mention emotionally drained and not thinking clearly. Those are all perfectly normal reactions to what's going on. I don't think any of us, least of all MEN, process events once, as they're happening, decide how we feel about them, and move on. His initial reaction to learning about your A may have changed as he's had some time to mull it over. His initial reaction may be moving into one of the other stages of grieving. I doubt there's anything you can, or should, do to change this. He needs to move thru the process and work out his feelings. Eventually, he'll come out on the other side, and hopefully your marriage will be that much better for it.

I hope something I've said here helps ease your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and please keep on posting. Love and hugs, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:37pm

Oh Daf, I can tell you are in so much pain. This is when my heart breaks for people in the after-math of an affair. It sounds as if you love your husband so much. Keep the faith in the love you feel for each other. Counseling can do wonders, and have made many marriages stronger after having gone through this. I wish you lots of luck and healing!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:22pm
Daf

Hon You have to remember that 6 weeks is nothing in this whole thing, what you husband is doing and saying is Normal so don't put the worst light on it, he is going to go back and forth, the truth as someone said is if he did not love you deeply you could not have hurt him.

It is no were near being over, get your husband to counceling with you the IC can help your husband to understand his feelings and to express them, like most men he buries them because he does not know how to handle them.

Daf don't give up, your marriage is not over.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 10:51am

Danielle,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me I really do appreciate it. Some of the things in your post are what the counselor said last night. She thinks he has just buried all of his feelings and hasn't even begun to deal with them. You are right I don't want to tell him what to do but I really believe that we need counseling, I have to believe that we can work thru the issues and be stronger for it. I have told him it is like he has given up everything and that the fight isn't there. I hope that he will decide to go with me next Tuesday but he is very wishy washy again on the subject.

DO you mind telling me more about your situtation maybe there is something I can do differently then what I am doing, you can email me if that would be better. Thank you again.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:01am

MO, you hit the nail on the head, H told me last night that over these past 6 weeks he has been working thru and processing everything that has happened and that is when he decided that he can't do it anymore. But now hopefully he will agree to counseling and he/we can figure things out. I hang on to the hope that I get from everyone here and my counselor that we can be stronger if we can work on things.

Free, Thanks for the encouragement. It is typical of H to bury his feelings and I told him that last night the he hasn't talked to me, he admitted he didn't know how. Maybe just that will get him to understand that counseling should be given a shot.

Thank you to all of you for your support I am sure I am going to need it for a long time to come.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:28am
I would be happy to email you. I actually have to step out for awhile so I will try later today to send you an email or if not today then for sure tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you here so you didn't think I was avoiding you.