free,wip, others,do or don't .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
free,wip, others,do or don't .....
6
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:50am
hi everyone,
i am in this worst dilema, what do i do?
i don't no if you have followed my story, but i have been seing a mm for over a year, and in this time, he has been seperated from his wife three times, and everytime she is gone, we are good, he calls everydat, i see him alot, the sex is great!!! but everytime she comes back into the picture, he totally ignores me like i don't exsist, one time he didn't call me for two weeks, one time three weeks, and this last time before he went back with her, he was saying he wanted some time off, to see what he was going back for, he says he loves his kids, and that is the only reason he stays. so i said then lets just break it off for ggod, and he didn't want to , because that left it open for me two find someone eles. then he called me and things started back up agian, and then he said he was going back with his wife, but still wanted to see me when he could, i said, you need to let me know now because, its not fare to me, i need to move on etc. so after he goes back with his wife two days later he calls me early sat. morning at 2:00 am, and says its my birthday, what are you doing i said i was alseep, then i said if you want to come over you can, so he did, but it only stayed for 15 mins then left, said he would call me the next day, but didn't i have not heard from him since, you now how that made me feel cheap!!! so this is my dilema, the days are going bye, and i am in so much pain, wondering is he going to call, if he does am i going to be sucked back in, if he does call and i don't answer will he leave me a vm saying i decided to work things out with my wife and ends it, i don't no if ican handle that. then i decided maybe i should just change my cell phone number, then if he trys to concact me, he would no then that i ended it, but i went yesterday to do it, sat their for 30mins. and could not bring myself to do it. i will alwyas be wondering if he did try to call. i really miss him and enjoyed the sex, he made me feel wanted. he says he loves me so much, but if you love someone, why would you not call them, hehas a cell phone he could earse the number. so what do i do? do i change my number, or do i stick it out, to see if he calls, but then i could get hurt all over again what? thanks for listeining and the advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 12:36pm

Candy:

Same song, third verse sweetie. Nothing has changed. What has to happen for you to see that this ...is...not...a...relationship....let alone ...a ...healthy one? Does he have to come out and say "yeah well ...actually....i just say i love you because I want to use you for sex and if i dont, you won't let me eff you". Not all affairs are sexual but this guy is clearly using you for sex. I want you to remember, no matter how painful it is, how you felt after he left after 15 minutes. HOw you don't have any conversations or connections with him outside of sex for the most part etc. Actually these kind of relationships (if you can call it that) are easier to get over than if you have a history of mutual caring or long previous contact before it got physical. FEEL LUCKY for that in a sense...because you will be able to shake him easier.

YOU are the one who has allowed yourself to emotionally attach to someone....who is a scumbag. YOU need to see what is wrong with YOU rather than what is wrong with HIM. You need to realize that HE doesn't think of relationships the way you do nor does HE want anything "special" from this. Its not a crime that YOU are a romantic, emotional person who wants more out of this. Your crime is not seeing that HE DOESN'T, so that you'll STOP this. YOU need to see you are responsible for making more out of this than it is because you have the evidence of his actions and habits now. Many of us go into these things and think "omg...look at what he has done to me". Well its one of those cases of "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". You have seen enough, experienced enough...dang well been told enough nearly....to the point of him not just coming out directly and being cruel about it. That is the only thing you have avoided. QUIT WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD and start realizing that unfortunately ...there are many sides to how people think and not everyone conducts themselves as you do as far as caring for other people and things being meaningful. It sucks, the truth...and good people really shouldn't be taught these things by selfish assh*les...but it happpens. Bad things happen to good people. You are good people...he is not a good person.

What you are experiencing is the first stage of grief. We all get addicted to the pattern and habits of getting those phone calls. WE all have struggled with the "not knowing if they miss us or remember us".

You have to go through the process of no contact to understand how it helps to get through this crappy time. You are not wierd for missing his calls or hearing his voice or seeing him.....we get addicted to the attention like any human being would. Its normal...but not easy. Life goes back to before you met them. Please realize however, there was life before them and there is life after them. It may be lonlier for the moment, not as exciting and definately sadder sometimes...but it doesn't last forever.

I PROMISE YOU...time...is the ONLY thing that will get you through this. You will cry, you will miss what you "thought" you had...and eventually as the chemicals leave your body (and yes I mean reaaaaal chemicals) leave your body...you will start to see things clearer.

In the meantime...you need to read your posts over and over as If someone else is writing them. You will see the same thing written over and over ...but please also see the what others have written to you and their own posts.

If you don't start recognizing that what you have is not a healthy relationship, nothing will change. You will only delay the "getting better" part...eventually you will not be in this relationship....do you want to be happier 4 months from now or 4 years from now.
Its your choice now. Post often and more importantly READ OFTEN. You don't seem to garnish much advice or insight, if you do...its not showing any progress.
What you re putting yourself through expecting him to be some storybook romance guy.... should be alarming you more than me...and I am just not seeing that yet.

As far as your cell phone goes....you will change or not take the call...when you feel right. Some bandaids are harder to rip then others. If you can't change the phone now...at least...in the very least...let it go to VM. A consequence or non-action will happen some day that will make it easier step by step to see clearer or have no interest out of disgust and wisdom but if you keep picking a scab it never heals and the scar is uglier if it is picked longer and longer. Do whatever you have to do right now...but do SOMETHING DIFFERENT than you did before...whether that is force yourself to never contact him and not speak directly to you ever again. I guarantee ...if you ignore this type of guy that you are involved with...he will go away..he will find himself another booty call...and eventually you will not want someone like him because he made you feel crappy, used etc and then eventually you will not care because YOU WILL HOPEFULLY LEARN SOMETHING AND PERHAPS AFTER THAT...BE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, CARES ABOUT YOU, IS NICE TO YOU, THINKS ABOUT YOU OUTSIDE OF THE SACK, DOES NICE THINGS FOR YOU...you better go work on yourself Candy so that you are ready for a good guy like that...you have work to do girl.now git!

CLARITY, strength and wisdom to you Candy, please...help yourself.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:28pm

Candy,

Hugs to you and much streaghth to get past this. You deserve much more than a 2am booty call. I'm sorry for being so blunt but why let this person destroy your trust in relationships because one person wants his cake and eat it too? I was once a cake eater and devoured it for a long time. Take your self and find some one who is going to be there for you and WANTS to be there. Don't settle for scraps your far more important than that. You will grieve like a death but as we all know life does go on. Each day that you have with NC will be far more better than each day of misery wanting something that is obviously not going to happen. Stop all contact and stay away from this man who wants to be able to have the best of both worlds and not pay any consequence for it. Keep saying this to your self, I DESERVE BETTER, I DESERVE BETTER, and you will get there, I quit cold turkey and it is now one year no contact. I don't regret it a bit.
Take care and know your worth so much more and so is your heart....
Healed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:53pm

Candy,

I can't add much more than the other two posts. I FEEL where you are coming from because I am still struggling myself.

It is so very hard to understand why someone else could use us for sex and not feel the same feelings. However the sooner you realize that IS what it is happening at the ACTION level - the sooner you will stop allowing it. Don't listen to all the glossy words - watch only ACTIONS. The tongues in his shoes will tell the true story (sorry, an old quote from my mom).

I'll never forget my first post on here. A dear friend wrote to me "You must tell him to stop using your body for his enjoyment!" My situation is complicated since we have to work together but some of it is the same - and this advice applies.

You have to get out from under "trying to make it work" and realize the more you keep doing this the more he will not respect you. If you can't stop for any other reason - stop because the only way to give it ANY hope is to stop giving it away (you'll find that once you stop you will see he doesn't deserve "hope").

He is sitting on the FENCE. Why should he stop when he can go back and forth as he wishes? Make him get off the fence by refusing to allow it. Get mad! He is taking from you and disrespecting you. Stop allowing it.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:15pm

Change the number and make it unlisted.

If he does get it and wants to meet CHARGE HIM $50, he is treating you like a hooker so you may as well make some money from him.

SORRY BUT FOR HIM LOVE DOES NOT ENTER IN TO IT....He treats you like a penis holster way are you putting up with it ??

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 8:57am
Candy,
I know how much you must be hurting right now. You have got to open your eyes and see this guy for what he is. You have to realize what his view of your relationship is. If it is ok for you to be his fwb then keep taking his phone calls. But if you want more than to be called when he is horny then stop the madness....I am sorry that I am being so blunt but I hate to see people hurting others. It doesn't matter what he says to you, his actions are showing you that he is only interested in your body and what it can do for him. Does he only tell you he loves you when he is wanting to sleep with you or even while you are having sex? When he came over to your house on your birthday did he bring you a present or flowers or anything? When you love someone you think of thoughtful things like buying or doing something special when it is their birthday. I love sunflowers, and I told this to mm once in a conversation probably 9 months before my birthday. I am not a big roses fan. On my birthday my h sent me the biggest bouquet of roses (which I have told my h before that I prefer wildflowers), my mm sent me a boquet of wildflowers with huge sunflowers. Remembering the little things is how people show that they care and love you....Please turn off your red light, you are no longer a part of the red light district. I know that some a are only about sex and if that is fine with you then you are ok. However, if you want something more, you are not going to get it from him. There were times that my mm and I would meet and not have sex. We would just cuddle and talk and enjoy being together. We saw it as a real milestone when we both felt comfortable in our relationship to not HAVE to have sex everytime we met. To just be with each other and be in each other's arms was enough sometimes (no, not often but occassionally, lol!). The sooner you block his calls and stop taking his calls the sooner he will not be able to hurt you anymore. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:23am

candy,

this person is a user, he uses u, im sorry to be harsh but he just wants sex

pls let go, change ur email, cell phone etc, move if u must ...

take care and be strong, u are strong and u know it,

now go and eat some ice cream,

max