friend sent letter to x's new GF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
friend sent letter to x's new GF
11
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:29pm
I have not posted recently but need some help/advice. Short story--My best friend and I (of over 20 years) had a LD affair ( for 4 years)- we were first loves and remained close friends over the years-- well anyway---he got divorced- finalized in May. I separated from husband in the end of May but did not tell him I was doing this. He meanwhile decided he was no longer in love with me-- after 20+ years and had started dating someone. I told him I had just gotten separated. He wanted to move on and felt like we would just not work out in the end...the last 2 months have been awful. I flew down there 2 weeks ago and we had it out in a sense. He said he was still in love with me but just did not think it would work. I told him what a jerk he was in how he handled things and he agreed and was so sorry etc...He wanted to remain friends and was so sorry he was not there for me the last 2 months. I came back home.

He called everyday for a week. Finally it was too much for me. I knew I could not be just friends. He was dating this woman and was quite serious after only a short time. She is a doc where he works. She was divorced about 3 years ago because her husband had multiple affairs. I asked him how could we be friends- how would he ever explain me to her...he had not thought of that...he still wanted to be friends as we have been together for so long and we both cared about the other so much. He did not want to lose that. I told him in order for us both to move on we had to not talk again- it was the only way...it was an incredibly difficult conversation and we both were in tears.

I told him I needed to tell some friends - he agreed that would be good. Well that was two weeks ago...I saw a woman I had not seen in years. We lived together when my X and I first broke up 20 years ago- It seemed like such a coincidence...so I told her what had happened - we had dinner -- I sent her some of the emails over the years....Well she decided to send the woman he is now dating a letter with my emails. Here is the letter

Hopefully I have the right person. Since there is only one female xxxxdoc where (my X-C) works I assume this is you. One of my friends just told me about what she has been going through over the past few months/years. Granted she is partly responsible for her own mess, but I was so angry that she could be defending such an a**hole I had to do something. I just wanted you to know what kind of person you are dating.

C had an affair with my friend, XX, that began 4 years ago and ended in June. I am not sure how many other affairs he had, but my guess is more than one and I am sure this behavior contributed to the break-up of his marriage.

When xx told me what had happened I was shocked. At first, I was happy that C was out of her life, but when I saw the emails I could not believe what kind of person could do this to another person. It made me sick. I am sure xxx will be angry with me when she finds out that I sent you these emails but if she can forgive C than I am sure she will forgive me too at some point.

Their affair began 4 years ago and clearly she made a bad choice, but what C did was not only wrong, it was incredibly hurtful. As I read the emails it seems that he was the one who wanted more and pushed for it and shortly after XXX left her husband, he told her he was no longer in love with her. I find it very difficult to believe.

XX is a good person and what makes me angry is that she still trusts him and would forgive him in a second. How can she be so stupid? Why would you repeatedly trust someone like him? She continues to defend him. I think men like C seek out these good, caring women, know what to say and do, and then betray their trust. Once his wife asked for a divorce, he clearly wanted to continue to carry on the affair while she was still married and XX wanted to wait until they were both free to be together again. Even after all they had been through, C still wanted to maintain their close friendship. He has refused to let go and it was not until last week when XX finally said that she wanted him to be happy and in order for him to be happy he needed to forget about her and move on with his life that he was willing to do that…how ludicrous…he dumped her and wanted to maintain a relationship and she wants him to find happiness. I wanted to get sick…it was just too much. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. It angers me.

Maybe the issue of trust is not important to you. I was just disgusted by this whole thing. He has ruined so many lives over the years and I figured maybe it was time someone knew what he was really like so they could make their own decision—I just thought you should know.

My friend sent this without me knowing but now that I know I am not sure if I should call my X and let him know? My friend does not know that the woman he is dating was divorced because her Xhusband had lots of affairs-- but I assume this will hurt her alot as I know my X has not said a word. On top of that he will probably be angry at me...I feel awful

Yet I hate to admit this- but I also feel happy in a way that he will have to deal with all this and be put in a difficult situation of explaining what he did. The emails have my email address on it so I am not sure what will happen or what I should say or do...any advice would be helpful...I do feel badly that he will be hurt by this...and that this woman who I do not even know will be hurt. That does not seem fair....

what do I do??

tb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:04pm
If you want to remain friends with him then you should forget the advice you got here to have no contact with him and you need to warn him. Or ya know what? He will think it was you behind it and there will go the friendship you hope to one day have with him. I hope it works out for you. Also your friend needs to be set straight to exactly what position she has put you in, it really was not her place to do that.

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