friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
friends?
7
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 11:56am

It was mentioned today on another tread about having men-friends (for the straight ladies... or lady-friends if you're a straight dude and the opposite on both if you're gay! whew! I think I covered it all.)

Now that you are post-A, how do you feel about having friends like these and how do you feel about your significant other having them? Have your feelings changed pre/post-A? for you, for your spouse?
What rules do you implement for yourself and what do you expect/want from your SO?

Please... discuss!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 12:56pm

Very thought-provoking post Dee!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 1:26pm

What a great topic to discuss!!


For me, I simply have a lot of male friends because of the business I am in, the community activities I am involved in and because we live in a fairly small town. I am pretty outgoing and flirty by nature but I don't think that has ever been an issue with my male friends. Heck, I've gone out drinking and dancing with my boy friends!! H doesn't mind....at least he's never said or acted like he minded. My H and I are on opposite ends of the social spectrum. Life's a party for me with

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 4:07pm

Funny,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 4:30pm

Doesn't / wouldn't work for me.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:15pm

I have a couple of male friends that have always been strictly platonic. My husband knows them and one of them he even hangs out with on his own. He has no problem with me hanging out with him on my own either.

I also have a friend who used to be a FWB that my husband knows. He is okay with him being around as long as he is there. Well, he was okay with being around him. The FWB moved out of state.

My therapist made a good point. If your husband doesn't know about him, then he is not a friend. He is a secret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 10:06am

thanks dee, for yet another hard-hitting, thought-provoking post. THIS is the stuff healing is made of, i'm convinced of it.
i'm with new_season on this one. boundaries? WHAT boundaries?!?! holy cow have i learned alot since coming to EAS. i have always suspected that being "just friends" with men was never really an option for me. now, post-A, i think it is in stone. having just learned what boundaries ARE, for the love of god, i am working on implementing them in my life. who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? the resiliency of human beings is an amazement to me.
that said, i do not have appropriate thoughts when it comes to men. i just don't. even if i see someone i am not attracted to, if i interact with him on any level, the thought is always there--if even for a fleeting second---"is he attracted to me?" i never recognized it before, but i do now. it makes me feel disgusted. over my lifetime i have had male friends, but if i am honest with myself, i will admit that there has always been an underlying tension that is not consistent with real friendship. the strange thing is that when i have dreams about male friends or acquaintances, they are ALWAYS sexualized. always.
my new "rules" (which i didn't even know i had until dee enlightened me with this post) about maintaining friendships with my long-standing male friends are these:
1. I will not indulge in thoughts about my friend that i would not want my husband, or his wife, to know about.
2. I will not invite inappropriate attention or comments by my words or actions.
3. I will recognize my own feelings that arise, acknowledge them within myself, and then let them pass without judgment.
4. I will not tarnish my integrity nor ruin a valuable friendship by acting in a way that would compromise my values
5. NO NEW MALE FRIENDS!!!! I have enough trouble in my life!

know thyself.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...




Edited 6/5/2010 10:35 am ET by lilliealma
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 2:12pm

Friends with the opposite sex…..no way!

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.