friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
friends
40
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 8:37pm

Has _anyone_ here accomplished a successful platonic post-A friendship with xAP? Lurkers? Anyone who posts, but would _never_ admit to breaking NC?

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 8:47pm

Why do you want to know? *hands on hips...tapping foot*


Chocolate Valentine


"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 9:34pm

Well, I guess I have to post because _everyone_ is on pins and needles and won't reply until I do! ha.

I am wondering, because, as a newbie, I still have that lingering question of whether or not one could _eventually_ be friends, warm acquaintances, whatever, with the xAP. Everyone one on this board says it's impossible and highly inadvisable to even try -- everyone. And I'm sure with good reason. However, the board is so vehemently opposed, that one who actually DID remain friends or eventually reestablish a friendship, would be terrified to post so... at the least refrain from doing so because it is counter to the healing process for those on the board. I guess I'm an insensitive person for asking. Ew. Sorry. I just feel like there _must_ be another opinion that I'm not hearing, and that curiosity leaves me questioning.

I'll continue to look inward for my motivation for asking but, on first glance, it seems to be that I still have not put to rest the idea that I might be able to run into xAP and be warm and friendly, having moved on completely (him, too).

Anyone, anytime, may email me a private response.

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 9:52pm

Remaining friends is a last-ditch, pathetic attempt to NOT LET GO.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:03pm
If a person is choosing to rebuild their M then friendship with an xAP would be inappropriate. It would be a betrayal the BS. Especially if there was a DDay. Under those circumstances I don't think it is possible. IMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:15pm

Hey there,

I don't know Dee, this seems like a dangerous moment to be thinking of that.

I know that I could never remain friends with my XAP. Now, I know that I am still early in the process of ending it (I have to post about a challenge I am having with that), but I know clearly that a "friendship" would never work. My reasons,

1. I am trying to get clear with myself that the A was wrong on every level (I'm sort of still motivated by your comment to me on this point). I can't imagine continuing a friendship with that understanding.
2. I know that continuing the friendship would be disrespectful to my W.
3. I know that continuing the friendship would always leave an open door to a return to the A.
4. I believe that continuing the friendship would not provide the XAP or I appropriate room to heal.
5. I am still allowing myself to believe that I loved my XAP. I'm not the kind of guy that could let go of love and happily watch how her life unfolds.
6. I don't need the friendship to hold good feelings in my heart for my XAP. As I have said before, I am working really hard to make sure that I do this. Have a read of the buddhism article I posted earlier. I have some belief in karma, so I believe that working to keep good feelings in my heart for her (different than emotional love) will help to correct at least some of the negative karma that the A created.

Feel good.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:55pm

I know it seems I am be tough on you, but it is because you are NOT a newbie as you purported to be in your post,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 12:06am
Dee,
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 6:48am
Withclarity...I love the way you make me laugh yet get your point across at the same time. You're good!

myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 7:25am

Sorry..meant to respond to your question in my prior msg but got all post happy.


I have to agree with most here in that thinking you can have a purely platonic relationship with xAP is an unwise choice.

myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 7:44am

Dee~


<>


How I hate that lying junky mind when it sinks it's teeth into us. Of course there is always the chance of running into Xap but the words "warm and friendly" are

   ~Iddy~ 


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