Friends for 13 yrs. NC the only option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Friends for 13 yrs. NC the only option?
28
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 12:54am

Hi... I'm new here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:11am

Hi Iddy -


Thanks for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:15pm

This will be my last post to you re the importance of NC, and if others would like to chime in re. the friendship thing, so be it.


You wanted to know if NC is the only option, and it has been explained to you that yes, we advocate that it is. You cannot be friends with someone you have had an inappropriate relationship with unless his/her spouse knows about you, and agrees that it's okay to talk to/hang out with

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:23pm

You may not agree with Iddy but I can assure you that if you don't listen you will not end your A. If you stop the PA of your A and remain "friends" you will still be in an EA. The only way to break this cycle is to go completely NC. You may not think that you are taking away from his W and family but that is a part of your own selfishness and denial. We all know it well because we made crazy excuses for our behavior when we were in our As. Heck, I even told myself that I was helping

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 2:44pm

Without a doubt, there is no possibility of being friends after an A, but specifically if the spouse of your AP does not know. You will always have this little secret between just the two of you. How good of friend would he be, do you think, if his W found out after all these years that you were his AP?

Right, probably not such a good 'friend'.

I hope we will be welcoming you back here sooner than later, but it saddens me to think it will be after you have experienced even more hurt.

Iddy, Thank you for patrolling the EAS boarders and keeping this space safe for Enders. The consistency of advice and support has been integral to me carving a healthy path for myself out of the crazy making.

It's like E1 said in a different post, NC is really simple to understand, and why you can't be friends, once you understand the very basic nature of the addiction, and the distorted thinking, denial and justification that enables it to continue.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 5:25pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 5:50pm

I see both sides of the coin on this issue. On the one hand, yes, most of the people on this board cannot possibly have any contact with their xAP's, let alone a friendship. On the other, SOME people can. Maybe not at first. I had a situation not too dissimilar from yours. The only difference was that my xAP was not someone I was good friends with for years. In fact, I didn't know him all that long when the affair started, though I had known his wife. Nonetheless, we fell into our affair for somewhat similar reasons. My marriage (divorced now) had similar problems. My ex rejected me sexually for many, many years, too. He also had a secret life in that he used prostitutes, which I discovered later. XAP had a very unhappy marriage. His wife ran around on him and treated him poorly practically their whole marriage. (Still does, as they are still married.). We were both quite vulnerable when we met and the next thing you know...affair. His wife knew about it...encouraged it. Because she wanted to see whomever she wanted. Still does, by the way. Anyway, we had that affair for 2.5 years, until his wife decided that she no longer wanted him to have a girlfriend. I believe she felt threatened by the fact that there WERE genuine feelings between he and I. For about 5 minutes' time after, she acted as if she wanted to have a genuine, committed marriage. That didn't last long, though, and here we are, 6 years later, and her life is exactly the same as it was before his affair with me. I, however, am so very grateful that she did that. Because it forced me to open my eyes and come out of the fog. At the time I was involved, I considered myself to have genuine and deep feelings for this man. But after some time away, I began to really realize how wrong it was and how distorted my thinking was. I knew it at the time, but denial is a powerful tool.

I am now friends with the xAP. It didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual process that started with about six months of no contact at all. It was a little hard with us because we have mutual friends. By nine months post ending of the affair, I was completely over it. There would have been zero chance of me falling back into it then and certainly not now. And when I say I am friends with him, I don't mean talk on the phone or go do something exclusively, I mean we can see each other, we can sit and talk, and it's no big deal. I'm not going to say that it's like it never happened. It did happen, so things are forever altered. But it truly isn't a big deal. Sometimes people DO end an affair and stay friendly. I am living proof. Does that mean I recommend it to everyone? No. Because I think most can't. But for the sake of the issue regarding this board, SOME can. And quite honestly, it does not say in the guidelines that in order to be a member of this board, everyone has to take an oath to not speak of being friends with an AP while trying to end it. Therefore, I do not think this person should be reprimanded or suggested that this isn't the place for her. This is an endings board. An ending an AFFAIR board. There are no rules regarding whether you can speak to the person or what you can post. As long as it's not abusive or violating the rules, people can post whatever they so choose. I believe in Freedom of Speech, and as long as you're not violating the terms....come back and say what you have to. This is by no means an endorsement on my part for trying to stay friends with the AP. In most cases, it would never work out. I am simply saying that if that should be the case for the rare person, we shouldn't be flaming them on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 6:41pm

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I fail to see where there was any flaming. Nothing was said to the original poster that isn't said to anyone else asking if they can be friends with an XAP.

If someones feels they have been flamed, there is link to report a violation. I do not see any direct attacks on WF, but if I missed something, feel free to report it.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:16pm

Who set her on flames? I watched this post carefully. I just re-read the entire thread. No one has set her on fire... reprimanded her, or said go away. Let alone said she was not welcomed. Posters did comment on her per her posts. That is what we all do. I think Wildflower is sensitive to some of the common themes and statements on this board. "Fog" is something we have all been in and according to her posts, it TOTALLY appears that way. Unless, she does not understand what we mean by fog. And we are all delusional in an A. We just do not see it when we are in the fog.

No one has slammed her....I have been on this board some time and I have seen some slamming. This was no slamming. It is my opinion, that she just does not see things as we do...things we know from experience. Thru out the posts she thinks that she has not effected his W or took away from that M and that is just plain wrong. She (Wildflower if she is reading), does appear to be in complete denial about the selfishness of an A.

Wildflower,

Regardless of years of friendship or strong you are, or how strong willed, or how smart and determined you are...you fell. We all have. A's are selfish and I do not care what brings you to em or how vulnerable you are due to your individual circumstances...whatever they may be...does not make you excused from your selfish acts of an A. Its like you own it, but not really. And most of us do not, especially at your stage out of your A, if you have ended it. You keep saying I am ending it. I do not see what takes so long. You are either in or out.

There is no backlash here. If you ended it, ok. Stay here and post. Be ready for what comes your way. If you want to read into the posts to Iddy, since you say you are insulted, I really see you taking shots at her. Little Jabs here and there and then you completely said she contradicts herself for her situation only.She told you that you took time away from his W. You did and you refuse to admit that. She told you NC...and you do not agree. Fine. No one yelled to go away. You are hell bent on remaining friends with an Exap. Why? Because of years of friendship prior. Why not wipe your slate clean and begin a new life? Why do you need him? BTW...limited contact has always been on this board, well before Iddy was our CL. You have not mentioned ANY reason for being in LC. And guess what, no one on here wants to be in LC, they HAVE to for sum reason or another. Sounds like you want LC by choice.

You keep posted back and not just because we post...you appreciated only those who agreed with what you said. You did your own fair share of insulting and yet you think it is not noticed and you now you are the victim, who is only responding because of insults? Please re-read this thread.
I could copy and paste, but that should not be necessary. You were adamant on proving that you could be friends and that your A was different and you and he were different and because of that you could be friends...

Ending this A will be the hardest thing you will ever do! If you think you can go it alone and with your therapist...so be it. We hope it works for you.

Oh and to just let you know, I am a former professionally licensed therapist, now an Attorney. T's are not all knowing and everything they recommend are based on what we tell them. They only know your perspective...their recommendations are not always literal and they are not always knowledgeable on how to handle an A, let alone how to handle ending one. The women on this board are THE EXPERTS if you are looking for help or support with ending an A. You will find nothing better. NOTHING. Scour the earth and the internet and you will not find a better place for ending an A support. NOWHERE. There are large number or women from all walks of life, all ages and all racial and socio-economic class. We all do not agree. We fuss all the time. But also show support and love that you will find nowhere else. These women have insight and experience that no therapist's can offer. And the best part is, it's all FREE. Not paying a dime, no fiduciary relationship. It amazing. Sorry that you seem to reject all of that.

I too wish you all the best and I am sorry you will miss out on all this board offers.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:18pm
By flaming I mean just coming down on her a little harshly. I think she SHOULD stick around. Because she may learn some things through others' stories that could help her in her own journey. I just think we should never shoot our wounded, so to speak. Because even though we may not agree with someone, can see the dangers for them, they still have the right to post here if they're not violating the terms. And she isn't violating them. I'm just sayin'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:26pm

You have not mentioned ANY reason for being in LC. And guess what, no one on here wants to be in LC, they HAVE to for sum reason or another. Sounds like you want LC by choice.


This is right on (and great post btw).