Friend's affairs-how do you feel, react?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Friend's affairs-how do you feel, react?
7
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:12am

How do you feel when you hear a friend or acquaintance is having an affair?

My husband has a close friend who is involved in an affair that has been going on for over 20 years. When I first learned of this, I myself was involved with xAP. I know I didn't say much about it to my husband at that time. But now when the subject comes up, I have to really hold back.!! I want to shake this friend of my husband and say stop this madness. 20 years is a very long time, for sure. The friend wants to stop, but he doesn't think he can do it. It's hard for me to not go into "EAS" mode and blab everything I've learned here over the years. So I let it out in bits and pieces to my husband. I'm hoping that maybe my husband can pick up on some of the things I've said and repeat them to his friend. I feel for his friend. He wants out, but doesn't want to hurt the other woman. Typical.

My blood boils when I hear of other's affairs. I know the pain and destructiveness of it. It's hard to stay quiet. If I say too much, then I'm sure the question would be "so just how do you know all this", hmm? I'd love to direct the friend here, but of course, can't. So I've been sitting back for over 4 years, hearing details (from my H ) of this man's affair. I know it's none of my business. I don't want to get involved, I never would. But it's like watching a train wreck. When I hear of affairs in the media, such as John Edwards, Gov. Sanford and others, I cringe. Guilt runs all through me. And everything I've learned here, I see when I watch or read of their affairs. Amazing isn't it how most affairs are all the same, no matter who you are !

So I'm curious how others feel when they hear of a friend or someone else being involved in an affair. I have the crystal ball, I can almost tell them what's going to happen, but I can't. They have to experience the destruction for themselves. I feel my own guilt, yet at the same time I feel a need to counsel. But I just can't. You?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 12:15pm

Hi BandK,


That's very frustrating that you have all this knowledge yet can't share it. I suppose, giving bits and pieces here and there may help this man. But 20 years - wow - huge amount of time for an affair. That one is going to be very difficult to break.


I can only feel for him and the OW going through two decades of this hellish kind of relationship must be a nightmare, and now they probably can't remember times before deceit, running around behind backs and just the sheer energy draining experience that is an A.


I have a friend who knew from the very start about my A - she watched and advised the whole time, has been wonderful. Very patient, and picked me up too many times. Even now for the billionth time I've ended it, she's still there.


However, since my own NC, she herself has got involved with someone else. And I have to stop myself from getting angry about it, it's going down exactly the same route. She's at the flattery stage. Kissing, no S but I can see it coming. And I remind her of her own frustrations with me and to please not do this.


I can't be hypocrytical, I can only support and advise against. I can't get angry. She knows the full impact something like this has on a life and M.


I just hope she stops it soon enough.


Strange that you can get angry with something that reminds you of yourself. I think that's just anger at yourself coming out and redirecting itself at someone else :(


Good luck with your H's friend. Hope your snippets of advice can help him.


PikuLou

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 2:37pm

I completely agree that it's hard to hear about someone else dipping their toe into the waters of hell we've been through and that everyone has to experience the destruction for themselves.

This board should be required reading for anyone finding themselves attracted to a MM or MW!

<<>>

My general rule is to stay out of other people's business, period. I really can't stand gossip. I would feel the same if it were a friend, acquaintance or complete stranger - very sad for the pain they are going to cause and endure.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 3:43pm

Just thought I'd add the OW is single. Apparently she is satisfied with the arrangement. My H's friend, thinks he is holding her back from living - guess so !! And it took him 20 yrs. to figure this out?

The friend wanted to leave his wife early in their marriage but because of a handicapped daughter, he felt he couldn't. I told my husband, if he truly loved the OW, then he should have left his then wife, instead of living a lie for over 20 yrs. So glad this is not my messed up life. Thank you EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 6:12pm

Isn't it scary to hear about so many A's going on? To this day I am STILL surprised how these things get started. What are people thinking?! How can anything be worth the consequences risked?! I know, I know. The heart takes over the head. I am still having trouble convincing myself of the reality of it all, but I am counting on time and diligence to get me there!

After I had reached the last straw of my xAP's games and my emotional sanity, I confided in a friend about what had been going on. She was very surprised, but supportive. For quite awhile, she listened to my woes and tried to keep me on the right track. Sometimes she dealt me some pretty "tough love", but I knew she was right. Anyway, shortly after my A ended, my friend started talking about a friend of hers she felt an attraction to and wanted to test the waters! After all of the torment, tears and frustration she witnessed with me and she wanted to maybe give it a try!

At first I tried to play the "I understand what you might be feeling, but you should be careful" approach, but when it lasted a few weeks, I changed to the "are you crazy?!?" tone. Why would she put herself through everything I had just been through? She has seemed to let the idea go, but I'm keeping my eye out for her!

What really surprised me is that she once told me she was a little jealous of my "situation: - that I had this love drama, this excitement, in my life. Boy, oh, boy... some kind of excitement! Maybe from the outside it might seem exciting, but when your soul gets ripped from your core, the thrill seems to dim a bit!

As I've said before - the ONLY guarantee in this drama is that someone (if not many) is going to get hurt. Even without a D-Day, my own struggles are difficult enough and it feels like the hurt will never go away. So - maybe our penance is to be exposed, but to also help with, these situations of others. I'm confident our helping others also helps to help ourselves (sounds a little selfish, but I think is true!).

So, here's strength and clarity to experience!!!

HLS :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 6:49pm

I have a very good girlfriend who is single and has been involved with a MM for 3 years, though

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 10:35am

Good topic Bandk-


After having gone through what I've gone through, I am very sensitiveto what others are going through. Recently, a friend of mine, who is going through a divorce, started talking more and more about a mutual friend of ours, who is married. Unfortunately, I know that he is a dog because several years ago he started emailing me in an inappropriate way. Back then it was flattering, but I quickly got creeped out and cut him off. Now I hear her talking about him and it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to tell her to run, but I don't know how. So I did tell her to be careful and that I didn't think he was any good.


Anyway, I digress. I guess my point is that I would not have listened to any of you pre-A or early A. This is a lesson

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:09am

Jane, I'm not sure if I would have listened to anyone preaching the destruction of an affair. We all thought we knew what we were doing, we were happy - blind and stupid. Had someone said something to me, there was the possibility I could have been guilted out of continuing the affair. Looking back, I was always worried about what someone would think of me upon discovering my affair. So I'm not totally sure I would have stopped the nonsense, but I bet the advice would have eaten me up alive, being the worrier I am. Maybe it would have opened my eyes a little, I dunno. I was so wrapped up in my own little world, thinking I deserved the affair bliss I was so high on.

I recently discovered 2 of my high school Facebook classmates are involved. Both married, living a few hours apart, but still carrying on. Apparently, it's become common knowledge among the group of FB friends. Both spouses are now aware and it has one marriage on the verge of a divorce. This affair is also being played out on FB. It's appalling how these 2 are so open with their emotions, even after their discoveries. I want so badly to say something - but I can't. Thanks to EAS, I see all signs, the egos, the addiction and the fog. It makes me want to slap both of them, shake some sense in their heads. But I can't and won't.