Friends with a betrayed spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Friends with a betrayed spouse
6
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 7:52am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 9:43am

It really is amazing to see the whole picture after we are out of the fog. It's hard to imagine anything but meeting our own selfish needs when we are in the A. When I started my A with the S guy, I made him drop his girlfriend. I simply told him to "get rid of her", that sounds so awful now that I think about it. He broke off with her and I never thought twice about it. When I ended the A, he told me in his anger that he had dropped a wonderful woman because I told him to and he was so angry. Sometimes when I read posts on EAS written by single ladies I just want to reach out and hug them and tell them it wasn't about them and they need to love themselves more than holding on to a MM. I want to tell them that 90% of what a MM tells them are lies and there is another woman in his life and they are contributing to another woman's pain. We are so tunnel visioned when we are in an A. We want what we want and we don't care who suffers.



What we have to tell ourselves is that as long as we continue to live honest lives and stop deceiving and hurting ppl for our own selfish needs in the future, it really doesn't matter how bad we were in our pasts. A lot of ppl do this all their lives with no remorse or guilt at all. The fact that we are seeing how destructive we were to ourselves and others and want to make a change is a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:07pm

I am friends with my Xap's wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 6:58am

This is an great topic. I have never really thught much about exAP wife. I was told how cold she was, how sexless she was, how angry she always is.



Maybe she is also a victim here- a nice warm woman who was made out to be the 'bad guy' to help justify his behaviour.



Its easy to not think about the cold, angry woman. But a nice, warm friendly one? Hmmm I can definately see how hard that would be.



Im so glad noone found out. How lucky I am that I am the ONLY person feeling crappy here- could have been a million times worse.



Iggyx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:19am

Hi Alice-

It is eye opening isn't it? While we should feel bad for what we did to xap's wife, we must also take this time to reflect on the pain we've caused our own spouses. You see her pain. Now imagine that is the pain of your H. I had a DDay, several in fact. That pain you describe seeing in your friend is the pain I see everyday in my H. He's suffered so much because of my selfishness. A's are destructive and they do affect so many people. I am glad you had this experience to help you understand. I hope you can apply it to your own M.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:55am

Iggy,
forgive me for the hijack but I wanted to address Alesan's post. I'll do so briefly.

Alesan,
You should understand that a relationship where this man relies on you emotionally, as you said, is still an affair - and affair in every sense of the word. You are in an Emotional Affair. The betrayal of his W is still there - in spades - even if you are no longer sleeping with her husband. I'm sure that if his wife discovered your relationship with her husband, even if only the emotional and not physical history of it, she'd be devastated. Not to mention the continued damage you and AP are causing yourselves by continuing this way. If you read this board you cannot be so unaware of the nature of an EA that you can honestly proclaim that you are out of this A, let alone 'friends' with his wife. Please reconsider your actions and resolve to do the right thing.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 9:28am

Dee, I was thinking the very same thing. I am glad you posted this.



Alesan, you are betraying his W and your DH because you are int the throws of an EA. Being a counselor and a secret "friend" is still leaning on and depending on each other in an inappropriate way and still an act of betrayal.