Friends vs NC........
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| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:48am |
NC is the first rule of thumb. It IS the only way that we can get past all of these emotions and begin to heal.
Time is the second rule of thumb. Giving yourself plenty of time to go through the phases that come after ending the A, and not expecting that it will all go away over night.
When choosing friends vs NC, let me point out a few things. When you think to yourself that you would rather stay friends than have nothing, then you are deciding to stay in the A. Maybe not physically, but emotionally it will be there. You cant get over someone, unless you get past someone. It's like sitting at a red light, looking at the car next to you and wanting it so bad... maybe its your dream car. If the light gets stuck on red and no one is going anywhere, then you continue to want this car and the desire aches at you. It becomes worse and worse knowing that you cant have it. You could have chose to turn at the light, or see if anything is coming and just go on, but you didnt. You chose to sit there and dwell. If you just go on through the light or turn, then as time passes, you get over wanting the car you cant have and in most cases, later on down the road, you find one even better! One that "fits" you.
It is the same way when ending these A's. If you stay friends then you choose to sit still, always having that person right there to remind you that you cant have them no matter how bad you want them. We can pretend to be just their friend... sure, that maybe pretty simple, but what isnt simple is going home at night, laying in bed, thinking about the wonderful time you had as "friends" and torcher yourself over the struggle that your mind will have with your heart on why it is that you cant have a relationship with this person and it be just as wonderful. BTDT!! It hurts just as much if not more to remain friends.
Alot time, we remain friends in hopes that somewhere down the road, they will see how great we are and change their minds. We hope that they discover one day that we are worth it, and that they do love us. In the meantime, even though we are suppose to be just "friends", we put our life on hold, which also means we put our healing process on hold. You cant heal when you are still being wounded, over and over. Listen again...: YOU CANT HEAL... WHEN YOU ARE BEING WOUNDED OVER AND OVER!!
There are so many people out there to be just friends with if you are looking for a friend. This board is here. We each deserve the best out of life. If you are on this board posting and reading, it IS because you were hurt and it is because you are not getting what you deserve. If you did NOT want the A to end, and yet it ended anyway, that means that you were not getting 100 % in return what you gave.
Over time, its NC, allowing the phases to come and pass, coming to this board every day, every hour, every few minutes if needed, and plenty of YOU time, and fun for YOURSELF, that will get you past all the hurt that may be fresh. IT DOES GET BETTER!!! I am proof of this. There WILL come a day when you look at this EX and laugh because you never knew what you seen in them.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Remember, YOU are worth it, you DO deserve the best, and you ARE just as beautiful, precious and special to someone out there like this person was to you.
Hugs and love,
H2H

The only thing that I would add is that trying to remain friends can only lead to more heartache. In my situation I am single and during the time period that xMM and I tried to be friends, I held onto every little piece of the A that I could. We both had trouble differintating friends vs. lovers. While trying to be friends things were said that friends wouldn't say to each other. Therefore, I was holding onto those types of things. I would get so disappointed and hurt when xMM wasn't there in the same ways he used to be when we were lovers.
I am a little over 8 months of NC. At first I still wanted to remain friends with xMM but like your post says - it was more out of hope that he would realize how great I was and the mistake he was making. Remaining friends with him would just keep adding salt to my very fresh and deep wounds. Sure, I would love for him to contact me. I want him to know how bad he has hurt me. It is weird but that is the only thing that hasn't allowed me to move on completely. I WANT HIM TO KNOW HOW BAD HE HAS HURT ME! That is the only thing that holds me back right now from moving on completely.
There are still days when it is so hard but it has gotten so much easier. There is nothing you can really do to stop the pain except give it time.
maybe one more day.
the guy im having the A with is getting married soon. and i know we will
end then, but i want just one more time with him even if its just as friends.
sometimes i wonder if i just want what i cant have or if i really love him.
upsidedown
I completely understand you wanting him to know how bad he hurt you. I honestly do. But please do not let that hold you back from moving on. I was in an A for over 4 years. NC for about a year plus and then just recently had contact, am now back to NC again. That was also the one thing for me.... letting him know that he hurt me.
For a whole year, I hurt and moved. I moved slowly, but I was able to move. However in the back of my mind, I often wondered that if I had told him how much he hurt me, would it have made a difference? Would he have hated hurting me and given me an apology and tried to make up for it? My ansswers were anything but those I expected. Sure they may apologize for hurting you, but they dont really care or even apologize sincerely. They go on with their life, married or not. That is what your exMM is doing now. He isnt offering to knock down your door because oh he realizes that he hurt you, or even because he wonders if he hurt you. He KNOWS he hurt you... and he chooses to do nothing about it.
Why want that hurt in your life again? Why even care to see him be cold to you when you are at your weakest? It will only make you weaker. Let him move on, let him live his life. You know what, I bet his wife is hurting too. And he will get all of what he has dished out back in return. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. You focus on you, and you focus on keeping that time of NC. I am very proud that you are having no contact and you just remember that you are better than anything he ever made you out to be. Do not let one thing hold you back from having a million things. You are beautiful and special and you WILL be loved exactly the way you loved him... just give it time.
All my hugs and best wishes.
H2H
wow, this thread really hit something inside of me. I am currently confusing myself, thinking that I can actually be friends with this person. The boundary of friends and lovers has blurred and once crossed, can't be put right. Is this person actually my "friend"? Does he care if I am hurting, does he think of me when he goes on with his daily life? I am only getting the spare of his spare time, and I MAKE time for him. His phone calls now seem not like an equal interaction, but one of pity, fear and "mercy". Asks me about what I'll be doing on the weekend, knowing that he is off having fun with friends... kinda rubs me the wrong way!!
In one year from now, what will I miss about this relationship the way it is now? I get sporadic and unpredictable calls and impossible invitations that I couldn't accept. No planning to see me, no I miss you's just, thought I'd call and say "hi". Well, that's not enough to keep even a platonic relationship going. Who wants to share their intimate thoughts with someone who is calling "on the way home" or "just running to the store"?
Surely, we deserve better. I keep reading posts, which buoys my spirits, because now I feel like I belong somewhere. Isn't that crazy? I wasn't single, I wasn't married, I didn't fit into those friendships and peer groups. In a sad way, I belong here. I made my bed (with help) and must do what is right.
Knowing that there are so many of us out there trying to find our way, when no one else in our lives can understand (should we care to share our affairs), makes it a bit easier to glimpse life beyond.
I'm so looking forward to being a year away from here and saying that I had NC. I've moved on.
Thanks for letting me get this out. It does help.
I did that. It is not satisfying. He knows how badly he hurt me. He knows that I was a suicide risk. He knows that everything in my life fell apart.
He said he's sorry.
Sorry.
Somehow doesn't quite do it, you know? So I asked him, "What are you sorry for? Are you sorry that I feel this way, or are you sorry that you said something or did something in particular? Are you sorry you started an A with me? Do you REGRET anything?"
He said he was sorry that I feel this way.
Not, evidently, apologizing for his role in all this. Just pitying me.
The truth is that they can never TRULY know how badly they hurt us until and unless they are as badly hurt. They do not have the ability to see it from our perspective until they are in our shoes and feel it for themselves.
So don't fret or dwell on fantasies of calling him up one last time and telling him that he hurt you. It will not give you closure. Because he's just sorry you feel that way.
Grace