Friendship possible or STUPID idea??
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Friendship possible or STUPID idea??
| Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:27am |
My OM decided things were getting too involved and hot - hard to seperate the feelings from the sex - and his wife was questioning him - so we decided to "just be friends" and said maybe someday when things cooled off we would resume the physical side. I didn't want to stop but I know it is best. I want him like crazy.
We want to be friends still - it works so far but is painful. He is hot and cold - touches me then backs off when I return the touches - just little leg brushes or hand on knee sort of touching. I am taking things so personally too - he does something less than considerate, but not that bad and I just get so angry and upset. I hate to think of giving up our friendship. I lean on him so much and we do things with our children together - they love our adventures and I don't want to take that away. I'm in a foreign country for awhile and this guy has been a lifesaver for me. But he also gives me more than I want to give up - and he told me yesterday that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to keep our friendship. This hurts and is so confusing.
I keep hoping he'll change his mind and want the physical stuff again - but I do need to work on my marriage.
Can we be friends or is that just plain a stupid idea?
This board brings me to tears sometimes. I am so thankful for it. It really gives me strength to know I am not alone and not the only one hurting like this. Why do we do things to ourselves that are so painful?
Thanks for listening - Lazyone2004
We want to be friends still - it works so far but is painful. He is hot and cold - touches me then backs off when I return the touches - just little leg brushes or hand on knee sort of touching. I am taking things so personally too - he does something less than considerate, but not that bad and I just get so angry and upset. I hate to think of giving up our friendship. I lean on him so much and we do things with our children together - they love our adventures and I don't want to take that away. I'm in a foreign country for awhile and this guy has been a lifesaver for me. But he also gives me more than I want to give up - and he told me yesterday that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to keep our friendship. This hurts and is so confusing.
I keep hoping he'll change his mind and want the physical stuff again - but I do need to work on my marriage.
Can we be friends or is that just plain a stupid idea?
This board brings me to tears sometimes. I am so thankful for it. It really gives me strength to know I am not alone and not the only one hurting like this. Why do we do things to ourselves that are so painful?
Thanks for listening - Lazyone2004

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""Can we be friends or is that just plain a stupid idea?""
PLAIN STUPID, You got it.
Why your doing this to yourself at least part of the reason is that your an emotional addict, additiced to the emotional highs that come from the the affair not addicted to XMM.
On a side bare if you continue in the affair it will be next to impossible to fix your marriage to many divided loyalties, you will not seriously do what is needed to save the marriage untell itis to late.
Suggestion, as hard as it is WALK AWAY FROM THIS CHEATING MARRIED MAN.
F
Thanks for the candid answer - I need that! Now if someone could give me the backbone to do what I know I have to. I go to a counselor next week.
Thanks again!
Lazy
So now I have not heard from him again since then. I think its just too hard to try and maintain a regular type of friendship, and I think he realizes that. Those thoughts and feelings just come back into your head, its really hard to get them out. If he wants to be in touch, it would have to be back to the old routine, there is no way I can just be platonic friends with him. There's no turning back for me.
The best thing is complete NC. That way you can try and work on your M and not have the temptation of MM around you. Good luck to you.
Dusty
This is *exactly* why you can't be friends. Because in your heart you are always going to be hoping for more. If you were both at the point where you could put away that part of your relationship for good, maybe it would work. But I think you need to go through a lot of healing on your own, with NC, before you can get to that point.
I really don't have the answer to that except to say that unless you are able to separate your feelings for him romantically from the way you feel about him as your friend, it's going to be hard. At times you'll feel great because you get to still have him in your life and other times you'll think about the way things used to be and it will bring you down. It's going to take a lot of work on your part and you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you.
I am clearly not in the right mind as I recently got told I just want to be friends...I just don;t really know the answer except in time the answer will become clearer. My now D man has always been my best friend for years. We have been through so much together and if something bad happens he would be the first one I would want to turn to. We have just been through so much for each other. We maintained that friendship after our first failed dating in college/med school...and it was good. There were times when we needed each other more...and the other was always there. Over the first few years we talked every 4-5 months and then gradually as our M began to have problems we talked more. I definitely found the talking more hard to give up and so we both decided the feelings were too great and had to see each other.
This time-- if there is a next time-- there would be this wall that we both would have there...I am not sure if either of us could be happy with that...so maybe the memories are better. I just don't know.
The one thing I do find - feeling desparate just makes things worse. Trying to convince someone of something is just going to make them defend their position more. The more you fight the more they will dig in. It is self-defeating. Let go and they come back-- if it was not too late.
In my case we worked together. Our "thing" had not been going on for very long when his Mother saw us together and figured it out. She told his Father who told his wife..... It was an UGLY time.
I think because it didnt end due to incompatability or whatever causes a relationship to end we never had "closure". I know that sounds like a bunch of psyco-babble but years later I still do not feel as though it was wrapped up. Too many "what ifs?" still unanswered.
Anyway, we had to see each other almost daily at work and it was AWFUL. I begged him to transfer (and so did his wife) but he said that he wanted to be friends and be close to where I was. As a result we were "on and off" for almost 3 years. It was a nightmare. I never asked how it was for him, but it was horrible for me.
Please find the courage to get over this man and find a healthy relationship. They are out there... when you are ready to find one you will.
aquagirl
p.s. Looking back; as hot & heavy as we were, we had very little in common and would not have lasted very long in the "real" world of dating.
Years ago, my neighbor and I had an A (he's since moved from the neighborhood but still lives around here). Our A lasted awhile and when it ended, we were still neighbors so it was quite awkward. Over time, we would chat occasionally and always kept in touch via email. Mainly benign topics (the weather, our relationships, current events). Four years later, I consider him to be my best male friend. I can talk to him about anything, including my current A. We can go to dinner/lunch and flirt with one another, but we both know we're not going to cross the line and end up in each other's arms again. When it ended, I was so hurt, but he was there to listen to my mini venting sessions about how his decision affected me and how he couldn't expect me to shut down my feelings overnight.
Alot of it depends on the maturity of the people involved. He pretty much ended it with me (the A), and while it hurt, we both knew that quitting "cold turkey" wasn't going to work for us. We were so used to being each other's sounding block that we knew that going from lover's to friend's would take a bit of transitioning, otherwise, we'd both buckle and keep getting back together.
In a nutshell, it worked for us. To this day, we both know that if we were single, we wouldn't be a good match for one another. I'm too outgoing and flirtatious. He's more reserved and introspective. It's nice to know that not all A's have to end on a bad note and whether you end up being friends with your x or not, I wish you luck in getting through this. It's definitely not easy. :(
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