Friendship possible or STUPID idea??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Friendship possible or STUPID idea??
11
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:27am
My OM decided things were getting too involved and hot - hard to seperate the feelings from the sex - and his wife was questioning him - so we decided to "just be friends" and said maybe someday when things cooled off we would resume the physical side. I didn't want to stop but I know it is best. I want him like crazy.

We want to be friends still - it works so far but is painful. He is hot and cold - touches me then backs off when I return the touches - just little leg brushes or hand on knee sort of touching. I am taking things so personally too - he does something less than considerate, but not that bad and I just get so angry and upset. I hate to think of giving up our friendship. I lean on him so much and we do things with our children together - they love our adventures and I don't want to take that away. I'm in a foreign country for awhile and this guy has been a lifesaver for me. But he also gives me more than I want to give up - and he told me yesterday that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to keep our friendship. This hurts and is so confusing.

I keep hoping he'll change his mind and want the physical stuff again - but I do need to work on my marriage.

Can we be friends or is that just plain a stupid idea?

This board brings me to tears sometimes. I am so thankful for it. It really gives me strength to know I am not alone and not the only one hurting like this. Why do we do things to ourselves that are so painful?

Thanks for listening - Lazyone2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 8:35am
HI Lazy

""Can we be friends or is that just plain a stupid idea?""

PLAIN STUPID, You got it.

Why your doing this to yourself at least part of the reason is that your an emotional addict, additiced to the emotional highs that come from the the affair not addicted to XMM.

On a side bare if you continue in the affair it will be next to impossible to fix your marriage to many divided loyalties, you will not seriously do what is needed to save the marriage untell itis to late.

Suggestion, as hard as it is WALK AWAY FROM THIS CHEATING MARRIED MAN.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 8:58am
Ouch - the truth hurts - but how can I not agree? This is sooooo hard - much harder than I ever imagined. He came over and we talked and cried together and had sex. I am addicted to the emotional highs. A friend of mine has been telling me exactly what you said - and I thought that maybe she was wrong - but seeing things outside is easier than being right there. This just sucks! I'm slowly accepting things.

Thanks for the candid answer - I need that! Now if someone could give me the backbone to do what I know I have to. I go to a counselor next week.

Thanks again!

Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:23am
Hi Lazy, I think Free is right, its an emotional addiction really. I'm going thru the same thing. MM ended it because his W was suspicious of him. And I think he would have liked to stay friends. He did contact me a couple of weeks ago, after not hearing from him for about a month. And he was just asking how I was, how are the kids, etc. but before you know it the convo. turns to sex, and before you know it, we are having phone sex.

So now I have not heard from him again since then. I think its just too hard to try and maintain a regular type of friendship, and I think he realizes that. Those thoughts and feelings just come back into your head, its really hard to get them out. If he wants to be in touch, it would have to be back to the old routine, there is no way I can just be platonic friends with him. There's no turning back for me.

The best thing is complete NC. That way you can try and work on your M and not have the temptation of MM around you. Good luck to you.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:55pm
I think it's impossible to stay friends because the temptation will always be there. The only way to really end an affair is to cut all communication or limit it as much as possible. I understand how it can be really hard, especially at first, but it's really necessary to get on with your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:04pm
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This is *exactly* why you can't be friends. Because in your heart you are always going to be hoping for more. If you were both at the point where you could put away that part of your relationship for good, maybe it would work. But I think you need to go through a lot of healing on your own, with NC, before you can get to that point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:55am
Lazy- what a great question. It's something I've been battling all week. My xMM thought that NC was best for right now while things are so volatile at home. Selfishly, I fought for our friendship for the past couple of weeks. Reminding him of how great our friendship was, promising I would back off as much as he needs etc. The end result is that we still do have contact, but it's different now. I miss the way we used to interact. I miss hearing from him as often as I did, because now it's about once per day via email. It's hard to put on a happy face when I hear about the things he's trying to do to make his homelife better. It's so darn hard ... but the only other alternative would be not to speak to him anymore, and we did that for a few weeks and it was like torture.

I really don't have the answer to that except to say that unless you are able to separate your feelings for him romantically from the way you feel about him as your friend, it's going to be hard. At times you'll feel great because you get to still have him in your life and other times you'll think about the way things used to be and it will bring you down. It's going to take a lot of work on your part and you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:27pm
Lazy

I am clearly not in the right mind as I recently got told I just want to be friends...I just don;t really know the answer except in time the answer will become clearer. My now D man has always been my best friend for years. We have been through so much together and if something bad happens he would be the first one I would want to turn to. We have just been through so much for each other. We maintained that friendship after our first failed dating in college/med school...and it was good. There were times when we needed each other more...and the other was always there. Over the first few years we talked every 4-5 months and then gradually as our M began to have problems we talked more. I definitely found the talking more hard to give up and so we both decided the feelings were too great and had to see each other.

This time-- if there is a next time-- there would be this wall that we both would have there...I am not sure if either of us could be happy with that...so maybe the memories are better. I just don't know.

The one thing I do find - feeling desparate just makes things worse. Trying to convince someone of something is just going to make them defend their position more. The more you fight the more they will dig in. It is self-defeating. Let go and they come back-- if it was not too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:55pm
No, its plainly stupid in my opinion. It doesn't really give out any clear cut message that the A has ended, its just a choice for people who want to keep all of their options open, just in case. You can get back to the A if the next one they are trying to get is not going anywhere. It may not be the case in all of the situations but that is what I would think if somebody where to do it to me. I would think he is still want me in someway or else why would he be interested in "friendship"?? JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:41pm
I am another girl who has been where you are. The situation really stinks!

In my case we worked together. Our "thing" had not been going on for very long when his Mother saw us together and figured it out. She told his Father who told his wife..... It was an UGLY time.

I think because it didnt end due to incompatability or whatever causes a relationship to end we never had "closure". I know that sounds like a bunch of psyco-babble but years later I still do not feel as though it was wrapped up. Too many "what ifs?" still unanswered.

Anyway, we had to see each other almost daily at work and it was AWFUL. I begged him to transfer (and so did his wife) but he said that he wanted to be friends and be close to where I was. As a result we were "on and off" for almost 3 years. It was a nightmare. I never asked how it was for him, but it was horrible for me.

Please find the courage to get over this man and find a healthy relationship. They are out there... when you are ready to find one you will.

aquagirl

p.s. Looking back; as hot & heavy as we were, we had very little in common and would not have lasted very long in the "real" world of dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 4:21pm
I'm in the minority here because I can vouch for the fact that you CAN be friends. At least, it's worked for me. It all depends on the situation and the people involved.

Years ago, my neighbor and I had an A (he's since moved from the neighborhood but still lives around here). Our A lasted awhile and when it ended, we were still neighbors so it was quite awkward. Over time, we would chat occasionally and always kept in touch via email. Mainly benign topics (the weather, our relationships, current events). Four years later, I consider him to be my best male friend. I can talk to him about anything, including my current A. We can go to dinner/lunch and flirt with one another, but we both know we're not going to cross the line and end up in each other's arms again. When it ended, I was so hurt, but he was there to listen to my mini venting sessions about how his decision affected me and how he couldn't expect me to shut down my feelings overnight.

Alot of it depends on the maturity of the people involved. He pretty much ended it with me (the A), and while it hurt, we both knew that quitting "cold turkey" wasn't going to work for us. We were so used to being each other's sounding block that we knew that going from lover's to friend's would take a bit of transitioning, otherwise, we'd both buckle and keep getting back together.

In a nutshell, it worked for us. To this day, we both know that if we were single, we wouldn't be a good match for one another. I'm too outgoing and flirtatious. He's more reserved and introspective. It's nice to know that not all A's have to end on a bad note and whether you end up being friends with your x or not, I wish you luck in getting through this. It's definitely not easy. :(

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