Frustrated, confused ... stupid

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Frustrated, confused ... stupid
10
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:11pm

I posted a few weeks ago about an unfortunate run-in with the xMM at the store. He gave me the blank stare and completely ignored my existance. Unfortunately, I let that eat me alive! So I broke three months of NC to chew his ass. I wanted to know that I wasn't just a piece of tail for him.

Well, he said all the right things, made me feel all better and he's still around. I'm so confused and twisted. I've chatted with him on the phone, MSN and e-mail but have avoided seeing him in person. We have a serious physical chemistry and I know my weaknesses.

Last Friday he asked to see me and I said yes. We kissed, but all those feelings are still right there below the surface. It's just one more step and I'm back in this A like I never left.

I know I need to let this go, but what if, what if, what if! What if this is our chance? What if he's really supposed to be mine!

Argh, how does an A get so deep in your brain and eliminate all the brain cells that control reason?

I know the right answer is to tell him to go and restart NC. I just don't want to.

Kick me now. I need it.

--Shel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:14pm
The more you see him, the worse it will get. What started out for me as being just a month long A, has now continued on and is getting more and more hard to end. Take it from me, the more you see him and he is in your life, the harder it is to stay away. Now I need a good kick too, so I can listen to my own advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:59pm

Dear Shel:

Why did you end your A in the first place? What are the things you didn't like about your A? What has changed? It sounds like he was going about his business in the store with his 4 kids and you were going about your business shopping with your DH. What is different now? You know that if you go back or even continue along this path things will just be exactly the same and you didn't like it the way it was--did you? You didn't like yourself that way. don't you like yourself better now whan you are not having an A?

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:24pm

I did what you are doing many times before I really knew it was over for good. The break-up, then hoping he'd say the things I wanted to hear, and I was in it all over again. It was the cycle we did for probably the last year of the A (the A itself lasted nearly 3 years). The last poster asked a good question..what was it that led to the demise of the A?

That's an important question to answer, because if those things are irreparable, then you really do need to cut your losses and move past this. For me, I realized the things about the relationship that I could no longer endure, were never to get any better. Partly, I do not trust him, and without that trust, I will always be questioning him and doubting everything he tells me. The only times things were good between us were when we were in each others arms, which was becoming so rare, it wasn't worth the pain I was feeling. 98% of his time and his life was without me, so why should I put up with all the anguish I was going thru for a lousy 2% of his time?

Weigh the benefits of your A against the bad things that come from it. BUT don't use the excuse that it's too hard to break up as a point to keep the A going. Yes it's hard, but if the A isn't making you feel good anymore, and you're just staying in it because it sucks to let him go, that's not a good enough reason.

Do some serious soul searching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 7:23pm

Shel

"I know I need to let this go, but what if, what if, what if! What if this is our chance? What if he's really supposed to be mine!"

If he was supposted to be yours he would not be MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

Get real would you really want to be married to a CHEATER who you could never in your life trust when your back is turned.

As the old saying goes "WHAT HE WILL DO WITH YOU HE WILL DO TO YOU".

So do you really want to go back to being his DIRTY LITTLE SECRET ???

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 7:27am

<<>>


You started up all over again because your pride couldn't handle this rejection. Just a little food for thought.....


As long as you are both married, *YOU* will not exist to him in the real world, and vice versa. You will be back to sneaking around, text messages, emails, and all the slimey little behind the world's back stuff that you went through before. Nothing has changed.


He says

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:26am

<<>>

What if it is? Is it going to expire? Does it have a sell by date or something? Shel, your chance doesn't even actually START until you're both able to produce signed divorce decrees...

<<>>

And what if a frog had a pocket? He could keep a gun in there to shoot snakes, right? But he doesn't, so he can't, so it doesn't really flippin' matter...

If EITHER of you really believed he was supposed to be yours, then you'd both be putting your money where your mouths are and initiating legal separations, seeking alternative accommodation, coming to agreements about whatever children are involved and filing for divorce.

If you're unwilling to end your own marriage and walk away from whatever conveniences it provides, why on earth would you expect him to do so?

If you can't trust him enough to believe he'll follow suit, you need to listen & listen HARD to those doubts rather than wallowing in the what-if's, coulda's, woulda's and shoulda's...

Put up or shut up time. Poop or hop off that pot.

What's it gonna be?

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:19pm

Thanks for the gut check, ladies!

Since writing this post, I've done a lot of thinking. I appreciate your honest responses, but I knew all those answers deep down. I apparently needed to stew in my own mess before I could finally smell the stink.

I'm getting off the pot. I am not a filthy sponge. I am not a low-priced hooker. I am not a temporary ego boast. I am not an "untouchable" who cannot be seen or discussed in public.

The reason we split is because I wanted a legitimate, above-the-board relationship. He did not. I cannot, and will not settle for less this time. By allowing this to continue, I'm telling him that is ok to treat me like his toy, personal whore or concubine. I wouldn't allow my husband to treat me that way, why should I let a man who is NOT and will NEVER be my husband do it.

I will not continue to "What If" myself to death. I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to obsess anymore. I don't want this anymore.

I'm sorry it took me this long to realize my own self worth.

Say goodnight, Gracie. I'm done with this crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:45pm

Hiya Shel,

Your worth shines out from your posts. I'm glad you're beginning to see it for yourself.

Welcome aboard the Clue Train, poppet, you'll find yourself in good company.

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 3:51pm

I've read about this moment from other posters, when the bubble bursts or the film falls from your eyes.

It's much better in person. It's like letting the air out of your lungs after you've been holding it in for so long. I feel lighter, healthier and calmer. I don't care if I hear from him today, tomorrow or anytime soon.

I don't want to know what he is doing and I don't want him to know what I'm doing. I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I just want him to go away.

Now I only wish I could share this enlightenment with all the posters who are still struggling with the missing, the what ifs and the loss. This makes it so much easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:09pm

shel,
<<<< I don't want to know what he is doing and I don't want him to know what I'm doing. I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I just want him to go away.>>>>>
I love this! Very well put.
Isn't this the best feeling ever. I swear when I had this epiphany, the feelings it brought to me was unexplainable. I wanted to shout from the rooftops "I'm Free at last, thank goddess almighty I'm free at last"
Just remember this feeling, this clarity and let it pull you through.
By posting what you just wrote I think you are definitely impacting a lot of the gals/guys on here that are still sitting on that old fence.

Hugs to you!
~nuttmeg