Future fears

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Future fears
7
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 11:10am

Greetings-

OK, FOR THE MOST PART, I am at indifference. I'm 2 months+ post-a and am at peace, for the most part. I accept my responsibility and take ownership of my actions, for the most part.

Considering the frighteningly dark place that was those first few weeks post-a, I think I'm doing pretty well. I am able to jump on here when able and offer some suggestions and hope for newbies who have the freshest of wounds....yet....even though, for the most part, I'm doing well, I still feel hypocritical because I will offer up hopeful advice and then the next day will be at what feels like Square One again.

I guess what I'm wondering is...is this how it will ALWAYS be? For those of you that are years out, does this still happen? Will the out-of-nowhere pain continue forever (obviously much less frequent)? Will I EVER be at a point where I can make a comment about feeling positive and healed from my a experience without having to add "for the most part." Because I had the a, it feels a little like it has defined me and my emotions-feels like I am forever changed, which obviously isn't a bad thing as it will deter me from future trouble. I have definitely learned a lot from this experience, but need to know if it is unrealistic to feel wholly good, wholly positive. Any thoughts?

Hope everyone is well! I really AM doing well!...I'm just thinking and looking at my future from a "big picture" perspective and don't want the a to define me-too much to expect....or even want?

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 12:09pm

Free,
Have you experience the death of a close family member or friend?
I think of the recovery/mourning of an A the same way I view the mourning process one goes through with a death. Certainly NOT like the A was precious and missed like one would a loved one, but in that there was a tragic event that happened to us that we must go forward always with the feelings of that event resurfacing. Over time, the intensity of the mourning lessens but it will always be there. Over time, we learn that life goes on and we can cope. I feel like the A was the death of my innocence, in a way. Like Adam eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The death of my father while I was in my early 20s was the most tragic thing that has ever happened to me. It was also the death, sort of, of my innocence. Almost 20 year later, I can say with hindsight that tragic events always change us, shape up, and give us a wisdom that can guide our lives for the better.

My father taught me that even pain can be beautiful, it all depends on what you do with it.

You're bettering yourself through this process, not letting it defeat you; certainly you will survive and be able to share with the world the wisdom you've earned through hard knocks. It's a tough row to hoe, but you can do it.

Blessings,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 2:35pm

Dee,


I love your posts.

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 2:41pm

SNIFF!! tears tears tears. thank you!!!!
Great. now my mascara is f'd.

xoxo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 3:03pm

Free,

I related to what you said...at six weeks post d-days I now have a bit less "trauma" sensation and more times of being in the moment of my life. In my case, with it having been a long distance A, I feel like the more time that passes, it's like being in a boat and watching the land get smaller and smaller as you move.

I don't miss the ugliness of the A--the being glued to the phone, the anxiety and depression, the unpredictablity of my own emotions, my jealousy, etc. I'm left with just a different sense of "being". Almost like I have morphed into a new way. Not good or bad. Just a different version of me. Maybe that is what grief does.

I lost my dad 4 years ago. In my own case, the grieving was much different. It was more primal, more like losing a part of yourself. In the case of losing this A, the grief feels so different. More gripping, achey, and intense when it hits. My H said one day to me that I have grieved more over this xMM than I did with my dad in his eyes. I really had to think about that.

I know in my support group that I attend with my T, there are people 2 and 3 years out of their A's and they feel a slight longing still. Not one of running back, but certainly one of wanting those positive loving sensations. The difference I guess is they simply never ever act on those feelings.

I think it is normal to feel a sense of wondering what the future will hold. Life has changed dramatically for most of us. I read somewhere that it helps to visualize a ball of yarn being unrolled daily, a bit at a time, rather than how we did it in the A, where the whole ball unrolled, tangled, knotted, and it was hard to redo.

((hugs))

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 3:52pm

Hi FC,


I am 2.5 years out. This summer it will be 3 yrs!


I believe the simple summary of what you are asking is: If when you reach indifference,

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 10:40pm

I understand where you are coming from Free. I thought I'd be so much further ahead by now (over 3 months almost all NC). Some days I think I'll never fully recover from this yet there are days when I am happy and fully enjoying the moment when I'm in it and not thinking about what xAP would say or think, or how I'd can't wait to tell him about whatever. I also do NOT miss having those anxious stomach clenching feelings when I'd think about US and what we were doing.

Although, my recent discovery has set me back quite a bit. The new information makes me feel so stupid that I didn't realize, even though I had the benefit of reading all the affair boards, that I was being deceived. When I think about how I was devalued...well, depending on the day I'm either extremely down or extremely angry. I feel I could have made a much better decision if I'd had access to all the information that was withheld or camouflaged. It was bad enough that he ended it with a Dear Jane email a couple of hours before I was to go out to celebrate my birthday after a previous email which asked me what he should get me for my birthday. If that doesn't make you feel worthless... Now, I see that I was emotionally manipulated into being available when he was free. This is a difficult realization and I'm taking it a day at a time. Someday, I will get over this hurt but I'm raw and in pain today.

It's not that I'm deflecting all responsibility on him though, I realize my part in it and could have stopped at any time. I have freewill, I know that. I so wished I hadn't broken NC last Easter when I had been the one who initiated it. I would have been well on the road to recovery and I wouldn't have had to go through these additional feelings of worthlessness and stupidity.

I'm such a fool,
NewDawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 6:32am

((Free))


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Sometimes you

   ~Iddy~