Gaining a Clear Perspective
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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:23pm |
I have not posted for awhile, but I have been keeping up with what's going on here at EAAS. I will not repeat the gory details of my A, but basically, I had a 10 mo. physical and emotional rebound A after I discovered that my DW had a 9 mo. emotional A. My DW stopped her EA in July after my A was discovered. Since July, the OW and I have tried many times to end it, but we have never been successful. We even went 4 1/2 months without physical contact, but we still maintained our relationship. I am now at a cross-roads. On Mon. my DW has asked that I either stop communicating with the OW and devote my love and energy to my M, or go to the OW full-time. It's a perfectly reasonable request, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would demand the same thing. Ironically, the OW and I had also thought that NC was needed for awhile in order for some clear thinking to prevail.
The problem with this "reasonable request" is that the OW and I are deeply in love, and cutting off all form(s) of contact is making me miserable beyond description. The OW received her divorce 2 weeks ago, and would like to be with me. We both know that for me to make a decision to: a) divorce my wife; and b) start a new relationship with the OW, leading to marriage, requires me to have a full and clear perspective on what the two relationships are really all about. The absolute worst thing I could do would be to leave my wife and family (2 kids 16 and 14), start a full-time relationship with the OW, and then 6 mo, 1 yr., or whenever, realize that I made a mistake, and want my old life back. So, the OW and I have agreed that in order for me to get a clear perspective there will be NC until early April. At that time we will talk, and I will let her know where my M stands, and where the future might go.
Right now I am having a real problem at home. I am depressed beyond belief (already on meds) and feel guilty about not being a better H and father. I can't fake it, though. I know that the pain will eventually ease (at least that's what all the posters on this board say,) and hopefully, through NC I will be able to see what is real and not real.
Has anyone on here tried this approach to gain a clear perspective? Will it work? Any advice on how to pull it off?

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It is the *ONLY* way to gain a clear perspective. NC. Period.
Nuts, it's funny that you used the word "real." That's what finally did it for me. Every morning I would wake up in a sort of panic and have to figure out what was real. I couldn't go on like that.
NC has worked for me (about a month now). I know you can do it! Everything I have heard reinforces the fact that you can't run from your marriage straight to your AP. Even if you ultimately end up with your AP, I believe you would always have guilt and "what-ifs" if you didn't try 100% to save your marriage. I am giving my marriage one year of honest work and commitment to see if we can work out our problems and I can figure out what made me seek the affair. At this point, I truly believe my DH and I will stay together.
I worry that since you left that "door" open with your AP, promising you'd talk to her in April, you might not be able to really let go of her and give everything to your DW. As someone said in another thread, there's no expiration date. If you give it your all and your marriage fails, then if it's meant to be for you and xAP to be together, it will work out. It's also not fair to ask her to wait to get on with her life. If you truly love her, you would want what's best for her.
deceived,
Thanks for your reply and thoughts. You wrote:
>I worry that since you left that "door" open with your AP, promising you'd talk to her in April, you might not be able to really let go of her and give everything to your DW. As someone said in another thread, there's no expiration date. If you give it your all and your marriage fails, then if it's meant to be for you and xAP to be together, it will work out. It's also not fair to ask her to wait to get on with her life. If you truly love her, you would want what's best for her.<
That's a valid point you make. Yet, if our marriage can't be repaired, I want a relationship with the OW, and that is what she wants as well. I have absolutely no desire to be single again and "play the field." I love the OW and would want to commit myself completely to her, but ONLY if I am certain that my M is not going to make it.
Yes, I agree, two months is not a long time, and I agree with you, it is not fair to make her wait for me while I sort out my marital issues. In April, if I think that my love for my W is more than that for the OW, then I will tell her that, and hope that she finds happiness. She is willing to wait. It was as much her idea as mine.
Maybe my thinking is all wrong here? I don't know what else to do.
Good luck!
Goingnuts,
I have a question that may or may not pertain to your post. My question is, do you WANT your marriage to work? Are you going back into it with an honest effort to TRY to salvage your marriage? Are you HOPING to find that love you once had for your W? The reason I don't think you will work things out with her is because it seems you already pretty much know where your heart is. I think you're doing the right thing by sticking around there but I don't know if you're really willing to do significant work to rebuild your marriage. You can't do that in 2 months. It's almost as if you're just hanging out, waiting for something to kick you off the fence and make the decision for you. If that's the case, you might as well go to OW because I think you will end up there anyway. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing if it's your heart that takes you there. As for not knowing if it will work out between the 2 of you, well that's just a chance you'd have to take. Have you thought of maybe separating from your W AND your OW for a period of time? Maybe if you're away from them BOTH, you can figure out where you belong?
I don't think I've really helped you gain perspective but these were just a few things that popped into my mind when I read your post. Good luck!
Pal
I got a D several months ago. Me and my MM tried several times to break things off but we were never successful. We just couldn't do it, we are too much in love.
We would go months without a physical R, but we still maintained contact. We could just never bring ourselves to total NC. It was just too hard.
I finally decided I couldn't live a lie anymore, so I pursued a D.
Our A started up again and went on for several months.
He was still torn about what to do, stay or go. He also has 2 kids and is having a hard time coming to terms with leaving them and moving out. He feels that he would be abandoning them.
Just recently, I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and told him not to contact me until he has filed for D. It had just gone on too long. Too much fence sitting. We talked later after that and decided it was the best thing to have NC so he could figure out what he wanted. So far, NC hasn't really happened. We haven't seen each other, but we have talked constantly. We tried for a couple days, but missed each other so much that we started talking again. I feel like we are in the same place we started now. I don't want to mess this up this time. I feel like this is our last chance. Like you, we are so much in love we don't want to continue NC. I know that we have to though.
So this is where I'm at right now. Trying to maintain NC but failing miserably.
I would love for you to email me sometime and hear your perspective on things. Maybe you can help me understand him better and what he is going through. It seems that we are in the same situation right now.
The same cross-roads.
Hope to hear from you soon.
goingnuts, I truly understand how you feel, but please be fair to this woman and let her go totally so you can truly work on your marriage, and in the process she can move on.
I was in love with someone who was married. It was an emotional affair (nothing else), and I hated how he was guilty from just that. I hated that guilt, and I didn't want him to feel that way anymore.
I loved him so much that I stopped talking to him one day. It broke me apart, and I hated to do it, but I loved him that much that I had to do it.
He has a wife, and I needed to let him work on his marriage. As long as I was there - he was torn.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, and sometimes I miss him so much that I still want to e-mail him, but I won't.
The fact that I did the right thing in the end (by stopping all contact with him) is the ONLY thing that brings me some small comfort when I'm sad and missing him.
Your OW (and you) need to go through a process of letting go. I know it's hard (NO JOKE), but it's a very fair thing to do.
I really wish you the best, and I hope you make a comforting decision, cause I know it's hard.
Pal,
Your points are valid. You're right, my heart is currently with the OW, and if I had my druthers, I'd be with her. However, there is still a tiny, little logical chunk working in my brain that tells me that I need to gain a clearer perspective before making a decision that will alter the lives of a lot of people. I picture in my mind the scene where I tell my kids that I will not be living with them anymore, and it just about makes me sick. Yet, at this point, I can't imagine not being with the OW. I love her so much, and miss her so terribly (and it's only been 3 days of NC....)
I think the key is recapturing the romantic passion with my DW. Someone suggested the marriage builders web site. I will try to find it, and hopefully will come up with some ideas that can aid in this process. If anyone here has any suggestions on recapturing romantic love, I'm all ears. Believe me, I really do love my DW of 22 years, but it's such a different kind of love than I have for the OW.
I know that it HAS to get easier, because it certainly can't get any harder.
Thanks.
goingnuts,
It is hard, but if you really want to make it work - you can.
Make today the 1st day of your 'new marriage'.
Go home today with a new attitude that you are going to make your marriage work. Throw away everything that happened before today. I'm not being cruel towards the OW. I just mean to block out everything that happened before today.
Sorry to say, but this means that you will have to TOTALLY cut off contact with the OW. In fact, if you write her - that is still contact. You and she need to make a clean break. At this point - don't worry about her feelings - this is about YOU and YOUR WIFE.
Sit your wife down and tell her that you want to start over again, and if she's willing - so are you. You will know right then by her answer what you need to do.
If she's willing - start to court your wife like you two just met. In those days, it was just you and her. You two can get to know each other again. In the years you've married - you two have grown and changed. Learn about those things from each other.
Men can compartmentalize, and men are goal oriented. You say you love your wife. Put the OW in the 'past' compartment, and make it your goal to make your marriage work.
You seem like a nice guy who is truly torn - I really feel for you, and I do so wish you luck.
Be happy. Kat
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