Gaining a Clear Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Gaining a Clear Perspective
31
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:23pm

I have not posted for awhile, but I have been keeping up with what's going on here at EAAS. I will not repeat the gory details of my A, but basically, I had a 10 mo. physical and emotional rebound A after I discovered that my DW had a 9 mo. emotional A. My DW stopped her EA in July after my A was discovered. Since July, the OW and I have tried many times to end it, but we have never been successful. We even went 4 1/2 months without physical contact, but we still maintained our relationship. I am now at a cross-roads. On Mon. my DW has asked that I either stop communicating with the OW and devote my love and energy to my M, or go to the OW full-time. It's a perfectly reasonable request, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would demand the same thing. Ironically, the OW and I had also thought that NC was needed for awhile in order for some clear thinking to prevail.

The problem with this "reasonable request" is that the OW and I are deeply in love, and cutting off all form(s) of contact is making me miserable beyond description. The OW received her divorce 2 weeks ago, and would like to be with me. We both know that for me to make a decision to: a) divorce my wife; and b) start a new relationship with the OW, leading to marriage, requires me to have a full and clear perspective on what the two relationships are really all about. The absolute worst thing I could do would be to leave my wife and family (2 kids 16 and 14), start a full-time relationship with the OW, and then 6 mo, 1 yr., or whenever, realize that I made a mistake, and want my old life back. So, the OW and I have agreed that in order for me to get a clear perspective there will be NC until early April. At that time we will talk, and I will let her know where my M stands, and where the future might go.

Right now I am having a real problem at home. I am depressed beyond belief (already on meds) and feel guilty about not being a better H and father. I can't fake it, though. I know that the pain will eventually ease (at least that's what all the posters on this board say,) and hopefully, through NC I will be able to see what is real and not real.

Has anyone on here tried this approach to gain a clear perspective? Will it work? Any advice on how to pull it off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:17pm

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:42pm

Hey Nuts...

You may be going nuts, but I've been there and back, so believe me, I TRULY understand what you're going through.

My story is similar to yours in some ways. DH had a one-night stand (although I believe there had been others, though I've never been able to get him to admit to it), I found about it through an empty box of condoms. Fast forward four years. I had affair with MM. It truly wasn't a revenge thing, just a lot of sexual frustration, lonliness and other problems that were the catalysts. Intended for it to be just a physical thing, as did he, but we grew to really care for one another. Affair lasted a little over a year, with me attempting to cut it off a few times in between. We officially ended it in September. My DH and I then separated. Thus far, I have been successful in keeping it that way, although we have spoken a couple of times in between then and now. But I have not returned to the affair. I suspect he would, but I have not. For me, the only thing that worked was the NC. Though we have talked like I said, that has only been a couple of times in January. And that was simply because of a connection with a mutual friend. I didn't seek it out. He just happened to call a couple of times when I was with our friend. I still consider us as having essentially NC since we weren't "hooking up", either by phone or in person. NC truly is the only thing you can do. Especially for you. My affair partner and I never got ourselves to the point of discussing running off with one another. You have. That's why it's essential that you have NO contact with her in order to make a sound judgement. Having any contact just keeps those fires burning. You need to be able to really look at your wife and figure out if you still love her or not. It's real easy to paint our affair partners up in our minds because we don't have the same history OR relationship with them that we have with our spouses. It's easy to see all their glowing qualities because we haven't gotten a chance to see their negative ones. It's all such romance and physical pleasure. Take that away and look at the totallity of your life before you make any rash decisions.

I know it's hard. Listen, I was nuts about my affair partner. Physically, there was no comparison. We just had that "it" factor. And I so enjoyed being with him. But we both had other lives, and you just can't cancel them out and throw them away. If I could get over him, you can get over her, or, at the least, stay away from her for awhile until you figure out just what IS going on with you. Give yourself that chance. To not do so would do an injustice to both of them because you could feasibly leave and then realize you made a huge error and be up the creek.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:54pm

Whisper,

Thanks for the kind words and the good advice. It's interesting you mention to not even send a letter to the OW. When the OW and I said our goodbyes on Mon., she gave me 3 cards. One was a "goodbye for now card," one was a Valentine's Day card (which I can't open until the 14th,) and one was to be opened when I am having a "very bad day." I could have opened that last card within 8 hours of our separation, but so far I have held out. Anyhow, I really want to send her a Valentine's Day card. I would try to keep it simple, and would ask that she not contact me in response to it, especially since she already gave me a Valentine. I know the veterans here will tell me that this is a bad idea, but I have a burning desire just to make the Valentine situation fair, and to let her know that I am thinking about her.

On the heels of that confession, I agree that I need to start the courting process with my wife of 22 years, again. I wish that I could compartmentalize and put the OW out of my mind while I attempt this, but unfortunately that is not how my brain works.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:18pm

gn -

I did not read through all the posts, but I want to tell you from my experience you cannot gain a clear perspective in a short time frame. (At least I could not.) I went through withdrawal from my XMM and it lasted several months.

We had NC for about 5 months. He would em once in a blue moon, but I would ignore it or keep my reply very short. It is what was needed to get out of the fog.

My advice to you is to steer clear of the OW for as long as you need. It will not be easy, in fact, it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life if you are anything like me.

But let me tell you it's what worked. I am now able to talk to my XMM with no feelings being generated. (We work together so I wanted to be able to at least talk to him once in a while against advice from my therapist).

I do get afraid sometimes that if we go to lunch, or anything alone, that one of us is going to say or do something that will start the A all over again. But I'm doing my best to keep my distance (even physically when we talk.)

Good luck to you, and take all the time you need. You don't want to screw up your M if it's not what you really want to do. And you have kids, so they are going to get hurt if they find out.

I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:48pm

<<>>

When I realized this, that there was more pain being IN the relationship then the pain in letting it go, that's when I could see a whole lot more clearly. Took me about 18 months of a nearly 3 year A to get my vision back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:01pm

Believe me, I know how you feel about sending that card, and why you want to do it.

What she did was nice, but if you and she were saying goodbye, and were serious about it - why give you a "goodbye for now' card? LOL
That leaves the door open.
Most people don't give Valentine's day cards to people we are telling goodbye to....LOL
AND - that letter to be opened when you're having a bad day - everytime you read that letter - you will think of her, and if you are truly wanting to rebuild with your wife - you can't do that, and it's not fair to the rebuilding process.

I'm not beating up on the OW. In fact, I sympathize with her in a way.

I understand what you're trying to do, and it's great that you want her to know you're thinking about her. BUT, sending her a card that indicates 'love' (Valentines day card), then cutting her off is kinda.....mean...ya know?

You can perhaps write her a quick:
----------------------------------
Dear (her name),

I want you to know you're a great person, and you are very special. It's because of that, I'm not being fair to you by continuing to be in your life. I am married, and as such I can't offer you what you need in your life.

I want/need to concentrate on my marriage, and I need to devote 100% to that.
It's not fair to you if I do that, AND continue to have contact with you. I'm sure that since you want me happy - you'd agree.

This action is not because of anything you did or didn't do. This is something that I need to do for my marriage and myself.

I hope you take care of yourself, and I wish you much happiness in your future.

Signed you.
Don't put 'Love', etc....just sign it with your name.
---------------------------------

The minute you send it - block her, and/or delete the e-mail addresses. Block her from calling, and totally eliminate her being able to contact you.

I'm sorry that I'm sounding cruel towards her. I'm not meaning to, and I know this letter might seem cold, but you need to totally shut the door if you want to truly work on your marriage.
You can't leave it open even a crack - if you continue to write her, etc.....it will go on and on.

I understand about the compartmentalizing. I stereotyped men when I said that (LOL).

But really though - I know it's hard. Even though I'm seeming rational about this - I've been there with the myriad of feelings, and I honestly know how hard it is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 11:13am

Nuts:

Doesn't sound to me like you're having NC. You don't start that NC out by giving someone three cards, one of which is a Valentine's card. That is simply playing the game. Not that I'm saying she is being manipulative (although she probably is to some degree), or has bad intentions. But it isn't following the NC. It just isn't. If you truly want to figure things out, my advice to you is to throw away the cards without even reading them. Seriously. To read them is to just be getting sucked in. If things don't work out with your wife, and you end up with this person, believe me, they'll be time for more cards in the future. Kind of look at it like this....the OW is like alcohol to an alcoholic. As long as you keep drinking it, you will keep wanting it. But if you separate yourself from it for a period of time, the desire wanes. Throwing the cards away would be akin to dumping a bottle down the drain. Give it a try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 12:10pm
On the money advice, and although difficult to do, it really is the only way to clear the affair fog debris. IOW, no wiggle room. Definitely "TOSS" the cards.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:08pm
Wow, I couldn't do that. The curiousity would haunt me the rest of my life. Just as an unopened email would. Maybe that works for some people, but it would eat at me more than if I just opened it up and read the damn thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:28pm

I guess it all depends on what a person *needs* to accomplish. Since GoingNutts want perspective, how about this:

Read the cards now....1, 2, 3. NOW....toss them. Realisitically, life has the potential of changing every single day. By Valentines Day, his OW may be in a completely different mindset. She could even meet someone new by then. And so here's GN, opening up a card that was given to him when everything was still mushy gushy, and guess what? The words no longer pertain to the situation. OK, I know this sounds like a long stretch, but for me, my mind and attitude changed around the clock when I ended my affair. I loved him, I hated him, I'm done, I can't do this, whatever. BUT, out of nowhere I suddenly woke up one day and *MADE* the decision that I was COMPLETELY THROUGH. If there was a letter or a card from a week ago laying around for XMM to read, everything he would feel would be false and meaningless on my end, while on his end he is hopeful again.

In order to gain any insight, and truth, and control, a person has to live in the *NOW*. That's why dwelling on old cards, letters, emails, whatever, is fruitless to exisiting in real time life, and why so many of you cannot let go.

If Goingnuts want perspective, he has to open that window WIDE so he can gain as much as possible. Putting a 2 month time limit on it is ridiculous. It's only a flash in the pan for gaining anything in a positive way. Add to that some cards to be opened conditionally in an supposed unconditional situation? You might as well slam that window back down and just walk backwards into the past. Enjoy that "BEING STUCK" feeling all over again.

Id