Gaining a Clear Perspective
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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:23pm |
I have not posted for awhile, but I have been keeping up with what's going on here at EAAS. I will not repeat the gory details of my A, but basically, I had a 10 mo. physical and emotional rebound A after I discovered that my DW had a 9 mo. emotional A. My DW stopped her EA in July after my A was discovered. Since July, the OW and I have tried many times to end it, but we have never been successful. We even went 4 1/2 months without physical contact, but we still maintained our relationship. I am now at a cross-roads. On Mon. my DW has asked that I either stop communicating with the OW and devote my love and energy to my M, or go to the OW full-time. It's a perfectly reasonable request, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would demand the same thing. Ironically, the OW and I had also thought that NC was needed for awhile in order for some clear thinking to prevail.
The problem with this "reasonable request" is that the OW and I are deeply in love, and cutting off all form(s) of contact is making me miserable beyond description. The OW received her divorce 2 weeks ago, and would like to be with me. We both know that for me to make a decision to: a) divorce my wife; and b) start a new relationship with the OW, leading to marriage, requires me to have a full and clear perspective on what the two relationships are really all about. The absolute worst thing I could do would be to leave my wife and family (2 kids 16 and 14), start a full-time relationship with the OW, and then 6 mo, 1 yr., or whenever, realize that I made a mistake, and want my old life back. So, the OW and I have agreed that in order for me to get a clear perspective there will be NC until early April. At that time we will talk, and I will let her know where my M stands, and where the future might go.
Right now I am having a real problem at home. I am depressed beyond belief (already on meds) and feel guilty about not being a better H and father. I can't fake it, though. I know that the pain will eventually ease (at least that's what all the posters on this board say,) and hopefully, through NC I will be able to see what is real and not real.
Has anyone on here tried this approach to gain a clear perspective? Will it work? Any advice on how to pull it off?

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id,
Thanks for the response. One thing that you have to remember though, is you said,
>>OK, BUT, out of nowhere I suddenly woke up one day and *MADE* the decision that I was COMPLETELY THROUGH. <<
This waking up and realizing that you were through is what enabled you to be so strong and do what you needed, right? I have not had this "awakening" yet. I'm not saying that it can't or won't happen, but for right now all I am feeling is sadness and lonliness because I still want to be with the OW. The only reason we are doing the NC is so I can decide if I want to stay with my DW or be with the OW. We all agree that being in the middle offers no viable future.
You also pointed out:
>>If Goingnuts want perspective, he has to open that window WIDE so he can gain as much as possible. Putting a 2 month time limit on it is ridiculous. It's only a flash in the pan for gaining anything in a positive way. Add to that some cards to be opened conditionally in an supposed unconditional situation? You might as well slam that window back down and just walk backwards into the past. Enjoy that "BEING STUCK" feeling all over again.<<
Fair enough, but how long are you supposed to wait? I won't ask the OW to wait for me for an undetermined length of time; that's not fair to her. It may be that 2 months isn't long enough and if that is the case, I will tell the OW to not wait for me while I search for answers.
I think that if you truly love the OW or OM, then it is pretty damn hard to go strict NC for 6 mos. to a year and then compare notes as to where the relationship stands. Right now, it's been 4 days, and that seems like an eternity....
<<>>
And thus the purppse of NC. During this time, that "awakening" has a far better chance at arriving; when their are NO affair variables knocking at your heart. You have to first clear the path that leads to the road ahead, in order to see it.
<<>>>
So am I to assume that NC has not yet started? Because of it has, you don't need to ask her anything. You see, that is why it really isn't NC for you. Because the essence of NC, in order to succeed, actually mean NCE (No Contact EVER)!! But that is just too difficult for broken hearts to grasp even if it's what it really means. So in your situation, 2 months is a condition you have placed on an unconditional process.
If you *need* to ask/tell her anything (breaking NC ?), ask/tell her to please live her life to the fullest with the possiblility that you many no longer be in it, because right now, *YOU* really don't know otherwise, do you?
Nuts,
I really feel for you, this is such a hard place to be. One thing to remember (again) is your wife and what you owe her. The NC is as much for her as for you and OW. You made a commitment to your wife on your wedding day and she deserves a "fair shot." Obviously it's up to her to decide what she can and can't live with, but there's no way you can give her 100% if you still talk to OW, even just a little. It's not fair to her and OW should also respect that. Your loyalties should first lie with your family and trying your best to see if you can still save it.
That's exactly the place I am right now and it's hard; I miss my xMM so much. But I knew I could never live with myself if I didn't give my marriage a true try.
I'm going to go against the grain here, so my response is going to be an unpopular one.
I re-read your original post, and although only YOU can ultimately decide what to do, the way you've expressed your love regarding the OW, I think you've got your answer. Everyone says stay, work on the marriage, stay for the kids..I will never be convinced that is the thing to do. Staying out of obligation is the worst reason you could give me for staying in a marriage. If I were to ever find out my H was staying with me because he made a vow 20 years ago, or even if it were "for the kids", I'd tell him "don't do me any favors" and start filing for a divorce.
If your heart is no longer in your marriage, which it sounds like it isn't, I think you owe it to yourself to go find your happiness. You said your wife had already had a emotional A, so it sounds like both of you are just going through the motions. HOWEVER, if you are as severly depressed as you sound, it's very difficult to make a sound judgement on this. I contimplated a divorce a year ago (my H didn't even know I was unhappy), but at that time, I was going thru a severe depression and I wasn't thinkign clearly. That, plus having someone else that you are thinking about 24/7, doesn't help make your decision any easier.
My advise is to get a hold of your depression, stay away from OW for now, and do some serious re-thinking over what it is you want. But I think you already know what that is.
Actually Pup, I agree with both of your posts here.
(Open the damn cards already) & ( I think he really does know his answer...just grappling with the kids issue).
He does sound like an intelligent, AND emotionally intuned man. He has tried. If done right... with logic and compassion and intelligence and a good grip on reality and (in this order in my opinion) kids, his wife, himself, and his love...he can be happy again without major fallout. Perhaps with professional GUIDANCE (therapy if you want to call it..i think counseling is better suited for the family too)and it sounds like he has the financial means to actually provide GOOD HELPFUL and HEALTHY means to all eventually being ok. That is fortunate..utilize that.
Just my opinion,
Lizzie
Don't stay if there is nothing left, children will adapt nad if your not happy your spouse can not be happy either, I know I told earlier when I made that comment that if I did'nt here that from her mouth then I don't know that, but I do , common sense If one partner is not happy it shows and they other partner does not float around all smiles when H/W is unhappy just because the emotional happiness is no longer there!!!!!!!! I know been there done that.
Any way I guess i got on a soap box but not all men are liers and some are good men trying to do what is right and becaome confused. If your that unhappy and that much in love with the person your suppose to be with, give your spouse the chance to happy too with some one who can love them the way they deserve to be loved to.
Kat
<<>>
I went back and read your post you were referring to kat..and I wholeheartedly agree with what you wrote above. I tell people that exact statement all the time. Life is too damn short, do what it takes to make yourself happy, but try to go about it the right way.
Thanks for the response. Yours, and many others made a lot of sense, and were helpful. I would like to tell you that I am regaining strength, and the NC has already started to help me gain perspective. However,the reality of the situation is I/we only made it 4 days. She drove by my office (small town) while I was outside, we waved at each other, pretty soon I get a text message, I respond, and you can guess the rest....
Of course, we both felt better at the time, but we both know it is just a temporary relief. She wants me 24/7, but I can't give her that without me being sure that I won't regret my decision sometime in the future. I still love my DW, and of course there are the kids.
Unless I chain myself to a wall in my basement, I know I will see her around town. It's inevitable. My kids are in high school, so I don't want to move them, otherwise I would seriously consider moving away.
The OW brings so much love, joy, and happiness into my life that I lack the strength to be strong! Over 26 yrs. I had the discipline and strength to never so much as kiss another woman. Now, when I should be wiser and more mature I act like a foolish, love-struck teenager.
I still believe that somehow I will get through this wiser and ultimately a better person. But, right now, I feel like a wishy-washy failure, with no hope of doing the footwork necessary to make the right decision.
Thanks for listening and the advice.
<<>>
He used to do that to me too..drive by my window at work, during the time I was pulling away and he was trying to remain in my life. All that has since stopped because he's realized that, although it would result in a phone call or text message, thereby giving us a few moments of satisfaction, that it wasn't helping the overall situation at all and I wasn't coming back. So those drive-bys only were extending the pain.
<<>>
Same here, I went over 15 years being faithful, never would consider any type of betrayal whatsoever, only to go on to have not one, but two very intense affairs.
<<>>
Most of us here are wishy-washy failures as we go back and forth between wanting what we cannot have, and learning to let go. Took me about 18 mos. of that back and forth before the realization that neither of my relationships are working very well...not with my H, and not with my XMM.
You'll get there, in your own time.
Hi Nuts
No contact is in your best interest BUT you left the door open. 2 months is not enough time to figure out your emotions. You have a family who obviously need you and teenagers who are in a very needy time of both parents. I speak on behalf of my 16 yr old. Is she really worth loosing the respect of your children? If you have love for your wife and she is willing to work things through than go for it. FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT. As long as there is love and determination on both parties You could probably help each other out and get through the tuff time in your lives.
Good Luck. I wish you lots of strenght and peace in your decision making.
Ladybug
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