Gaining a Clear Perspective
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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:23pm |
I have not posted for awhile, but I have been keeping up with what's going on here at EAAS. I will not repeat the gory details of my A, but basically, I had a 10 mo. physical and emotional rebound A after I discovered that my DW had a 9 mo. emotional A. My DW stopped her EA in July after my A was discovered. Since July, the OW and I have tried many times to end it, but we have never been successful. We even went 4 1/2 months without physical contact, but we still maintained our relationship. I am now at a cross-roads. On Mon. my DW has asked that I either stop communicating with the OW and devote my love and energy to my M, or go to the OW full-time. It's a perfectly reasonable request, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would demand the same thing. Ironically, the OW and I had also thought that NC was needed for awhile in order for some clear thinking to prevail.
The problem with this "reasonable request" is that the OW and I are deeply in love, and cutting off all form(s) of contact is making me miserable beyond description. The OW received her divorce 2 weeks ago, and would like to be with me. We both know that for me to make a decision to: a) divorce my wife; and b) start a new relationship with the OW, leading to marriage, requires me to have a full and clear perspective on what the two relationships are really all about. The absolute worst thing I could do would be to leave my wife and family (2 kids 16 and 14), start a full-time relationship with the OW, and then 6 mo, 1 yr., or whenever, realize that I made a mistake, and want my old life back. So, the OW and I have agreed that in order for me to get a clear perspective there will be NC until early April. At that time we will talk, and I will let her know where my M stands, and where the future might go.
Right now I am having a real problem at home. I am depressed beyond belief (already on meds) and feel guilty about not being a better H and father. I can't fake it, though. I know that the pain will eventually ease (at least that's what all the posters on this board say,) and hopefully, through NC I will be able to see what is real and not real.
Has anyone on here tried this approach to gain a clear perspective? Will it work? Any advice on how to pull it off?

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Dear Nuts,
Your between a rock and a hard place.. I feel for you! I do have one question, did your wife ever make you feel the way the OW does? ever???
I have never had a "physical" affair, but I did have an emotional one, a boy from my teenage years, 20+ years ago. We are both married to others. We have NC, I miss him. I think of him every day... every day. I know he thinks of me.
It is sad to think of my self "pining" for someone other then my husband. I stay for him and the kids, what will happen in 5, 10 or 20 years.... will I still be pining.....
If you choose to leave your wife.... then leave her, not the kids... and 6 months or a 1 AFTER the divorce.... then see the OW. If the OW loves you as much as you love her... she will still be "driving by"................
Good Luck!
Murf
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