Gas lighting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Gas lighting?
3
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:57pm

Hello,
Last night was my first appt with my therapist. I described what he has been doing over the last two years (back and forth about the divorce, using my unhappiness as a reason for him delaying it because he didn't feel secure - though he was causing my unhappiness). Most of my friends have the usual comments - he is confused, he is a jerk, he is a liar and is going back to his wife or has a new woman. The therapist however said something totally different. She said it sounds like he is using a technique called gas lighting which is from an old movie where the object is to make the other person basically doubt themselves so much and start to lose their mind. In my situation, he is doing this by causing my unhappiness and then using it to justify why we are not together. Because he will not tell me its over but will not commit to me, he is keeping me in a little box, a mental prison. As soon I as I start to feel better, he keeps coming back with promises and then as soon as I go back to him, he withdraws. Right now, he has said he will return on June 4th (she found it interesting that he keeps giving specific dates) and since he said that his phone and Blackberry have been off. She believes he has knocked me off balance and my center is very off balance (new age, I know). I didn't understand what he would have to gain from this since I was already totally commited to him but its all about control I learned. Its not a rational thing and I guess I cant understand what is driving someone to do these things to me. I didn't get any real answers but it was interesting. The thing is, he is one of the nicest guys, which makes it very difficult to think he could be purposely (consciously or unconsciously) trying to bring me down. But I guess maybe I don;t really know him? Its all very confusing. We've had NC for a week and a half now and I am feelng better. Out of curiousity I did try his numbers and they are still off. Its all very bizarre to me. But I am starting to think that there is somethign seriously mentally wrong with him. Can you be with someone for two years and be so totally wrong about them? Why do I keep getting involved with people with such serious problems?

Sigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:18pm

IVY

The average Narcissit "SEEMS" nice and can be very charming but they also tend to be very manipulative as well, they often play the PUSH ME PULL ME game with people (pull you in then push you away) it does cause you to become unbalanced and confused, sounds like that is what the T is calling Gas lighting, the long and the short of it is that it breaks down your self-esteem over time and your ability to trust yourself to make good decisions.

A person with low self esteem is easy to dominate and control.

Your NICE GUY is cheating on his wife and family and emotionally abusing you for his own ends, time to take a second look at him, NICE NO, SICK very likely.

We used to have a poster here called Posie she introduced the idea that were many affairs are concerned is that SOMETHING UNHEALTHY IN ME CONNECTED WITH SOMETHING UNHEALTHY IN YOU, I think in at least some cases that is true.

Heal yourself with the help of the T and that connection my lose it's pull or even vanish.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:44pm

Yep.. I've thought my EXMM a narcissist for a couple years now..At least from all I read about them..he started fitting the description in a lot of ways...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 11:01pm
I am in the process of watching the person I was involved with fo 15 months do this to me now, he is on my phone non stop as he wants me to come see him so he can have a 'proper end'--what is a proper end?? So he can look into my eyes one last time, so he can cry in my arms and on and on we go. Meanwhile 3 weeks ago he claims in the course of a conversation with his W. he told her he has deep feelings for me & does not know what he wants to do, last pm in the course of a phone call he tells me he has told her there was no physical involvement with me, just to a bar to talk and on the phone.I certainly did not expect for him to go into details but I assure you that has left one nasty taste in my mouth- no better than a bar buddy. I am well aware of the fact that this was wrong-I am saying I do not see the reason to push me pull me--he is now desperate to see me, talk to me, yet my feelings are, the horse is dead, let it go, as well as I know how he gets when he feels he cannot reach me, then once he does he retreats--took awhile for the pattern to emerge.I cannot give him waht he wants and is becoming very emotional on the phone, too bad, I will not relent, I need to save me .