Gathering up the armour

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Gathering up the armour
9
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 4:39pm

Hello lovely people, I haven't been about much because H has been home and I haven't had a lot of time on the computer.

I was feeling very down over Christmas and New Year but I am starting to feel better. I am putting that down solely to NC with him since Dec 24th, when I had a meltdown and he said we could still be friends.

I am actually really embarrassed and shocked by that little outburst but it's done now and it won't be happening again, ever. If I do it again it will be on here, which should be highly entertaining :-)

Anyway I know he is back at work tomorrow, which is his "safe" place to email me from. And I know absolutely he will. He will contact me and say how he was hurt over Christmas when I told him it was over and how he doesn't want any more of those type of emails, okay? oh and by the way...can I do a little proofreading for him? Dickhead.

Of course he doesn't have any reason NOT to contact me since he thinks he has me in the palm of his hand - and yes, pre-Christmas, he did. So there's no escaping that I got myself into this new mess.

Part of me wants to play it like this: He is leaving his job in 3 weeks and since emailing him at home is a no-no, there would be no way of me contacting him. Which frankly would suit me fine. I have this option, you see...letting contact just actually die.

Or do I do the big dramatic "it's all over" thing again? I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. I don't know if I ever would be.

If I just don't answer his emails, knowing it's all going to over anyway, wouldn't that be easier on myself?

Am I being a baby about all this? I truly don't think the pre-Xmas thing is manageable again - it sent me to the dr with ridiculously high blood pressure and it hurt more than anything ever in my life.

What to do, what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 4:58pm

it sounds to me like you are just looking for ways to prolong contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 5:16pm

You're right, and I can't deny that. I could but I'd be lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 7:14pm

God, you know, I keep reading all your posts in other threads and I know I have the answer myself...I'm just so afraid of listening that the noise in my head is blocking out the truth.

I have to go, I really do. Friendship is never going to work.

I am going to be the biggest pain in the a$$ on this board while I get through this and probably even after that...apologies in advance :-)

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 8:09pm

Lulu -

Keep it simple - no contact. You said yourself that you are beginning to feel better. Do you want to go backward? NO! If you can't block his emails, delete them before reading them. Come here and be the biggest pain in the a$$ that you want - bring it on - we can handle it. You said in your post the other day that you have been trying to end things on your own, in your own way. I tried to do the same thing for years. EAS and maintaining NC made all the difference in the world. You can do this Lulu. I know you can. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 12:54pm
Lulu,

Yes, NC is the only way to go. Before I found EAS, I would go NC for a while and then we would be "friends" again. Each time our relationship went a little further and we would end up in deeper than before. Once you cross that line, there is no such things as going back to being friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:05pm

Lulu,

We were ALL afraid at one point. You are not alone in that feeling. Yes, you do have the answer and it is correct. :smileywink:

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:21pm

. hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:42pm

All done - changed my email address last night, no long drawn out goodbyes, just blocked him and walked.

I knew deep down this had to be done and this was the only way to do it :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:51pm
Good for you! I know that it is not easy! ((Hugs))