Gave in...but feel better today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Gave in...but feel better today
1
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:17pm
Isn't it odd how yesterday I missed OM so much that I couldn't stand not letting him know and today I feel fine without him?

Let me explain....I broke NC yesterday and text my OM....simple message "I miss you so much"...no follow up...didn't expect a reply at all. Since he has started to date this new girl he avoids me as much as possible so what would be different right? I just needed to say it to someone and he's my only "partner in crime."

Go figure when he texts me back and says "can't we be good friends" and of course I gave in again told him that we always would be but that was a two way street. He agreed and said he would try too. Then I asked him if I did something to make him not want me anymore..typical...no answer!

Why can't he answer that question? Because he doesn't want to lie to me and tell me he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to want me either...he has a girlfriend, heck, he didn't think this much when he had a wife!!

Well for some reason, I feel great today....Don't care if I talk to him or not, don't care if he's part of my life or not....Funny how your moods swing! I'm glad he didn't answer my last questions, then I would have asked others and we would have ended up fighting again.

I can't completely avoid him, we have kids the same age that go to the same school. We have some mutual friends and it's a small town but I am determined to work on things with H and give him some of the energy I used with OM. I am no saint and my H and I have had tons of problems long before I had an A.

I honestly believe that the A makes me feel alive and wanted and needed. Many things that my H has a hard time exressing to me. Since our separation he tries harder but there's still obviously stuff missing. What a position we all have put ourselves into for love/lust/revenge. I don't know how to continue without that extra attention but I am going to try my best and even if I fall off the truck again maybe I won't the next time.

So to all of you who are in the same boat as me, I wish you luck and will pray for us all to have the strength and courage to finally say "no."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:17pm
Asking questions can be a funny thing. I wanted closure so badly from my xmm and I had questions I wanted answered. He'd answer them and then I would have more. It seemed to be a never ending cycle and he was getting quite annoyed with me constantly bring things up when he wanted to ignore the whole thing.



I got my closure by not asking anymore questions. We work together and are neighbors so I also see him quite often. I wondered why he didn't have such a hard time "getting over it". Well I found out the other day, he's not over the guilt of it yet. He's the one that wanted to sweep the whole thing under the rug and ignore it and I needed to talk about it. So for me, I have dealt with it here on this board since there is no one that I can talk to about it.

The range of emotions that I went through made me feel like I was going to lose it. One minute I was happy the next I was sad. That does get better.

I now focus on my H and my marriage and things have improved for us 100%. There was so much missing in my marriage. It was way too routine and I was bored. I read the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and it has had a major effect on my marriage (for the better)

Good luck to you. I'm not real religious but I do go to church and I'm going to start praying for everyone who needs the strength to get past all of this.