A General Question About A's...
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| Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:12am |
Ok, maybe not exactly a question, but just some ramblings...
I have been posting and responding on this board for several months now. Before my A, I thought people who cheated were 'bad'. I thought that people cheated because they were jerks, or they were lacking something in their marriage and just to chickensh*t to do anything about it.
I remember when that movie Unfaithful came out. I thought there was no way someone who had a pretty good life and loved their S would cheat.
Now I find myslef on the other side of the fence. I had (have) a great life, loving S...and yet I cheated. I don't think I am a 'bad' person, and there was nothing really lacking in my M - hell, I had only been married for a year when my A started (day after my 1 year anniversary to be exact).
Most of the people I have met on this board seem to be smart, nice, good people. People I would be friends with - people I HAVE become friends with.
I know everyone's situations are different, but I am just amazed at the amount of intelligent, caring, giving people I have met here who somehow became 'caught up' in an A. I have to believe there is hope for all of us...but it still scares me to think of how many of us there are out there...
Diva

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CG,
WOW!...and here come the tears....
Diva
Diva
Affairs are not about our spouse, life or the AP there about US, who we are and how we deal with our past and present life issues.
If you deal with the INTERNAL ISSUES that allowed you to choose to cheat then you will not do it again, the power of the affair will be broken in your life, if not see you here next year.
Free
Thanks Free!! I'm working on it!!
Diva
Wow, I haven't read the other replies, but thought I'd post my 2 cents here...I, too, once thought that people who had affairs were stupid losers. And then I became a stupid loser and had an EA. So I got to eat some crow, and a tough old bird it was!
I don't think I could even begin to analyze why I did something so stupid. The short answer is that I liked the attention, and it made me feel good. My self esteem needed a boost, and the OM gave it to me. He said I was pretty, even though I'm about 100 lbs overweight, and saggy and flabby from having kids, and had been married for a million years (ok, it was going on 18 years at the time). He fed my ego, plain and simple, and I think that's why most affairs start. You have an emotional need, and someone fills it. YOu like how it feels, so you go back for more and more and more until it becomes an addiction. You don't get that need filled at home, so why do you want to be there? You want to be where the needs are gettin' filled, so you continue.
And eventually, the bubble bursts by some outside forces, and here we are, smart intelligent caring people who did something stupid.
I know, I know. I was caught and given a second chance and you are right in every respect. However, sometimes people have different values and morals. Yes, if my H were to engage in an EMA--I honestly would not want to know anything about it---I also think I would choose to look the other way. As long as I knew the children and I were his primary life--I really think i could deal. I think everyone has different needs at different times in their lives. Sometimes, we crave change or a challenge. My entire motivation in the A was purely sexual. I've never slept with anyone other than H and now, 10 years down the road, 2 kids later, and having reached some sexual peak where I feel like a teenage boy---the curiousity is eating me alive. However, all of the reasons you gave are what keep me from pursuing it again. I just try to be honest as there is no other place to do so. And yes, I was careless and I was caught---everything you say is right.
Dat
You have a lot of excuses for what you did but thats all they are excuses, you have told yourself and listened to a lot of B/S from some people who want to make it sound normal or even harmless but it's not. If you husband did it you would be no different then anyone else on the B/S support board.
It has nothing to do with morals cheating is distructive to the people/families involved it has NO upside, you do not manage it and keep things in a nice clean order emotions get in the way and the wife/husband end up getting religated to second place or become the enemy a problem standing between them and the AP.
Time to get real.
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