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| Mon, 10-25-2010 - 1:52pm |
Good morning Ladies / Gents
Wow - that seemed so official! :)
Here I am, sitting at my desk...sending resumes to Hawaii & looking forward to a future where Im the LONE decider.
I am now 11 days NC - and more in my own head than I've been in the past 3 years. It feels SO GOOD - to not have obsessive thoughts about SOLVING, FIGURING, DOING, NOT DOING, ANALYZING, WONDERING, WAITING,etc. <--and generally feeling bad about myself
NOW....I am ACTIVELY regrouping / regrounding myself in ME...and spending most of my obsessive thought in ME ME ME ME ME and I do NOT feel guilty. Ive spent the last 11 days in a NEW LOVE AFFAIR - WITH MYSELF. Ive had many boundary experiences I've got to practice in my new life - and am proud of myself for weathering them the way I have. DEEP SIXXIN THE CREEPERS / VIOLATERS, ETC. :)

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Michelle -
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Have you read or heard of the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson? If you haven't, I highly recommend it. It actually instructs you about how to talk to your different "selves" even specifically the "child" self that wants to be safe and taken care of. It helped me a LOT.
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Girl, I want whatever magical elixir you're drinking. Make it a double, please. :smileytongue:
Seriously, I'm so inspired (and amazed) at the insight in your postings. You're doing an awesome job, NL. So proud of you.
~alwayst2
You are getting there and will be there. You are digging deep and have the power to seek the answers you are searching for. I think knowing to ask the tough questions is such a step to recovery,you just don't want the answers you want to understand them as well. Bodhi's book suggestion sounds very good I will look for that one as well. Keep the amazing work up Michelle, every post helps us all:)
BUT THATS NOT FAST ENOUGH!!!! :)
Thank you Bodhi -
I haven't heard of that one - but I DO..have an inner child workbook at home - maybe she is the author. I'll check that.
Re: realize who the xap REALLY IS...oh YEAAHHHHH IM DOIN THAT!!! See....I was laying out - my thought process in my original post...saying...ok step 1...im mad...and because I dont want to focus on xap
THANK YOU!!!! HUGS AND TEARS!!!!
It's how AWFUL I felt before and HOW BAD I wanted to GET THE HELL OUT OF IT.
Im like a hostage who made a BREAK FOR IT!!!!
:)
I want to be happy - hold my head up - be free! Like myself again! Grow!!
That's all im on!!! :)
xoxoxooxoxoxo
Oh Jen!!!
I hope so! That's why I try to be so transparent and real. I could do it privately and I do...
But I want to be an open book and share what things are working for me - in the event that EVEN 1 other person...says (even quietly) "I identify" ...that's me...that's MY stuff too.
I know I have - I've seen posts on here - and feel NAILED BETWEEN THE EYES.
It was the first actual post I saw here - and Im not sure WHO wrote it - but it was A TOUGH LOVE -
As much as I want to embrace the ME part of love, I also know that I do need companionship as well.
Me-chelle.....11 day is a huge accomplishment and acknowledge that achievement to that little girl.
Mhash,
I agree with the fact that on a "normal" continuum, the need for others and companionship is within a healthy realm and acceptable.
What I discovered about myself in the a...is that the ONE BIG HOOK which kept me in it, long after I realized it wasn't good for me and I would have preferred to 86 it - was that I felt I "couldnt". I was stuck like a fish on a hook - because of the off the chart NEED to not be INVALIDATED by someone I "addictively" sought to have love me.
You guys would be (and IM SURE some of you can relate...) DISGUSTED with the Number of emails and texts I sent BEGGING for his "love"...BEGGING FOR HIS TIME...His consideration...to get him to listen to me, take me seriously...respect me...give me the time of day. IT WAS EMBARRASSING AND NAUSEATING and without putting myself down...PATHETIC.
Ugh - I dont even want to go back to thinking of the awful way I felt like a dog begging for a bone so it wouldn't die.
THAT.... my friend... Is what makes ME have to face - how OFF THE CONTINUUM I was about receiving validation and approval.
There are some relationships Ive had - where THAT NEED didnt kick in. The person was appropriately loving and I accepted and loved in a healthy manner. It's the NUT JOB guy who HOOKS me - (usually when I WANT him to be different than he is. That rather than walking away...I stay and try to EXTRACT it.) < --- blech!
Thank you for piping in!!!
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