Getting Fed Up!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Getting Fed Up!!!
9
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:25pm
Hello all! I posted this on the MAS board, but the more I think about it, it probably belongs here...any advice/support that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Here is my story:

Hi everyone...well, I think I am at my wits end with the A, if you can even call it that at this point.

Quick summary then onto recent developments:

*OM goes to Pre-Cana class with his fiance', says he is "starting over" and pretty much ends A

*I am devastated, upset, hurt, but go on, back off, and have some NC

*OM comes crawling back, wants to resume A

*Go to several group happy hours, one results with me making out with OM in his car

*I become confused, put some distance between OM and I

*I get a bad cough/cold, and am sick for 1 1/2 weeks, which brings me to present:

Currently, OM is doing/saying some things that have me confused to say the least. I have not seen OM in person for almost 2 weeks now since I have been sick. OM has called/e-mailed/text messaged me multiple times each day, including weekends. I have been somewhat cool in my responses, and haven't returned his calls in about 5 days.

Mind you, I am still acting like we are strictly "friends", exchanging work stories, talking via e-mail, etc., just not phone conversation...Anyway, I guess I haven't been as responsive as he would like, because he has changed his tactics in the last several days.

Sunday, he invited me (via e-mail, mind you) to come to his place for a viewing of the Sopranos. Apparently this is a weekly tradition with several of his friends that they gather at his place to watch the show. Occasionally, his fiance' will even come over for it. I politely declined the invitation, as I already had plans to watch it somewhere else. Well, within 5 minutes of the show ending, he was text messaging me to call him to "talk about the episode". WTF??? I didn't call him back. First thing Monday morning, he e-mailed asking if I got his text message. I just said yes, but I didn't have a chance to call him back.

Next he offered to drop something off at my place that he borrowed several weeks ago (a professional book that I really don't need anymore). I told him he could keep the book, that I no longer needed it.

So...he then changed tactics again, telling me all about how he and his fiance' were going to celebrate the 2-year anniversary of their first date last night, they were going out to dinner, he was getting her flowers, etc.etc.etc. So I politely responded that I wished them a happy anniversary, hoped they had a wonderful dinner and that she enjoyed the flowers. I don't know how he expected me to respond, but he went on and on about their evening this morning in an e-mail, how good dinner was, how beautiful the flower arrangement was, etc.etc.etc.

Again, I responded (again sweetly) that it was nice that they had a good time, glad to hear she liked the flowers and that dinner was good, etc. He asked me to call him after school, and I responded that I had a dr's appointment to address the horrible cough I've had (it turned out to be bronchitis). He immediately responded that he didn't realize I was that sick, he was worried, to call him and let him know how I made out at the doctor's, did I need anything, hoped I was feeling better, etc.

So that brings me to my ultimate dilemma - what the heck is going on here? To be perfectly honest, I'm starting to get annoyed more than anything. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me into calling him and seeing him, and I don't know that I want to. I am afraid of getting hurt and am trying to protect myself. I don't think I want to continue the A at this point. Too many up's and down's, and I don't need a rollercoaster of emotions in my life right now.

Any words of advice, or just words of encouragement? As much as I have feelings for OM, I just can't continue with these games. It's becoming too much for me.

Thanks everyone for listening!

:)

Circe

***Edited to add: Almost forgot! OM mentioned in a conversation in front of me at the last group happy hour that I went to that as soon as he and fiance' get married next year, they're going to try to get pregnant right away. I felt like I got punched in the stomach! Then, in one of his e-mails he mentioned it again, and kind of jokingly asked what I thought of him as a dad. I responded that I thought it was wonderful, and that I wished them all the best...what the heck else can I say to that?!?***

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:44pm
circe~

I only have a few minutes....but in MY opinion...RUN from this man. He is the WORST type of man you want to be involved with----a very selfish cake eater. My gosh, the going through with pre-cana, the whole celebration with the fiancee, THE FIANCEE!, the getting pregnant as soon as he is married...then trying to email,text,call non-stop??????

I wish I had more time...but in the short of it...RUN, RUN, RUN.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:49pm
Thanks Dharma!!! I needed that! That is my instinct at this point, to break it off once and for all (I forgot to add in my original post that he broke off the A several times before, only to resume it soon thereafter - what was I thinking???).

I am fed up with myself for allowing this to go on for 6 months, and fed up with him for these tactics. I guess I know in my heart that it should end once and for all, I am just looking for some support and validation in that decision.

Thanks again Dharma, I'm sure you'll be seeing me a lot more around here now! LOL

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:50pm

Circe, welcome to the board. I can't tell you what this guy is trying to do, but I can give my opinion and make a suggestion or two about the situation. It sounds to me like he's the well-known cakeman. He wants his cake (fiance) and eat it, too, (you). Hon, he doesn't need both. He is playing with you so that he still has some control. Don't let him.


In my opinion, it sounds like you are about ready to tell him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:56pm
Just-Chris - Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

It definitely sounds like he is a "cakeman" as you put it! LOL And, I do feel like he is playing with me, a feeling that I don't like at all!

The worst part about this is that we had become such close friends. He told me that I was his best friend, and I was beginning to feel the same way. Ideally, I wish that we could remain "just friends", but with NC, that is not possible. I know that I want the A (which I don't even know if it is even anymore) to end, but I don't know if I am ready for complete NC. That would just break my heart too much.

I am hoping that by reading some of the stories here I can find some guidance to the best possible resolution and ending to the A.

Thanks again so much for responding.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:37pm

Answering your last question:


"what the heck else can I say to that?!?"


How about:


"Have a nice life with your fiance.....STOP calling me. I am worth more than a part-time roll in the sack.....


GOOD-BYE!!!!!!!!!"


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:23am
Welcome, Circe! I think you have done extremely well handling the situation up to this point by wishing him well, etc., but who the heck needs THAT going on in their life??? I think your read is right on - he's trying to manipulate you into speaking with you. He's trying to get a rise out of you emotionally, and he's obviously willing to go all over the board to see which approach is most effective. IMHO he sounds even worse than just a cake eater (sorry to say that because I know he's your friend) but he's trying to reel you in to be his second slice!!!!! It sounds like he's emotionally immature and probably not ready to be married, certainly not up to that level of commitment.

Listen to Master Dharma, honey, and RUN!!!! Keep posting here. You will find good support and many of us who've been through all kinds of situations. I'm sure at least one will be similar to yours. We share our experience and strength here. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:29pm
Thanks Noregretsever for your response! The more I think about it, you are right, I am worth more than a part-time roll in the sack, and I am angry that I allowed OM to toy with my emotions like this.

BTW: I am married, and have been for almost 3 years. My H and I have been going through some rough times, and he will not go to counseling. When I met OM, we started out as friends, and we had no intentions of it leading to an A...it just did...but, you are right, I don't need this game playing in my life right now. What I am going through with H is difficult enough without added drama from OM.

Thanks again for your words of support!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:35pm
Thanks for the welcome, Mo! I was on the MAS board, but I feel like this is a better place for me right now as I try to bring this thing to a close. It's nice to know that it is just as supportive over here as it is over on MAS :)

I agree that he is emotionally immature. I do feel extremely badly for his fiance' that she is devoting her life to this guy, and has no idea about how commitment phobic he really is. I often ask myself if circumstances were different, and I met OM before I met my H and before he met his fiance' would we have ended up together...I really don't know.

It is getting easier for me to accept the fact that the A is ending. I guess I'm just torn over maintaining the friendship at this point. I am definitely getting a lot of strength just by reading the other stories by the posters here.

Thanks again for the warm welcome and support!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:22pm
He is stringing you along because as in any sport, he needs backup. If you are this strong being sick, just think what you can do when you're better! Kick him to the curb, my dear.