Getting off the fence
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Getting off the fence
| Fri, 10-22-2004 - 5:31pm |
I'm new so here is my story, I have been in this EMA for 3 years, My OW is a past co-worker who had just divorced. We have grown very close and in love. My M was never great and sex almost nil. My OW always wanted me to leave and I was alway reluctant. My W found out about the EMA in February and I've been on the fence ever since. I would like to here from those who left the M to be with the OW and if it worked out. I really don't think my M has a chance even though my W says she wants to make it work. She has caught me with the OW three times since February. I just don't want to regret leaving and finding out it usaully doesn't work with the OW. I really feel like it will work and right now I am so depressed not being with her. The M might work but I can tell it would take alot of work and change on both our parts. We've been to counceling about 6 years ago and again in the last couple months, we just seem to push things off the table and under the rug. I just want off the fence.

Fantasy
The research puts your likely hood of making ago with the OW at about 2 to 3 percent.
You are both bringing the characterisitics to the new relationship that allowed to be involved in adulatry so unless you BOTH address these personal issues there going to effect your relationship and not in a good way.
If you end your marriage do it for the right reasons now with the expectation of spending your life with this other woman because most likely it will not happen.
The experts say after divorce you should spend 6 months to a year single so that you can deal with your emotions or they will have a nagative effect on your new relationships.
My suggestion is to deal with your marriage with out any input from OW, deal with it as you see fit, if it is to end it then do so before deciding what to do about OW.
Good luck
Free
Welcome to the board, Fantasy,
I've a buncha questions really, call me devil's advocate if you like...
It's often the case that no decision is a firm decision to simply stay put.
If you just want off the fence, well, really I guess I'm wondering what is stopping you?
What is the pull of your W which has thus far successfully prevented you from hitting the eject button on your marriage?
Why do you imagine that maintaining a long-term relationship with OW will ultimately be any easier or harder than maintaining one with your W?
Fencesitting is a pretty lonely ole place to be. Know there are many of us here who've stood where you have and have survived to tell the tales. Some, like Cl-Noregretsever, have successfully set up home with their one time affair partner. If memory serves Cl-NRE has managed to successfully integrate two families with a total of eight children! Others have rebuilt or are presently rebuilding marriages or long-term relationships.
Also be aware this board can be kinda quiet at the weekends so don't think we're just not listening or contributing.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
So, you want to hear from someone who's been on the fence like you are.
OK. Here I am.
Male, just like you.
Formerly on the fence for 17 years.
And 4 kids from the marriage.
You can read about my trials and tribulations in the archives.
And all my excuses for staying on the fence.
Cold truth:
Y.O.U. are the only person who knows what your relationships are like and what it takes to either fix your marriage, end your marriage, end your affair or live on your own. Nobody else can make these decisions for you.
And you're REALLY hurting your wife with what you're doing. Some kind of payback for lack of sex in your marriage?
Every affair participant uses some reason to justify beginning and continuing participation in an affair. EVERY one. Remember that. And then think about what you need to do to live a completely honest life. No more lies to the wife about a girlfriend. No more lies to the girlfriend to keep her strung along on your pity pot. Just straightforward honesty.
If you come to the conclusion that your marriage without a GF on the side is not salvageable, GET OUT ASAP.
If you come to the conclusion that your marriage is salvageable, end the affair and get to work on the marriage.
And fix what's wrong, because you will carry your baggage with you for the rest of your life no matter how many partners you live/marry with/to.
There is no candy-coated answer that feels good. Just the reality that truth is a way of life and lies are a way of death.
So what's your choice?
Good Luck!!
Thanks for responding, I have been married 25yrs,she isn't a bad person, we just don't have a satisfying relationship for me. We don't communicate well, very little desire. We tend to ignore the problems and hope they will go away. At a very low point in our marraige I casually started looking for attention, and found more than I bargined for. The OW is very attentive, we can talk for hours, are very compatable, our only argumnets have been about why I haven't left in the past 3 yrs. I feel the main reason I haven't left is because I am affraid of how it will affect my kids (18 - 24)and our relationship to see Dad leave Mom.
If I stay, my concern is getting past all of this. My W doesn't get over small arguments very easily, so I can't see her ever getting past this. It will be an issue in every little spat we have.
Fantasy