Getting off the fence

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Getting off the fence
6
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 5:31pm
I'm new so here is my story, I have been in this EMA for 3 years, My OW is a past co-worker who had just divorced. We have grown very close and in love. My M was never great and sex almost nil. My OW always wanted me to leave and I was alway reluctant. My W found out about the EMA in February and I've been on the fence ever since. I would like to here from those who left the M to be with the OW and if it worked out. I really don't think my M has a chance even though my W says she wants to make it work. She has caught me with the OW three times since February. I just don't want to regret leaving and finding out it usaully doesn't work with the OW. I really feel like it will work and right now I am so depressed not being with her. The M might work but I can tell it would take alot of work and change on both our parts. We've been to counceling about 6 years ago and again in the last couple months, we just seem to push things off the table and under the rug. I just want off the fence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 5:52pm

Fantasy

The research puts your likely hood of making ago with the OW at about 2 to 3 percent.
You are both bringing the characterisitics to the new relationship that allowed to be involved in adulatry so unless you BOTH address these personal issues there going to effect your relationship and not in a good way.

If you end your marriage do it for the right reasons now with the expectation of spending your life with this other woman because most likely it will not happen.

The experts say after divorce you should spend 6 months to a year single so that you can deal with your emotions or they will have a nagative effect on your new relationships.

My suggestion is to deal with your marriage with out any input from OW, deal with it as you see fit, if it is to end it then do so before deciding what to do about OW.

Good luck

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 8:16pm

Welcome to the board, Fantasy,

I've a buncha questions really, call me devil's advocate if you like...

It's often the case that no decision is a firm decision to simply stay put.

If you just want off the fence, well, really I guess I'm wondering what is stopping you?

What is the pull of your W which has thus far successfully prevented you from hitting the eject button on your marriage?

Why do you imagine that maintaining a long-term relationship with OW will ultimately be any easier or harder than maintaining one with your W?

Fencesitting is a pretty lonely ole place to be. Know there are many of us here who've stood where you have and have survived to tell the tales. Some, like Cl-Noregretsever, have successfully set up home with their one time affair partner. If memory serves Cl-NRE has managed to successfully integrate two families with a total of eight children! Others have rebuilt or are presently rebuilding marriages or long-term relationships.

Also be aware this board can be kinda quiet at the weekends so don't think we're just not listening or contributing.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 8:06pm

So, you want to hear from someone who's been on the fence like you are.


OK. Here I am.


Male, just like you.


Formerly on the fence for 17 years.


And 4 kids from the marriage.


You can read about my trials and tribulations in the archives.


And all my excuses for staying on the fence.


Cold truth:


Y.O.U. are the only person who knows what your relationships are like and what it takes to either fix your marriage, end your marriage, end your affair or live on your own. Nobody else can make these decisions for you.


And you're REALLY hurting your wife with what you're doing. Some kind of payback for lack of sex in your marriage?


Every affair participant uses some reason to justify beginning and continuing participation in an affair. EVERY one. Remember that. And then think about what you need to do to live a completely honest life. No more lies to the wife about a girlfriend. No more lies to the girlfriend to keep her strung along on your pity pot. Just straightforward honesty.


If you come to the conclusion that your marriage without a GF on the side is not salvageable, GET OUT ASAP.


If you come to the conclusion that your marriage is salvageable, end the affair and get to work on the marriage.


And fix what's wrong, because you will carry your baggage with you for the rest of your life no matter how many partners you live/marry with/to.


There is no candy-coated answer that feels good. Just the reality that truth is a way of life and lies are a way of death.


So what's your choice?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 1:40pm
From what I've read, statistically speaking, making things work with OW is very slim. However, and I've posted this a couple times somewhere else, My XH had an affair, we divorced and now he is happily married to her. (And I actually like her quite a bit.) Also, last November, my dad left my X stepmother for his secretary and they are getting married this March. I've never seen my dad happier!!! I'm not good with advice but I say go with your heart. You're miserable in your marriage now, why not give OW a shot. If it doesn't work out you really don't have much to lose as far as happiness goes right? I know from experience that it can, and sometimes does work!!!

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:36am
Posiepops,

Thanks for responding, I have been married 25yrs,she isn't a bad person, we just don't have a satisfying relationship for me. We don't communicate well, very little desire. We tend to ignore the problems and hope they will go away. At a very low point in our marraige I casually started looking for attention, and found more than I bargined for. The OW is very attentive, we can talk for hours, are very compatable, our only argumnets have been about why I haven't left in the past 3 yrs. I feel the main reason I haven't left is because I am affraid of how it will affect my kids (18 - 24)and our relationship to see Dad leave Mom.

If I stay, my concern is getting past all of this. My W doesn't get over small arguments very easily, so I can't see her ever getting past this. It will be an issue in every little spat we have.

Fantasy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:10am
I am a male and had an office affair that has just ended miserably. It is not worth the agony you will go through. I was on the fence for awhile trying to decide if I should leave my w for the ow. I decided not to because I found out the ow has been playing both sides of the fence. Ask yourself, She cheated with you- do you want to be the next victim? Statistics show your relationship with the ow will most likely fail. That is hard to hear I know. Statistics also show it more likely you will both cheat on each other if you get together. Over 80% of marriages that start out being affair end in divorce within 3 years. REad my posts and you will see I have been there. I lost my job as a result of my affair, I lost friends, I have an ulcer, my kids have been affected, I'm on rx for depression and anxiety, I embarrassed myself and my family, I'm more messed up than I care to discuss here all because of an affair. She said she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Way to many complications. I am now in individual and marriage counseling to get my messed up life on track. Say goodbye to the ow now before you get further involved and end up like me or worse.