getting the MALE point of view on affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
getting the MALE point of view on affair
21
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:41pm
who amongst us would LOVE to hear what the MM has to say about being in an affair??? his point of view,? his complaints? his hurts? his reasons why?? I for one, have heard my own MM give me his views on why he wanted to stop it. "tired of the ups and downs, tired of the fighting, tired of trying to please me, tired of the pressure from his wife AND me, tired of things not going anywhere, trying to get over the whole thing" "becoming too dependent on me" " loving me, but just cant leave the wife"...lol...: but my MM was and is a jerk, so I would love to hear from other men?? come on ladies, how do we get the MEN to say what they really really feel? and think? Might give us some real insight? to help us let go as easily as they do!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:19pm

Yes, I am married to my last affair partner.


The experience has been "interesting" to say the least. Each of us has 4 children, so a total of 8. Life has been a challenge trying to make it work. For the most part the children get along fairly well. They're older now, youngest will be 18 next month. Oldest is 30. 3 currently in college and 4 next year. It's taken years for the ex-spouses to accept their responsibility in the failure of our marriages.


From what I've read the statistics on successful marriages after the affair currently run at 2% success rate.


If you and MM are both separated, I suggest you both follow through with your divorce filings and keep moving forward to get single. I presume both of you are ending your respective marriages because of the need to end the marriage because it has failed, not solely because the grass is greener with your part-time partner in the affair.


I'm not trying to scare you off, only trying to point out that a second marriage takes effort to be successful, including sel-examination to rid yourself of the baggage that caused your first marriages to fail. If you don't lose the baggage, the odds are that you will find a reason to have another affair and another failed marriage.


I wish you well.


It can work. I hope it does so for you.......


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:37pm
Thank you for your response. Each of us has been through counseling and I do believe we have worked on the reasons why our marriages did not work. I have a 5 yr. old and he has two of his own. I do worry about how my child will adjust. I am certainly in no hurry to introduce them. I want to feel secure in our relationship first. I don't expect it to be easy and those stats really don't bode well for our success. We are both entering the talking to lawyers stage now. It is lengthy and far more complicated than I had anticipated as far as all the legalities involved. I just want to do things the right way this time. Truthfully, I am afraid to remarry. MM seems much more optimistic, I have some reservations. I guess that is not too abnormal given the circumstances. I am aware of the effort required to make any relationship work and I think that a second marriage requires even more due to the added elements absent in a relationship without children and without the history. Thanks again for resonding and for the well wishes. I am hopeful and I thank you for sharing your experience with me. I too wish good things for you, your wife, and your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:40am
Hey blue-eyed--

Wanted to offer my thanks as well for putting yourself on the chopping block and for being completely honest. It answered a few questions for me that I was frankly too chicken to ask MM and confirmed why I ended the A to begin with--that he was in it simply for the sex, which means I would've never gotten what I needed from him (the emotional). Which is...kind of really depressing, in a "But I don't WANT to face the truth!" stubborn kind of way. lol

Just had to say thanks. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:49am
not that I have the skinny on this but my opinion is... if there is a male on this board he is probably one that had true feelings in his A and is hurting or confused... not something most of the MM's feel - in my HUMBLE opinion! I know my MM doesn't have the time or desire to get on a relationship board and explore: what he's feeling, what's happened to his marriage to make him go outside of it, or what is happening between us so... I would say a TRUE majority MM's opinion will never be posted here... only the good MM's that really cared for their MW/OW... forgive me if I'm speaking out of my (*^& but that's what I think! :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:00am
Oh, I know that. But it's still a deeper insight into the male mind than I had before. :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:42am
I'll chip in with a male's perspective. My recently ended, 5 month affair started out as nothing more than a 46 year old man living a 2nd childhood through sex with a beautiful 32 year old MW. But then the emotions got involved, and before you knew it, we were in love with each other. Ladies, it's not just the sex with us guys. I love this woman, but I also know that you can't just blindly follow your heart; logic must somehow work its way back into the picture. So now I am rededicating myself to my M, because it is the right thing to do. I miss the OW more than I can describe with words, yet I know what must be done. Even though I am suffering, I guess that really, I am one of the lucky ones since I have a wife who is willing to rebuild, and I truly do love her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:42pm
wow...you just made me realize that my XMM must have loved me like he said, but he right now is in avoidence...avoiding ME..and that hurts, but he knows he cant give me what I need or deserve"...and I respect him for that, but I dont respect him for going back to a "loveless" marriage to a woman who as he says, wont even KISS him....but hey, its his loss and I know I will come across a single man who has the time and energy to devote to making a nice relationship with me. Just taking some much needed time to sit back and take care of myself and forgetting the wonderful
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:52pm
I found this board through a friend. The friend was having an A but didn't know I was. Call me paranoid, but the less people who knew the better. Because I was looking for sex, doesn't mean I didn't care about the person. However, I couldn't let myself fall in love with them or love them, I drew a hard line and stuck with it. But the main reason I went for an A was the lack of sex at home and of course we had problems at home. W and I are working through our problems, and trying to build a connection again. It's not easy. There are things she still does that frustrates me, but I try to find a way to convey that without being critical. It seems to be working so far. We have not had a major fight for a month.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:23pm
..


Edited 2/16/2005 1:16 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:42pm
Iris, let me see if I can help here. I first told the MW after sex that "I am falling in love with you." She smiled and told me that I can't be doing that. SHE didn't want the emotional aspects of the A to interfere with the fun that we were having. However, shortly thereafter we each told each other that there was love in the relationship, and from there it's tough to go back. She originally wanted to keep the love out of the relationship because then it is easier to compartmentalize. And now that we are apart and in NC, I see that she might have been right. It is so hard to be apart when there is love. Our relationship ended due to discovery and a rededication by me to my M. The daily pain that we both endure is tremendous. I know that I hurt just as badly as she does. When real love enters the picture, forget about reason...and it doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman.