Getting over the addiction! PLEASE HELP!
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 1:59pm |
I need help, DESPERATELY!!!!
I have been back and forth between the AS and EAS board many times before. In the end I always end up back here on the EAS board. I haven’t posted here in a long time, but now I am in a state that I am totally unhappy and heartbroken by what I have gone thru.
Some of you might be familiar with my story, so I will try to make it short and to the point, so please hear me out before anyone judges me.
I am a MW and met MM almost 2 years ago, but the A didn’t start until like 9 months ago. We met on the commuter train. For about a year all we did was stare at each other. We didn’t even know each other’s names. Then as we would bump into each other more and more we started saying hello and then we asked each other’s names. Even without words we knew we were attracted to each other very much. So, one day we ended up talking and I gave him my e-mail address. But still I had no intentions to start anything with him. I figured we could become friends. To my surprise he wrote to me that same day and told me how attractive he found me and that if I wanna act on it. I was shocked that he just came onto me like this, but not surprised, since we did have a mutual attraction for each other.
So, we e-mailed back and forth for about a month. Somehow it felt that all he wanted from me was just IC. Well, eventually IC did happen, a month later and it was amazing. I was scared that now that we did it he would take off, but he didn’t. So, we started having an A.
When I first met MM, he lied to me that he was single, then a month later he finally admitted that he was M with 2 kids. I always had a suspicion about this and I have no clue why he had to lie to me when he knew I was M.
Things were going well between us for like 2 months. Then the calls got less on his part for no apparent reason. Then I became clingy, but only because when he used to call me like 5x a week and then all of a sudden he went down to like 1 call per week, it made me wonder.
I always drove myself crazy and in the end MM got fed up with me, so we ended it. However, each time after a few days of NC, he would always call me back up, say some nice things to me, I would cave in and then we were back together again. We would do this breaking up & making up stuff like 5-6 times within this 9 months.
On the top of all this, I got pregnant by MM last year, had an AB, later on he asked me to get on the pill, so I did, we also got caught by his W, and after like 5 days NC he called me up and we got back together again.
He also admitted to me that he "almost" had another A before he met me, but it never went this far. Yeah right! I wonder how many hearts and innocent lives he has ruined before.
I did fall in love with him and please I don’t want anyone to tell me “Oh, it’s not love, it’s lust”. Well, not for me. I don’t even feel NOTHING for my H anymore. We haven’t had sex in weeks. All I think about is MM now and I hate him with a passion for what he put me thru, when all I did was care about him. Yes, I am as much to blame for this as he is, but when you do fall in love, you also go blind. That’s what happened to me. I kept making up excuses for MM, that it’s me who’s always screwing things up, he will change, he loves me too, but I guess he never did.
Now, my question is how do I forget about him???? How do I fall out of love? I tried to make a list of all the bad vs. the good he did for me which was like 15% good and the rest was bad. But in the end I still caved in. I still call him after I got a few days of NC. And the pathetic I am leave him these vm’s, then he calls me back and then I melt.
I wanna stop calling him and I wanna get my life back. I started drinking and sometimes I wished I was dead so the pain would just go away.
How do you stop the addiction????? I’ve tried not to call MM, but have failed about a 100 times.
I hate him, I wish his W would find out one day what he does behind her back. And I wish he suffers as much as I am suffering now.
Please help, I am desperate!!!!

{{{{Sad}}}}}}}} I remember you (different name)
something has happened yet again since you got back with him. I am sorry. ::Hugs::
ok...now for the tough parts
What we don't learn we are bound to repeat until we learn the lesson.
Learned it yet?
I want you to vow to YOURSELF to leave this because YOU want to leave this. Don't let it get pathetic...you'll regret it. (i allllllllllmost made it without getting pathetic...damn him for calling me..i had no intention of calling again...but it was MY choice...IMPULSIVE choice to react the way i did to HIS call. Arrrrrgh...i was pathetic..now he won grrrrrr or better yet..i failed myself). the moment that happened...i took his number out of my phone..i NEVER want to feel like that again. EVER...motivation enough for me
Find your NEVER moment...what would be your motivation to stop? ASK YOURSELF PLEASE HONEY....you've been through so much....what .....is........your.......boundary????
the chemical addiction to someone is a whole other thread...but you have to give yourself a CHANCE and some TIME to get over this guy...a fighting chance....will it start today or what is the circumstance or boundary that has to happen? DONT LET THAT BE A FRIGHTENINGLY HORRIBLE SITUATION..it doesn't have to be in order to justify never calling him again. Please dont let it get to be pathetic or horrible.
:hugs:
Lizzie
Sad,
How's the counseling going for you?
And the direct conversations with your husband to address your marriage doldrums? Going well, too?
Oh, they're not going anywhere? Well why not? If you wanted to stop using the affair and xMM as a lifeline and escape from reality don't you think it might help to start talking to someone who is trained in the field of marriage counseling?
Had an abortion, got on the pill, got caught by the wife and you're still choosing to get flat on your back? Do you see a pattern of self-destruction here? Why are you choosing this path? What did you do to yourself in your marriage to choose to go down this path?
It isn't a race to the bottom.
Sit in a different train car. Get up and change cars if he walks into the one you're on. Lose the email address, tm address, cell phone number and every other means of contacting him. AND don't answer his calls.
Go through the withdrawal process from your addiction. Take two weeks off from work and get out of town. Break the pattern of self-abuse.
OR,
Tell husband you are filing for a divorce, move out and get divorced and be single to be completely available to your "man" and then pressure the bejeesus out of him to leave his wife and 2 kids and make a new life with you. If he's so wonderful and loveable and dedicated to you and a future, he'll get out of his marriage pronto.
Don't hold your breath. He ain't leaving her anytime soon. Especially since he can get some extra on the side to add variety to his life and not have to do anything much more than occasional contacts to get it.
You're worth a lot more than that, aren't you? xMM sure as heck isn't.
Need any more incentives to cut the addiction cord to this philandering adulterer?
Perhaps a scarlet "A" for your jacket?
As in adulteress?
No candy coating at the moment. Just plain talk to get you to jump off the dead end you're heading yourself towards.....
Before YOUR husband catches you and kicks you out on your butt.....
cl-nre