getting over it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
getting over it
9
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:10pm
I am new here, but very grateful that there is someone out there to talk to about this.

Just a little background. Going on 3 years ago when I was getting near 47, my coworker a MM 12 years younger, and I started feeling this major attraction for each other. We wrote it off to 'chemistry' but since he was very married with 2 little girls and I was in a long term relationship we opted to not give in and just deal with knowing how much we wanted to move our friendship into an intimate phase but were stronger than that. That lasted for awhile, but we did end up having a wildly exciting affair that has been going on and off since than.

I never felt particularly guilty, however, he would be consumed with it periodcaly and would decide to stop the intimate part but to stay friends and coworkers. Since I always felt he had so much more to lose than I, I would go along with his decision, always willing to be available when he got over it. This on / off again deal went on until last October when he changed jobs and moved 600 miles away. Of course we wanted to continue being friends but no more sex, just an occaisional email or phone call to see how things are going.

Well, we missed it, alot. Probably more than either of us anticipated or wanted to admit. After all it wasn't like it was less exciting after those 2 1/2 years if nothing else it was even more satisfying. Now he was just further away. We would rendevous for email sex at night when everyone was in bed. We indulged in this insanity for awhile but then realized how crazy this was making us, so we stopped. But now we keep going back and forth again.

So, how do I move on. There is of course no future in this. The man I'm with loves me and is very passionate, caring, and generous. What is making me want this other man so bad and why would he be willing to risk everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:45pm
my om also lives across the country (met him through work)...I think it makes it easier to carry on long-term in some ways. Which (of course!) is a bad thing!

I don't know what to tell you other than I understand. All we can do is try to move on with our lives and do the right thing....what we will be happy knowing we did while lying on our death beds (or even for more impact....while we have to watch our H's pass on - because you know the men always go first). I want to be a good person, a good wife, a good mother. All of these things require a lot of sacrifice, this is one sacrifice that we didn't anticipate but a HUGELY important one.

Good luck, here's to being a great wife and mother.

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:03pm
Just when my affair was ending, I went out to dinner with a couple of college roommates for the first time in several years. We were catching up on each other's life so I told them an edited version of my affair....for example, I said that he was separated, but didn't say that he'd been living at home for the first year we'd been together. One of my roommates said, "You always have to have drama in your life" and reminded me of the guy I was dating while I was living with her.

I've thought about that a lot since then. It never occurred to me that my need for excitement (drama) may have contributed to my having an affair. I do get bored easily. I'd like to think I'm a deeper, more complex person who doesn't make decisions because of the need for excitement but maybe I'm not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:07pm
OOPS! Wrong thread for my previous response. I'm obviously a knucklehead today.


Edited 5/5/2004 5:09 pm ET ET by startingnew2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:01am
Hi,

I can relate so much to your story. I feel all the same stuff for a guy at work.

I would say it was an emotional affair for a couple of years now.

We have gotten very intimate online, and lately, only a couple of times in person.

I told him that I can't be alone with him. I just think that it's the only way that I can NOT be passionate with him. He told me that he would never 'get a room' - he would never let it get that far. (I was asking him not to tempt me, I don't want to screw up my life). I am M and have 2 little girls. He is recently M, under 2 years.

Anyway, all I think about is being with HIM. Please let me know if you ever figure out why we do this! Cuz I don't get it!

Thanks!

n

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: dlyn1112
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:40pm
My story sounds so much like yours.

I had an affair with a friend/co worker.

We have known each other for 2 yrs. now, I am turning 47 next month, he just turned 36 this month.

I always thought he was very attractive but I never thought of having an affair with him, after all he always seemed so happily married, always talking so good about his wife and family.

Then there was a day where we were alone for several hours. He told me that he had been attracted to me since the first day he met me, but never acted on it because he knew that I too was very happily married, for 20 yrs now.

That was 8 months ago. Our affair lasted for 5 months, and yes, it was filled with so much passion and excitement, we couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone. After several months, his wife became suspicious, we decided to end the affair but both wanted to remain friends, after all we still work together.

It has been hard. I see that old familiar spark back in his eyes.

I am seriously thinking about talking to him, and asking him if he wants to travel down that road again, even though neither of us have any plans to leave our marraiges.

You are so right about the chemistry and attraction, it is so strong.

I wish you luck in your situation, and I know I need luck in mine, but at the same time I don't think I am ready to give it all up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:53pm
I see a lot of similarities here! I am 41 and he is 47 (soon to be 48 LOL)!

He finally em'd me back a response to me telling him I can't be

alone with him. He said at first he was mad, but then he is sad. Said

he wanted things to work out differently between us. We are going to talk

tomorrow. His understanding was that he thought I wanted him to

leave me 'alone'. And it's not at ALL what I want, but I don't

think I should be alone with him because I can't help myself.

I'm just concerned that if I am, we will definately

dive into a full blown sexual relationship. And I've never been tempted

before by anyone, which makes this so hard for me. I really want to be

with him. But then there is my H and my 2 girls. If they ever found out,

how would I explain it? Passion? That just doesn't seem to cut it.

Anyway, I am curious if you ever had an A before (it doesn't sound

like you have.) Is it something you regret terribly? Or are you

ok with it?

Thanks for sharing!

n

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:40pm
This was my first affair. I have been married for 20 yrs. to a great man. We have 3 children. I had never even thought twice about having an affair.

I think mine was due to mid life crisis. Never thought it would happen to me.

While in the affiar, I didn't feel a lot of guilt. Was so caught up in all the excitement and secrecy of it all. Neither of us regret having the affair. It is hard to go back to the way things were before the affair.

Since it has ended, I do feel guilty at times, so much that I have thought about telling my husband a time or two, but decided against it. It would completely change my life.

I hate to say it but I would do it again with this man. He is so attractive and filled with so much passion and excitement. He made me feel so beautiful and young again, although my husband tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am. It just takes on another meaning when another man tells you that.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, the good and the bad. I wonder if the day will come when I don't think about him at all. It will be hard, beings we still work together. It is hard to look at him the same way again.

I want it to get easier but at the same time, I don't, I want to have another affair with him, does that make me bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:55pm
Its almost spooky how much we sound alike! I, too have been married for 19 yrs. this August. My h is a great man, although I do miss him being affectionate with me. I have told him this many times, and I guess I just have to settle for getting it in tiny doses once in a while because I am not going to leave him just because of that.

I, too feel like I had a mid life crisis. It was either that, or 9-11. Just decided that my god, it's time to have FUN and I am going to spend some of my $$$ instead of just saving it all for retirement! H and I bought a boat this summer!

Anyway, I find this man very attractive. I just melt when I talk to him. I just got back from talking to him on a break - I wanted to explain a bit why I told him I can't be alone with him. We both feel the same way about each other - the only difference I find is that I have a problem with deception and he doesn't seem to. He says it never bothers him when he is with me, it feels right. (I could say the same thing...)

I too thought about telling my h but I don't think he could handle it.

So how did your A end? A mutual decision?

I know that I will most likely be alone with him again. He told me that he will follow my lead, which made me feel good. So I am in control here. I want to be with him so bad, the chemistry is unbelievable. So I totally understand where you are coming from wanting to start it up again.

It doesnt make you a bad person. You have reasons for making the choices you do. Again, like you say, I never would have EVER thought I would be in the place that I am today. And everyone tells me it's easier to make the WRONG decision than to make the RIGHT one.

It's very tough. I told him that it was very difficult for me to sit next to him. I just want to touch him, kiss him, etc. And I know he feels the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: dlyn1112
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:43pm
<<<<<<>>>>>>

Dear iv and tempted,

You will never be in control as long as the chemistry unbelievable; it will pull you in like a magnet again and again. I know. I've been off and on with someone at work for over 4 years. The ONLY way it will EVER end is if you find employment elsewhere. I am not married, and my children are grown. The MM has far more to lose than I do. I think you both have families, and what you are doing could cost you everything. BE smart and find new employment. The thrill, the excitement, the chemistry......will ALWAYS lure you down a path of destruction...spare yourself that inevitable pain while you still can.

True